Post # 1
Rather than lead with how I am unhappy, let me first say that Mr. Tacos is still amazing. He is truly a blessing in my life, and I am very happy he is here. I am always excited to spend time with him and we are goofy and giggly 96% of the time.
…however, with that being said, I have been in a funk lately and it was mostly brought on by Future Mother-In-Law nitpicking what she didn’t like about me to him – which totally blindsided me. My own mother went through this situation with my grandmother, and it constantly challenged her relationship and frustrated her. I don’t want this to happen, but every time I have tried to reach out to Future Mother-In-Law now she cordially acknowledges it… but ultimately denies me the opportunity to build a relationship beyond what we have now.
He’s very close with her, and I know he isn’t happy with the perceived “distance” in their relationship. He confided to me that he wishes they were not drifting, but he thinks this is necessary for him to become a “man”. I have never had a close family, so this mentality is bizarre to me and I can’t begin to comprehend being upset about having my own family and not making my parents number one.
Now I feel insecure. Future Father-In-Law is kind to me, but is one of those men who are very proper and not terribly personable. Future Mother-In-Law seems warm and silly, but she dislikes me for ‘taking away’ her son. *sigh* I know there isn’t really a solution. I guess I just needed to vent. They are such a huge part of his life, but I can’t seem to win. does this ever change?
Post # 3
I think it changes. When we got engaged 8 months ago, it was difficult for Future Mother-In-Law, and she had some moments I’m sure! I don’t fault her if she did have difficulties, but now that we’ve moved on, tried including her in the planning and made her a part of our lives, she has come around a lot. Just don’t stress too much about it and wait until the engagement happens and she has time to digest it. After that happens, hopefully she can be more involved since your Fiance seems to want her there, but be prepared to accept that she never may be as involved in his life again and that it has nothing to do with you specifically, but with him growing up and moving on.
Post # 4
Know that HE is choosing to marry you. HE is! It is NOT your fault they are drifiting apart! His mother is the one putting in that wedge. She will likely blame you but she’s the one putting the wedge there and making him choose.
Secondly, it will only change if your Future Mother-In-Law changes. Two months after our wedding, Mother-In-Law is still the same bitter overly jealous person.
>>FMIL nitpicking what she didn’t like about me to him<<
This is completely inacceptable and he shouldn’t listen to it anymore. If she starts in on you, he needs to leave the situation immediately: hang up the phone or leave the room. He can also say “I am not discussing this with you. If you bring this up again, I will hang up/leave.” And if she does this he needs to FOLLOW THROUGH every time.
I’ve been/am in your shoes…Good Luck! If you need anything, feel free to send me a message.
Post # 5
Your post really made me think… my brother hasn’t actually dated anyone in about 4 1/2 years, and it really made me think about the fact that my sister/father/mother/fiance/cousins/aunt/uncle/and I always give him crap about any girl he has brought around during this time and any “hypothetical” girl he would bring home (seriously we talk about the fact that he will bring home some dumb blonde bimbo who doesn’t even know what 2+2 is)… I guess we see it as being that he’s such a great guy and no one is even remotely close to being good enough for him, that we all love him so much and feel like he is just selling himself short but in actuality we are just not giving him the support he gave us in our relationships…
Thanks for the post
Hopefully things will get better between you and your future in-law!!!
Post # 6
It gets better. My experience:
Year 1: Future Mother-In-Law refuses to meet me, makes snarky comments about me to Fiance, doesn’t even want to hear Fiance talk about us as a couple
Year 2: Future Mother-In-Law accepts that I’m around for the long term. She invites me over her house a couple of times and is cordial, though distant.
Year 3: Future Mother-In-Law and I actually have a long and open conversation about everything I’ve wanted to ask for years. We actually have positive feelings towards each other and enjoy our occasional contact.
I think what made this happen, besides natural effects of time, were FI’s efforts to get Future Mother-In-Law on our team. With comments like “All I want for my birthday is for you to invite GirlWithARing to your house”) or (“It would make me so happy if all three of us could be close and spend time together”), he made it less of a battle and helped us get to where we are today.
Post # 7
I am in a similar boat to yours. Previous to moving in with my FH he had never lived on his own whereas I had been a free bird for some years. He is experiencing that natural divorce from his parents that I went through a long time ago. His parents are understanding and supportive, but at the same time they (unintentionally) make him feel a little awkward about not being part of their household anymore.
It think it’s a normal thing that will just take a good chunk of time. His Future Mother-In-Law and Future Father-In-Law are cordial to me but it will just take a little warming up to feel really comfortable around them. As for her discussing your shortcomings behind your back? That is WRONG in any social circle. Be frank and tell her how that affects every relationship. Between you and her, you and your husband, and even how poorly it makes her appear to her son. (but word that last one carefully haha)
Post # 8
I hope it changes once you are married, but I wouldn’t hold my breath! Does she have a lot of friends/hobbies/a career? I think someone’s that generation of women had so much of their lives invested in their children, they are kind of at a loss when they no longer take center stage. It doesn’t mean her behavior is OK, but maybe she is lonely and acting out in an inappropriate way.
Post # 9
I’ve been following your posts regarding your future in-laws. I really feel for you. That is the worst.
I recall that you two haven’t been together over a year, but how old are you two? Are you your BF’s first serious girlfriend? Is this something that might be a problem because you are the first serious girlfriend that your Boyfriend or Best Friend has ever had, which would make your Future Mother-In-Law feel a bit possessive over him?
I really hope that things improve – from all of your posts, it sounds like you have gone out of your way to be nice to them.
As some of the other posters have stated, your Boyfriend or Best Friend isn’t ready to get married, until he is ready to put you first since you will become his family. Also, if Boyfriend or Best Friend says an engagement is not even close (from another of your posts), perhaps it would be best to cool off the relationship a bit. Are you two living together? If not, perhaps start spending more time with your friends. He clearly doesn’t seem like he is ready to make a life changing commitment to you, which is sad considering how devoted you are to him and how ready you are to be his wife.
Also, it may not be the best idea to suggest pre-marital counseling when he has made it clear that he isn’t ready for an engagement. This may end up working against you if you two are in different places in terms of where you feel you are in the relationship, progression wise.
(HUGS!!!) Good luck girly, I hope this works out for you!! Remember, you always have us here to lean on.