Just got married and he's got problems with ED

posted 3 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 31
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

You are 39!…..if you want to ever have kids you don’t have a lot of time to “be ready” your biological clock is waaay ticking….and he’s 48…I’ll let that speak for itself.

 

Post # 32
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP- I think it’s also important to recognize that if you have just started having sex at 39, you’ve got quite a learning curve and time to explore and understand what your own personal likes, dislikes, pleasures and turn offs are and to adjust your fantasies to more closely match reality.

Also, in addition to the health related things others have shared, if your husband isn’t wearing properly sized condoms, that can impact erection as well.

And yes- you don’t have a lot of time to decide you’re ready for kids. Not that you need to be focused on that while navigating these other issues but it’s definitely something you should be cognizant of at this time.

Post # 33
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Why don’t you have him not use a condom and then pull out before he comes? That’s what we do, the pill plus that.

Post # 34
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

happiekrappie :  “certain religions” do shame women but let’s not lump all religions together as one. For example in my Protestant Christian church we teach a sex Ed course to our teenagers. We may want them to wait until they’re older(for maturity reasons) but we certainly don’t frame sex as something shameful and give unrealistic expectations.

Post # 35
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

It might be helpful to know when your mother reached menopause… My mom did around 42. You might not have a lot of time to have kids. If course, adoption is an option. 

I would also like to point out that pregnancy is more difficult than what you’re taught at school, ESPECIALLY at your age. https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a6155/your-age-and-fertility If you’re also on hormonal birth control, your chances are quite low, especially Mirena (a less than .8% chance). Also, men over 40 are 30% less likely to impregnate their partner than an under 30 year old male (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3253726/) If you present him with the facts about how unlikely pregnancy is for you two, it might help calm him down. 

Stop using condoms once he becomes more comfortable with how low your chances are, work out with him if you’re both willing to, and change your expectations on sex a bit. It’s pretty common to have sex once or twice a week; there needs to be a compromise. Yes, he should be willing sometimes even when he’s not totally in the mood, but masturbation is also an option for you, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about that at all. Good luck!

Post # 36
Member
887 posts
Busy bee

There is no reason for you to be using condoms in addition to the pill, assuming you’re taking the pill properly it’s very effective. He needs to be educated about how birth control works. Also 2-3 times per week is pretty normal. When I got engaged I was a virgin also and I had unrealistic expectations that I’d be having sex every single day but it just didn’t work out like that for us. My husband just can’t do it more than 2-3 times per week, he needs a break in between. I think if you can ditch the condoms and manage to have meaningful fun sex 2-3 times per week you’ll both be pretty happy. 

Post # 37
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I doubt that anyone preached sex would be magnificent and happen on the daily if you just wait until marriage, and if they did…that’s not a tenant of religion, that’s just delusion.  I waited for marriage to have sex, and it’s been fine. People always told me that I should sample the goods before purchasing them, per se. But my response was always, “If I love someone enough to be willing to join my life with theirs in legal marriage, would some bad introductory sex really change that desire for a lifelong commitment to them?” The answer, for me, was always no.

OP, if you had known you’d have these sex struggles, would you still have married him? I’d focus on the small changes you can make that will lead to a big change in your sexual satisfaction. You’re on the right track with his dieting, exercising, and looking at meds. 

Post # 38
Member
10431 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

flygirl441 :  

One thing I’m finding concerning is that while you are taking birth control pills properly as prescribed, your husband’s anxiety about a possible pregnancy is so extreme, he insists on using condoms as well. This just shrieks anxiety issues to me.

Are any of the meds that your husband takes prescribed to treat anxiety? I suspect that this underlying issue is going to have to be managed before your sexual relationship will evolve into what will ultimately be “normal” for the two of you.

Is he open to talking to someone about his anxiety? Many people struggle with generalized anxiety that is not related to any particular cause, but, it can manifest as irrational fears, such as your husband’s excessive worry about pregnancy when you are using an effective method of contraception.

That said, the Bees are right in that it’s normal for the early lust to calm down as the relationship shifts from courtship to marriage. Ideally, though it may become less frantic, your passion increases in depth over time.

It’s great that your new hubby is open to making positive lifestyle changes. Just be sure you’re clear on your own limits and boundaries. You can’t change or fix him.

Your husband’s age also has to be factored into the equation. Though he is a young man, 48 is not 28. And he’s a 48 year old who did not care for his body especially well, from the sound of it. Expectations have to ultimately be aligned with reality.

You certainly have been sold a bill of goods. I won’t address whether your religion participated in the scam; that is well outside my area of expertise. But, Hollywood has certainly brainwashed all of us to have ludicrous expectations around sex and sexuality. It’s nothing like the movies.  

Most of us fumble our way through the whole thing eventually. Then we get better and better at it.

It would be genuinely sad if your husband’s untreated anxiety is getting in your way. I hope you can get that checked out.

One of my favorite YouTubers, licensed therapist, Kati Morton, has a plethora of well done videos on about every topic you can imagine; including ED, anxiety disorders, and other issues we all struggle with. Kati does a really great job of making things understandable. Maybe you can find something worthwhile there.

Post # 39
Member
388 posts
Helper bee

As many of the other posters have suggested, having sex every day is not realistic. My SO and I live together, and have what I would consider high than average sex drives (just based on my observations of what friends/family members have shared about their own) and having sex 4 times a week strikes me as a very normal amount of sex to have. 

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