Post # 17
I don’t have any children, but him saying he doesn’t want to be responsible for your daughter is not cool. How can he not be already if y’all live together? He doesn’t sound to great and I don’t often say that. But not wanting to be responsible for your daughter? That’s going to far.
I hope you find a way to take care of yourself and your daughter.
Post # 18
Actually in this case moving in with him worked, you found out what he is really like….which is a jerk! You don’t want to be married to someone who cares so little for your child do you? At least you found out now so you are LUCKY!
I know things suck and you are in pain, and it sucks to feel tricked and lied to. It sucks to be 34 and starting over again…it sucks! However for your mental health and your child you need to get away. I’m sure on this board you’ve heard it before and now it is only a matter of time before you leave. But the sooner the better. You need to get with some girlfriends, move out, move in with the rents if you can but you need to get out of there!
I’m 32 and have been divorced too and made some pretty bad decisions in relationships but I refuse to give up my dignity to someone else.
Post # 19
I think Danadelphia has it right. Not much more to be said after that. Perhaps he’ll see the light, but you seem like a strong lady – get your own place and find a man who truly appreciates you and your daughter. Good luck and I’m so sorry about all this.
Post # 20
I agree with VikingPrincess You are LUCKY you didn’t marry him and possibly be 34 years old and divorced twice! I know you are in great pain now, but I believe the old cliche ‘things happen for a reason’. There is someone out there who will love you and your daughter completely and one day (hopefully soon) you will realize how lucky you were to get out of this relationship!
Post # 21
you will find the man worthy of you…apparently, he is NOT it!
Post # 22
I think you know at this point that you cannot trust this man. He contradicts himself with every manipulative “statement” that you mentioned. What you need to do at this point is trust yourself! You know what the right decision is. You know the answers to all the questions you are asking us and asking yourself. You have known for a while. It is a scary, scary thing to take this huge step in moving on, but you will be rewarded for it in the end.
Continue to seek out help from reliable sources — family members and friends you respect (and especially those who have healthy relationships with their significant others!), church, whatever support systems you have access to. They will help you through this (so will we!) and will help to keep your head up. You can do this!! As others have put it, because of your daughter, you really do not have a choice. Stay strong!
Post # 23
I’m divorced and a mom to a wonderful son.
If my Fiance (back when we were seriously dating) said he didn’t want to be responsible for my son, I’d be out the door faster than warp speed.
It’s a real sad thing to see him say such things, as he should love your child too, if he is in the relationship for life.
I just see his actions as very juvenile and selfish imho. It’s like he’s hanging what is in the safe over your head. Not good either.
I divorced my ex at your age and look at me..remarrying the man of my dreams. Be so thankful you didn’t marry this guy and realize life is so much ahead of you and so many amazing blessings and opportunities ahead.
This is a real blessing in disguise. You will meet the right guy, and when it’s right, he will embrace you, your daughter, and want to shout to the world he wants to marry you. That day will come! Hang in there and just focus on you getting a new apartment and a fresh start for you and your precious child. Hugs and healing! You can do it!
Post # 24
I won’t repeat what have already been said by the ladies. They have given a lot of good perspectives. One thing I would say is to follow your gut instincts. Can you envision him as being a good father to your child now and in the future? A supportive, loving husband? Be honest with yourself and follow your gut instincts.
Post # 25
Oh Bellenga! That put a tear in my eye! You always have such lovely, heartfelt wisdom to share.
Post # 26
Well, I’m thinking switching my career into the medical field which my SO said he would be supportive of and help me financially while I was in school. Thinking maybe of staying another year or so and then I’ll more financially stable to get my own place. I’m a hairstylist and my income isn’t steady income. One week is great,next week is slow etc. I have mentioned about leaving but I don’t think he takes me seriously. He’s way to comfy. All his emotional and physical needs are being met,mine obviously are not. I have voiced this to him without much of a response from him.
Post # 27
In your last post, you mentioned that you’ve mentioned leaving but that you don’t think he takes you seriously. I would highly recommend that you RUN out and get either the book Why Men Love Bitches OR Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherry Argov. Just so you know, she doesn’t mean “bitches” in the traditional sense. In her book, bitch stands for babe in total control of herself. Anyways, in her book she talks about how men don’t respond to WORDS. Instead, they respond to ACTIONS. So, basically we can talk until we’re blue in the face about how we’re going to leave if our needs aren’t being met, yet we stay and so then they think okay, obviously she wasn’t serious since she’s still here. Now, now that i necessarily advocate you actually leaving your S.O., but just wanted to give you some “food for thought”. Good luck to you.
Post # 28
Oh CuteLittleBuzzingBee is right. Those books are my bibles!
Sunshine8 why are you meeting his needs if yours aren’t met? And he is willing to help you during school but won’t help your kiddo? I just have to say it again…you’ve been through a divorce before…you know there is life afterwards…why are you still with this man?
I just think you need to remember who is most important to you…YOU ARE! Your child is. This man isn’t family and you need not treat him as such.
Post # 29
Sunshine, do you realize that you are contradicting yourself? You said that he doesn’t take you seriously when you tell him you think about leaving — but now you just said that you are not leaving. Why would he take you seriously? You aren’t doing what you are saying you’re going to do. Now you are even planning on relying on him for his finances for another “year or so?” Do you really think you should be putting your daughter through that — living amidst an unstable relationship with a man in the home who does not care for her?
The career change sounds like a great plan, though. I would reccomend that you seek out a counselor to help you through all these major decisions and transitions in your life. I know I would have a difficult time sorting through it all on my own.
Post # 30
Littmissmango is completely right. You are contradicting yourself. He will not take you seriously until you stand up for yourself. You need to take a decisive action to get yourself and your daughter out of this situation. You can complain about it all you want, but nothing is going to change unless you do something about it. He obviously thinks that you are full of empty threats. Leave. 1 of 2 things will happen; 1. He will realize that you are serious and he will straighten himself up or 2. You will be rid of him and it’ll be over.
Post # 31
I was so deeply concerned by #3 and him not wanting to be responsible for your daughter.
I am a social worker and work with teenagers. The BIGGEST issue I deal with with these “troubled” teens is not things that they can ever change or control, 90% of the time it comes from step-parents who do not want them around and expect their mother or father to choose between them and their child. Children are so intuitive, and can pick things up even if they are not verbally said to them. Eventually these kids start to act out because they want to be noticed and loved for who they are. They don’t want to be an annoyance and unwanted. All too often I see parents choose their partner’s needs over their child’s which I think is sad.
What do you want for your child? Where do you want her to be in 3, 4, 5, 10 year time? Do you want her to feel safe and secure in the knowledge that she is loved and supported 100%? Do you want her to feel safe to make mistakes (which inevitable she will because that is a part of growing up) without the fear of getting kicked out of home or victimised within her home? Do you want to be stuck in the middle of your daughter and partner and having to choose between them?
Make sure you think about all of these things and more when you make your decision of what you want to do. Sure, nobody is saying it is going to be an easy decision, but make sure you are thinking of the best interests of both you and your daughter.