(Closed) Just need some support

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee

FizicsGirl, I just wanted to send some hugs and support your way.  I think it’s important that you have really been able to isolate how you feel and that you and your fiance are willing to talk through things together.  It’s totally valid to feel the way you do and it’s good that you’re bringing that stuff up and confronting it together.

My husband and I have pretty similar backgrounds when it comes to money, but we had another issue where I was really upset about his "judgement" on the planning process.  My family are Italian and drinking is pretty much part of the experience when you have an Italian wedding.  My husband’s family is very conservative/more religious and does not drink much at all.  As we were planning our final estimate of the budget for the reception, we got into a huge fight because he suggested cutting alcohol all together.  I told him that I wouldn’t consider that because of my family.  I felt like he was being really judgemental about my family and their behaviors, when, after we talked about it, it turned out that he was just upset about the money.  It’s possible that he’s just stressed about the wedding planning in general, and it’s manifesting itself in this area.

Either way, I wish you both the best and I’m proud of you that you’re talking about everything and confronting these issues together.

Post # 4
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

Aw, honey, I’m sorry.  I don’t blame you for being exhausted and drained.  It’ll get better, I think.

I do have two pieces of advice to offer you, and I offer them with love.  First, don’t compare your relationship with your fiance to the way a bride looks on her wedding day.  I’ve been there, and it’s blissful… and life wasn’t like that for us during our engagement.  Really.  I was amazed at how smiley and relaxed and HAPPY I felt that day, something I chalk up to feeling loved and supported and surrounded by our people, all while having an excuse to be all blissful.  Ya know?  So while you may not feel that relaxed around your fiance, just know that many of us don’t, and that doesn’t mean anything is wrong.  It’s a bummer, but being engaged was much more difficult for us than being married has been.  So many changes, so many adjustments, so many big-life decisions.  By the time we got married, we’d figured most of it out (and if we haven’t, we’re at least better at dealing).  Kudos to you for doing the hard work now.

The second thing I want to offer is a caution.  I suspect most women are like this, but since I can only really speak for myself, I will say that I have been known to not accept my man’s agreement because I’m more worried about what he thinks.  Does that make sense?  So if he says something’s okay, I become convinced that he’s just saying that and inside his head he’s being judgmental.  I have to be very careful with that, because I often find that I’m a little bit uncomfortable with whatever it is I’m thinking he’s judgmental about, and that in fact I’m projecting.

I think that joining with another person in a lifelong commitment requires so many adjustments that you start to lose track of what is and isn’t okay to cave on, and then you can start doing this reverse reaction thing where you say it’s okay, but then you believe that the other person doesn’t think it’s okay… when really you’re just not okay with it.

I think this is getting murky, so I’ll just say: if he says he doesn’t have a problem with it, consider accepting that gift from him.  Even if he’s not 100% on board and is in the process of adjusting, he’s gifting you with his agreement.  Take it as a sign of love, not as a sign of judgment.  I think it’s perfectly acceptable to not want to hear negative things about your family, but I also find myself assuming my hubby is making judgments when in fact he’s just expressing opinions.

Just the other day he went on a rant about people who pay off their cars and immediately trade them in for the latest model, and how silly they are to want the newest style rather than savings.  Um, my peeps do that.  Why?  I can’t say for sure, but I grew up in a family that don’t mess with cars and like the security of having them under warranty.  So I got all bristled up about it, when in fact he wasn’t intentionally judging. I’m the one who made the leap from his opinion to my family.

Anyway, that’s just a very long and meandering way of saying I understand, and it will get better, and you’re doing all of the hard work now which is the right thing to do but also the one that makes you feel like maybe your marriage will be this hard.  Our engagement was incredibly rough, and then we figured some things out and everything got better.

Hugs.

Post # 5
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I’m sorry you’re under so much stress right now, I know there’s been alot happening in your life recently. I don’t have any advice or anything but I think its great you’re both working on this together and working on the issues. I hope things are resolved between you both soonest and that you’re as relaxed as the bride whose wedding you just attended!

Post # 7
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

I’m really sorry you are having to go through this. 

but if we can’t talk about these things, what’s going to happen in the future?

I think you asked a very good question and when people show you who they are, believe it.  If you need to send out invites later and you don’t follow etiquette 100% on the invites, then so be it.  Take care of you first.  I would flat out ask him and see what he has to say. 

Also remember that everyone’s "normal" is different and that shouldn’t make one person less important than the  other person.

He says he doesn’t think it has anything to do with him…and it’s just me having problems committing.

I feel this says a lot…how it’s you not him.  It takes two to have a relationship and usually more than one person to create issues.  It’s like he’s dodging responsibility.  

I said I’m not sure that he’s wrong, but we’re in this together so shouldn’t we resolve it together.

Great phrase fizicsgirl!  Would it help you if you went to counseling alone in addition to a couples session?

 

(((HUGS)))

Post # 9
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Oh that’s great!  I’ve been following along with trials and tribulations in the wedding planning.  Having your SO understand you is so important leading up to the wedding and to maintain your relationshilp after the wedding.  THis is a great start, just try to keep the conversations going!

Post # 10
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

That’s great!  We still struggle with that.  What’s working lately is letter-writing, because you can’t jump into defend yourself while you’re reading, you know?  We got into a stupid tiff over hurt feelings last night.  I walked away, found a paper and pen, and wrote down what I was really upset about ("I’m not upset that you ___, I’m upset that when I mentioned it, you ___.").  Then he wrote one back, and we both learned something.

"Oh.  That’s how it feels to you?   Huh."

Good luck, and hugs.  Engagement was a big roller coaster for us, and I don’t doubt that marriage will be too, but at least the timeline won’t be compressed.

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