(Closed) Just plain sad…..

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Why are you stuck? You know what you need to do.

Put yourself FIRST sweetheart :). Leave the guy! Find the one who is meant for you. And don’t buy any more of this guys bullshit. Life is waaaay too short!!

You can’t change people. He is who he is.

Post # 4
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

im sorry you are going through this 🙁  Hugs.  i hesitate to give you advice so i will just give you my opinion… if the guy i was living with expected every date to be dutch and was actually making an effort to keep our lives separate, id assume that our relationship was not headed to marriage.  it sounds like you guys are casually dating, but youre living together.  it sounds like he is way too comfortable.

the problem with an ultimatum is that you have to be prepared to follow through.  so are you prepared to pack up and move for good until you get and engagement?  do you even want and engagement? honestly, it doesnt sound like you two have a very happy relationship.  what would marriage change?

Post # 5
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Have you tried counseling? This sounds way deeper than just the ring..

Post # 6
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

Marriage isn’t going to change this. A ring isn’t going to change this- I would move out and stay gone because he is OBVIOUSLY showing you the guy he really is. Who wants to be married to that? It would be a marriage completely one sided.

Post # 7
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with the other posters who have said that there are deeper issues here than just the ring. You left, he wooed you back, and now you’re in the same position you were before you left. Clearly he’s not going to change. If you want marriage, he’s not the guy for you.

So you guys are engaged? Are you actively planning the wedding?

The fact that your daughter noticed should be another red flag. Who needs a man who makes empty promises, cops and attitude, and makes you feel sad? Seriously, you can do better!

Post # 8
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry. It is very hard when you love someone to see the light sometimes, we hope so hard that things will change.

I was in a similar situation- not with a ring, but I was with someone for 6 years who had poor parenting skills (which affected my life tremendously), different backgrounds, different approaches to life. I stayed, because I loved him. After 6 years (two of which I spent seeing him through a severe illness), he had a midlife crisis and dumped me for another woman. In hindsight, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but it was hard and it hurt like hell.

IMO, you cannot “make it” with someone who has kids and doesn’t parent them in the same way you would. It is just too damned difficult. You will always be in disagreement and if kids live with you, your life will be hell. If he is doing things he knows irritate you, that’s another strike, and if he won’t even take a step forward, that is strike 3 (4, and 5)!

He doesn’t want to marry you, but he wants you to want him. That’s what it sounds like to me. And you can do better. Trust me. I did.

Post # 9
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

And by the way, I wasted those years trying to change the man I was with. Those were my reproductive years. By the time I met Fiance, it was too late for me. Who knows what else I missed out on, spending all that time hoping someone else would change for me.

Post # 10
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would leave.  I can’t tell you what to do… but there are just too many things going awry.  I know that there are hiccups in every relationship… no one is exempt from problems.  But these problems seem too deep to be rectified.  I wouldn’t have moved back in…. if he really wanted to get married, he wouldn’t have tested your boundaries to the point of you moving out in the first place.  It sounds like he just wants to keep you on “reserve” but not really commit.  And it’s very childish of him to do things to purposely irritate you (the shorts & flip flops).  He’s obviously not ready.

Post # 11
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Also, your first priority has to be your daughter. She is watching all this, and as you said, noticing it. Don’t let her see you being taken for a fool, or putting up with crap. She will think that’s normal, and end up in the same crappy situation. If you don’t have the strength to get out for you, get out for her.

Post # 12
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee

You do not agree on 3 very big things:  parenting, finances, and religion.  Three HUGE red flags to me. 

Post # 13
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Marriage is not going to make this better. Get out now and stop wasting your time. He’s doing things on purpose because he knows you hate it? sounds like an immature douche. 

Post # 15
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

Basically it sounds like he gave you a shut up ring since he won’t even speak of the wedding now. I really would cut your losses and move on- this isn’t a promising situation. Put it like this- you want to give a good example for your daughter and you don’t want to be here a year later writing a similar post.You never know- once you leave, maybe the guy you are suppose to marry will come into your life. I hear that story a lot from other women who were just plain old fed up.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Post # 16
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee

@sunshine8:  Okay, it happened.  You came to the realization that things are not going to change.  It does hurt.  Give yourself time to grieve but start planning for your future.  This can be exciting.  You get a fresh start.  You know the saying “Fake it until you make it”. .. You learned something about yourself during all this drama.  Use it!

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