- 5 months ago
- Wedding: January 2020
I was just recently married about six months ago and am worried because I am beginning to have some serious doubts.
My husband and I have been together since 2013, and soon after we started dating we moved in with one another with two other roommates. We were only 19 and 20 (I am slightly older), but I immediately fell head over heels for him. I had never pursued a guy, but I just absolutely adored everything about him.
During the first several months of dating, we had great conversations, an amazing connection, and great sex and I guess were in the “honeymoon” phase, however, once we found an apartment for ourselves and adopted two dogs (who I love with my entire being!), most of the responsibilities began to fall on me. He goes through phases where he becomes seriously addicted to video games, and can sit around for 16+ hours playing games. But, we all have our struggles or vices, so I have been easy on him, as I struggle with alcohol and have bipolar II. I felt grateful that a man could deal with me.
We had a functional relationship, our families loved each of us, etc. He worked while I was in school, but his work ethic is absolutely horrible. Before being in school, I worked, and work ethic has always been very important to me. He grew up with very lenient parents and I think this may have contributed to some of his bad habits. He has always gotten what he wanted, can be very persuasive and manipulative with his parents, and he will eventually get his way. I began to notice these things obviously, and it became a pattern where I practically became his maid, housekeeper, solely cared for our dogs, had sex with him, and unfortunately my sex drive diminished after about the first 6 months. I am not sure why, and this caused serious issues in our relationships. I had some bad experiences prior to getting with him, and perhaps these began to resurface, I am not sure. Or, it may have been because of some medication I began to take, or maybe it was because I lost attraction! Either way, sex kind of became like a chore and I certianly felt bad about that and tried to avoid letting him know. Although of course he did take notice. We talked about it a lot though and tried to find ways to work through it which helped, but not that much. We are still trying to work on it even now.
I do mind that he never contributes to helping me out and acts like a child. In the entire 7 years we have been together, he has never once cleaned a bathroom in all the places we have lived in, or a kitchen, he doesn’t even know where certain items are in the house, he doesn’t remember to feed the dogs, or fill their water, and many other basic things that a husband, much less a 27 year old should remember to do. I remind him gently all the time to do his laundry, please don’t leave silverwear on the counter, etc., and when he forgets and I ask him to basic things, he just laughs it off as though, “Oh, I didn’t do X again? My bad.” I hate acting like his mother, so it has just become easier to do these things myself, but it’s to the point that he is disrespecting me. And worst of all, last year, I found out he was talking to a girl he grew up with and had been talking to her daily. One day when I was at therapy, I found out she had come over without my knowledge (he told me when I got back as though it was a totally fine thing to do). This obviously made me uncomfortable and so I told him please stop talking to her daily and if you want to be friends, I’d like to at least meet her. Then just a few weeks ago, her jeep got stolen. He told me and we discussed how horrible that would be, but then I find out he private messaged her and began talking to her again for over week until I asked him to please stop. Ugh.
Anyways, this past week I have just been fuming. It came out of nowhere (mostly) but suddenly I just felt this pent up rage boil to the surface. We got engaged in 2017, and I guess I felt pressure to get married after being engaged for three years and dating for seven. I have had serious doubts all throughout our relationships, but we do have a connection and he has been a rock for me at times when I have needed it. He also was adopted and has abandonment issues, so in the past when we have tried to break up, it hasn’t necessarily gone well. But he is accepting of me, and my family loves and trusts him which is important to me.
I confronted him this morning after asking him to take the trash out and he whined and then turns out the trash truck drove by before he took it out. While I enjoy outdoor yardwork, he also rarely mows the lawn, never picks up the dogs’ sh*t, or does any “dirty work” including most of the messes he makes himself. The only time he will clean is when it is his computer desk (he brings the dishes over to the sink for me to clean) or the garage where he works on his car. He is just very self-absorbed and entiteld and I don’t know if he necessarily realizes it. He makes crude comments and gestures frequently and grabs me, but these gestures certainly don’t make me interested in being intimate with him. Plus, he brushes his teeth about three-four times per month, and only showers maybe once per week if that, and thats after I remind him multiple times.
Despite all this, he has many great qualities: he is creative, funny, fun-loving, adventurous, loves animals, kind-hearted, sociable, and I think he strives to do better, but when he isn’t naturally good at something, or things don’t come easily, he will quit. Minor issues have just grown into major annoyances that seem so massive that I struggle to find him attractive or even tolerable at times, and more so, I feel that I am enabling him. When I have tried to confront him (which I can count on one hand), he doesn’t necessarily apologize and will just wait a few hours and then ask if I am still mad at him.
I guess I am just here to vent. I am not sure what to do and perhaps being cooped up with him these last few months has just highlighted my frusterations. I feel as though I likely may have made a mistake, but I also value marriage and the commitment I made. Thanks for listening and I hope everyone is doing well!