(Closed) Just looking for advice on intimacy and relationship issues

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

It sounds like neither of you are very comfortable in your own skin or with sex in general. It’s going to taking wilingness, openness and relaxed exploration on both your parts to develop a thriving intimacy. I would suggest a sex therapist, probably in addition to a regular marital counselor.

Also, for real he’s embarrased to buy condoms!? I don’t get it.  

Post # 3
1049 posts
Bumble bee

Counseling. Both couples and individual. Sounds like there are lots of underlying issues on both sides that need to be addressed. 

If you are allergic to latex (it sucks, Im allergic as well) and can’t find the proper condoms and refuse birth control you might want to look into the NFP route more seriously. Or him pulling out. 

Post # 4
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Dunnowhattosay:  sometimes men get used to climaxing in one way and have a hard time doing it any other way.  Even though you were technically virgins, you were having sexual relations leading to orgasms for a long time.  Your husband needs to reprogram himself and you probably do to.

I’m going to say something kinda harsh, but this is an anonymous board, but it’s a little concerning that you were together for six years before you had intercourse.  I’m not judging you, your husband, or your beliefs, but it makes me wonder about your overall sexuality.  Most people cannot take six years of foreplay, they would EXPLODE!  All of the sexually abstinent people that I have ever known got married in under a year.  

Since this situation is really depressing you, it sounds like you really want to explore that side of yourself.  My fear is that your husband doesn’t want to.  Please do get some counseling.  

For now, go online and buy yourself the Rabbit:) 

Post # 5
165 posts
Blushing bee

I know leaving a side of yourself unexplored will only cause more problems in your future. Please talk to him, try to see past his defenses and try to make the conversation productive. I left a side of myself unexplored for four years, I was in this relationship for almost 6. I was only happy the first two years, and I lied to her and I lied to myself. Now, with some hard work, I’m finally moving on with my life, and getting to see that side I left unexplored, and I’m only sorry I waited so long, and that I caused someone uneeded pain. I tried sex with a man (my BF) for the first time at age 24, (I’m 25 now) and it’s amazing.

SO! Try talking to him again, if he gets defensive just explain to him you’re not criticizing him, and that you want to work together to solve this issue.  If you’re not getting what you need pysically, you’re bound to make mistakes, like cheating, and hurt him even more in the long run.

Good luck!!!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  sasha3517.
Post # 7
5165 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Dunnowhattosay:  It sounds like your husband has some major anxiety problems. If he’s constantly freaking out over nothing and worrying about irrational things, then he needs to see a professional and get counseling and potentially medication. Honestly, I would be less concerned with the sex stuff and more concerned with his overall mental health at this point. He’s not going to be a good partner to you unless he can get is own psychological issues straightened out.

Post # 8
719 posts
Busy bee

Yea, as SithLady is saying, problems in the bedroom are usually a symptom of problems elsewhere, not the main problem itself.  You guys sound really disconnected to me.  I don’t see enough information to understand why.  What I would suggest though is that you too try to spend quality time together.  Can you watch TV together and snuggle on the couch when you get home from work?  Can you do chores together?  Exercise together?  Anything that wil serve to bring the connection back.

Post # 9
3036 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

If he’s embarassed (silly) just buy condoms online? There’s a lot more options that way anyways – especially in the non-latex department. I don’t have much other advise, but for sure you can buy them online and have them delivered!

Post # 10
857 posts
Busy bee

Definitely sounds like there is confidence issues. If you guys arent up for counselling you need to find other in house resources to deal with this.

Maybe you can try to go our of your box a bit with something you know he would like, and maybe that will ignite him to as well. 

PLan a at home date night.. with some games (maybe some frisky games too) If you are not willing to be intimate without condoms, you guys need to find another source or else this intimacy issue is not going to get better!

If him not helping out around the house in bothering for you (which i dont blame you) Create a chore chart.. find soem chores around the house you think he wouldnt mind, or make chores around the house yuo two can do together!

Post # 11
2024 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

SithLady:  +100000

Dunnowhattosay:  Your husband needs help. He sounds like he could be moving towards a break from reality and that’s seriously scary stuff.

Your sexual situation is alien to me, I don’t understand waiting past 30 sex but to each his own. I believe what PP were trying to say about you leaving a side of yourself undiscovered is what you said about only having sex a few time since you’ve been married. That’s odd. Most (abstinent til marriage) people try it every way they can think of in the first couple of months-because they can now. You explore eachother and eachother together. 

PP are right about counseling.. but I honestly think your husband needs meds to get his head straight. Losing excessive weight and then harping on the need to keep losing and fear of going back is not exactly normal, add in the screaming about belly aches and then getting crazy defensive with you.. Hormonal imbalance or something…

Post # 12
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Dunnowhattosay:  to answer your question.  I, too  have abstained from sex for years, in between committed relationships.  What is odd to me is abstaining for so many years while in a relationship.

I don’t know you or your husband, so I don’t know what your each thinking, but something is off.  You answered yourself that you might be bi or asexual.  Or maybe you’re just picking bad lovers.   The fact that you’ve been in two long term, but abstinent relationships needs to be explored by you (and a professional counselor).  

As for your husband, yes, it’s odd that he didn’t try to bang you way earlier.  Maybe he’s depressed, maybe he’s gay, maybe he’s asexual. I don’t know.  But I find it impossible to believe that everything is a-okay with a young man who waited six years to make love to his wife.  (My personal inkling, and this is just a guess, is that he might be gay.  If he had depression, others would have noticed it be now. No red blooded straight man can wait that long for sex.)

This board is silly. Go talk to a professioal, find the money for it.  

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by  renierose.
Post # 13
688 posts
Busy bee

SithLady:  Completely agree with you.


Dunnowhattosay:  Sounds like you both need some counselling. And perhaps you both need to make some compromises in order to make this relationship work.

Post # 14
1938 posts
Buzzing bee

First, buy condoms online, tons of options, minial embaressment. Next, I guess I am in the camp I find it weird to be willing to wait 6 years in a committed relationship for intercourse. I don’t know that I am necessarily questioning either of your sexuality but I don’t really see the point and feel like something is going on hormonlly, sexuality or severe anxiety/depression issues. I am assuming it is a religious choice since you also don’t want to use hormonal birth control but usually as has been pointed out by others with that sort of religion there is also a committment to a quicker march toward marriage. Also, I don’t see how condoms v. birth control matters? The point is not to prevent pregnancy if you are of that sort of religion.

I really think you need to see a couples therapist to have a more fulfilling marriage. Do you have health insurance? It might cover counseling.

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