Just not invite someone?

posted 2 months ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

Has your fiance ever spoken to her privately about how her behavior makes him uncomfortable? Maybe she doesn’t get it. If you don’t have the space, it’s generous of you to invite her to the local one and not the distance one. It’s really up to you if you want to even invite her to that one though, as you don’t have the obligation. Don’t invite her to the smaller one though, as you don’t want her behavior to intrude, especially in a small space. 

Post # 4
Member
8635 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ahsoka :  This has nothing to do with etiquette. There is no etiquette that says you have to invite every member of a group of friends. It has to do with which consequence you’re willing to accept: Invite her and have someone you don’t really like at your wedding, or don’t invite her and deal with her hurt feelings and possible negative response from the group. You say your fiance doesn’t want her invited, but doesn’t want to hurt her feelings either, but it has to be one or the other. Which do you care more about?

Post # 5
Member
1879 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I wouldn’t invite her. If anyone asks why, tell them. But also you need to start speaking up when she makes comments like that. If it was a male friend of your fiancé’s making comments like that I’m guessing you’d want your fiance to speak up for him to stop. I think you should do the same when it’s your friend bothering your fiance.

Post # 8
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

What is the concern? That she won’t like you? You don’t like her, so why care? Are you afraid other people won’t like you if you don’t invite her? Worry less about stuff like that.

You don’t really want her there, neither does your Fiance. Why is this even a question?

Post # 9
Member
7764 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Excluding this woman while inviting everyone else in the friend group will send a very clear message to her that you do not consider her a friend. It is an explicit snub, and there’s no way to soften that blow.

So you just have to decide if the benefits of not having her at your wedding outweigh the cons of the drama and hurt feelings that will follow. Only you and your husband can make that call!

Post # 10
Member
8635 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ahsoka :  Ah, I misread. You said he doesn’t worry about hurting feelings, and I misread that as he is worried about hurting her feelings. Thanks for clarifying — and that makes it easier. You have almost a whole year until your wedding. Since he isn’t worried about, I assume the only reason he hasn’t spoken up to her before is because he doesn’t want to embarass you or make things awkward for you. So, give him “permission” to shut her down. It doesn’t even have to be rude. If he just puts a confused look on his face (or a stone cold look) and asks “what do you mean?” every time she says something stupid, she will stop saying stupid things. And as for you, just don’t answer her calls or texts. By time you send out invitations, either she won’t be expecting one or  she’ll be acting like a normal human that you won’t mind having at your wedding. Start now though.

ETA after your update: Your husband should be the one to shut her down. If you do it, she will assume you’re just jealous or something. He’s the one she is making uncomfortable, and he’s the one who doesn’t care about her feelings, let him take care of it. Why put yourself in the middle?

Post # 12
Member
3681 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I don’t have experience with this, but if she is part of a tight-knit friend group, you need to weigh the pros and cons of not inviting her. If you want to continue any kind of relationship with her at all, even just a simple cordial one, I agree with others that you and/or your husband need to shut the inappropriate behavior down as soon as it happens. Sometimes people continue to cross boundaries because no one has ever bothered to call them out on it. It will be awkward if you tend to shy away from confrontation, but someone needs to. 

However, if you are ok with not maintaining any kind of relationship, then don’t feel forced to invite her. Only invite the people you truly want there and who are going to be there to support you. If she questions why she wasn’t invited then explain to her you didn’t feel like she supported your relationship enough to warrant an invite based on her previous statements about wanting to be “the other wife”.

I don’t envy your situation. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Keep us updated!

Post # 13
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I had a circle of friends, and in that was a girl that made me uncomfortable. She was constantly stomping boundaries, telling white lies, and made me feel unease/stressed. She proved several times she wasn’t a genuine friend, but in a group setting I was polite to her. She didn’t get an invite to the wedding, the rest of the group did.

It has pretty much killed off any air of polite friendship, but I’m happier she’s not in my life. It sounds like you would be fine with that, so I’d say don’t invite her just because you’re inviting your other friends.

Post # 14
Member
9366 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I did not invited anyone I didn’t like to my wedding. My husband and I had family members on both sides who didn’t get invited because we don’t like them. I also invited several good friends from grad school but left out one guy that I really didn’t like. Even though we are in the same circle that doesn’t make us friends. It was really never a problem, no one every brought up or asked why he wasn’t invited and my relationship with him stayed pretty much exactly the same – polite when we see each other but not friends.

If I were you I wouldn’t invite her. It will might hurt her feelings but if you’ve stopped taking her calls she probably won’t be that surprised. 

Post # 15
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

ahsoka :  I am far from a bully. I just don’t get your question. You both don’t care that much for this girl. What reason is there for puzzling whether to invite her?

I did have some kind of experience. I didn’t imvite an aunt to my wedding. because if she was there, she and another 3 of my relatives would have formed a tight circle, which would have excluded my mother. I didn’t want that for my mom at my wedding, so I didn’t invite the aunt. My mom had a lovely day with the other family members, and I didn’t wonder what anyone would think. 

If you don’t like my answers you can flag me, report me to the mods, and they can ban me.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors