(Closed) Just not strong enough…. Long

posted 4 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Oh hun, I am so sorry for what you are going through!!! I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years now, and I only get to see my FH twice a year for a few weeks. So I can try and share some coping mechanisms since I still have 4 more years to go.

 

Stay in touch with his family and build a relationship with them. They miss him too and you can bond over that. Find some hobbies, or maybe even get a pet dog (if you have time for a pet). I noticed that it became a lot easier for FI to wait when he had an adorable puppy kissing him all the time. I am jealous that his time spent apart is waaay better than what I have to do 🙁

 

Just because you aren’t married doesn’t mean you need to keep reminding yourself that! Go to the meetings!!! It doesn’t matter your label! Make friends with those women! They really know what you are dealing with. Do not be afraid. Anything the army offers you to use facilities, take advantage. Meeting people and making friends will build you the support system you so desperately need.

 


 

If this doesn’t help, maybe seek some counseling. You need to learn how to be happy and strong alone. I can’t Imagine what  you are going through, but you do need to talk to someone. Let this stress out so it doesn’t eat you up inside.

 

Post # 4
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@redbootz:  I’m sorry that you become such a wreck when your FI is gone. I lost a BF at the start of the “War in Iraq” and he enlisted after we got together so I didn’t even really get that “prep” of knowing what it was I was getting into and of course being just a GF I got zero communication from the army including when he was killed in action. 

I can say only a few things to help you.

1) Get the legal marriage before his next deployment if thats at all possible.

2) Get a proper social support network. There are numerous groups for army wives and yes some for those who are not offically married yet. You do need the support of people who understand what you’re going through.

3) If your eating disorder is coming back then I would recommend some therapy to cope with it. If you can see your family doctor and let them know about the anxiety you feel around his deployments and they may be able to refer you to the right channels or provide you anti depressants that can help boost your mood in those hard times. (Let the dr know if you’re against taking daily medication and want “just in hard times” meds)

 

But also do NOT critize or say friends without army husbands don’t understand and are asking stupid questions. Your friend may know he’s deployed but that not be what instantly comes to mind when you say you’re stressed. You need a friend to confide in and sometimes that can be someone in a different social situation. They may not be able to fully understand but they can be there for you.

I hope you can find a way to cope and deal with this stress. *hugs!*

Post # 5
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

My father was an army man too and I am so thankfull that my SO is not. The deployment and missing someone you love is pretty hard to cope with, on top of the fear that something is going to happen to him. My father suffered/suffers from PTSS afterwards which was awfull too and also left me with some emotional scarring. 

 

I do think it’s hard for people who have not gone true this themselves to get what your going true, especially if you are not willing to tell them. So if you want your friend(s) to understand you really need to open up. Sometimes just one word is not enough, but I’m sure she’ll be very understanding once you opened up more. This seems like an ongoing theme in your post. You really should open up more, it’s not neccassary to post on facebook, but tell your family & friends how you feel. You won’t get any help unless it’s clear that you need it and if you’re smiling and pretending your fine they won’t know you need it.

 

I suggest some counseling, you really seem to need some. A therapist can give you some tools to deal with the stress.

 

Post # 6
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Deployment is hard, no doubt, but it shouldn’t be that hard. (I am speaking from personal experience here.) Have you thought about speaking with a therapist? You may have some underlying issues that are affecting your ability to cope with the stress. If you can address those underlying issues, it may become easier to cope with the deployment.

And also, stay insanely busy to make the time pass more quickly. Downtime to think is your enemy. Pack your schedule with things to do and things to look forward to.

Post # 7
Member
8176 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

are there other ladies in your same position on your FI’s base?  can you form your own support group of engaged and dating women?

 

Post # 8
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

There must be an ombudsman for the unit. They are the ones who send out the “get your car checked” emails (probably who had your information on the first deployment), but they also send out the updates about the deployment and homecoming. You can also use the email list to meet other women who will be able to take you on base for any meetings or events.

Post # 9
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I also agree that you should seek out a therapist.

I am a bit worried for you while it is normal to be stressed, upset, etc. in your situation it sounds like this is all a bit overwhelming to you.

Post # 10
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think the real question is — do you want to cope? or do you want a SO that can be by your side?

Post # 12
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

@redbootz: It’s great that you sought therapy and that you’re finding things to do to keep yourself busy. My sister is an Army wife. It was especially hard for her because she had to move to the other side of the US with her husband when they got married, leaving all her friends and family behind. She gets depressed and stressed out too, but she keeps herself busy, and I think that’s a big part of what keeps her from going crazy. When she’s not working, she bakes, does crafts, takes pictures, babysits, talks to people on Facebook, or whatever else she can find to do. She also has fellow Army wives she spends time with, and she goes to church, where she has a lot of support. I am sorry you’re going through this, and I’m sure this is something I couldn’t fully understand without being in your position 🙁 But, if you truly want to keep your relationship with your FI going, I believe you can get through it! *hugs*

Post # 13
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@redbootz:  no offense but it’s like Military SO 101 to NOT watch the news and stress about whats going on. If you are close with his parents then trust that if something God forbid did happen to him, you would know.

There are a million Military Wife/Gf/FI groups out there, alot are on facebook where you can privately message them and they can get the word out for you that you need help. A few are just around the net. Google around and you will definitely find something. Be forewarned though, alot of the advice is things like pray or trust in God which is not my cup of tea and really angered me at first.

Definitely stay busy. Understand that people who haven’t gone through this, don’t understand. Its not that they arent trying to, it’s just that they can’t. It’s a very difficult thing to understand having your SO gone for so long.

I understand how you mean about not knowing anything and not allowed on base. Someone suggested to contact the ombudsman (sp?) and thats really the way to go. They can give you the info of other wives in the unit. When I was just a gf I was able to speak with the ombudsman.

I just read through your post though and you are in the UK. I assume he is UK military and not US? (if that makes sense) They might have different rules…

 

Stay strong sweetie…It will be over soon

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