(Closed) Just so lost. What can I do to fix this? Sex life doomed? :( (long)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Would you be offended if I offered you some *tough* love/advice? I.e., can I be completely, 100% real with you?

Post # 4
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Well you certainly right about the need for counseling – lots of issues here. I gathered you are not married yet. I recommend that you take some time to really think this through. Weddings are nice and all that (and I have had two and been in too many-to-count) but after the wedding comes daily life —  please ask yourself if you want to live everyday for the rest of your life with this person. His inappropriate/annoying joking is not likely to go away just because you want it to. And “can be really sweet” may be true but you are talking about your potential life partner , can you count on him?

 

Post # 6
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Should you be getting married? I’m sorry for being so honest, but I think until you can actually get the time to go to counseling and make sure that this is really right for you. I would put this on hold and give it some time. He hasn’t treated you right and still doesn’t seem to be. I would make sure that you’re 100% happy before the marriage.

If you were really sure wouldn’t you find the time for counseling? You could have gone today instead of going to pay a deposit. If it’s worth fighting for you will find the time. 

Post # 8
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

No counselling needed! Get rid of him. You’re 21. 

ps. eat as many sandwiches as you like 

Post # 9
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Okay. Here goes.

You don’t need counseling. You need to get out of this relationship. I haven’t even read your other thread regarding the cheating, but I’m telling you right now you are not compatible for one another. If it weren’t so crass to do so, I would place a bet on this marriage ending in divorce. Except I can’t imagine anyone naive enough to bet against me that it wouldn’t.

I’d like to expound on this with a multitude of examples from this post, but I think instead I will use just one:

I cant even imagine having children with him if hes always going to act like one himself.

He will absolutely, positively, ALWAYS act this way. Mark. My. Words.

You are 21. Get rid of this guy, and go live your life.

Post # 10
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well if he wants sex so badly, he’s going to need to start respecting you. I think that picking on you after you’ve explicitly asked him not to shows a lack of respect, whether he realizes/intends it or not. And if you want children, but can’t see yourself having children with a man who acts like a child, where does that leave you? Not having kids if he doesn’t change? Having kids with him anyways and being constantly frustrated? Hoping he’ll grow out of it? Finding someone else who is a better fit for you?

If you belong to an organized religion, find out if the religious figure offers free or greatly reduced counseling. If either of you are in school, every school I’ve ever been to has free counseling for students. If his/your school doesn’t have it for free, they probably have it for much cheaper than if you went outside of the school.

ETA: So he cheated on you, too? I missed that by accident. I’m all for keeping hope alive and thinking maybe people can work through their issues, but so far it sounds to me like you’ve tolerated more than I ever would. Do you deserve to be suffering the way he has you suffering? I doubt it. Of course none of us readers know the full story, but I would’ve been long gone by now, just based on the things you’ve said here. But if you really think it’s worth one last try, look into religious and/or school based counseling.

Post # 11
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m going to agree with several of the ladies here, I don’t think this is the right guy for you and it’s better to end the relationship sooner rather than later. Ask yourself this question… “Do I want a lifetime of _______”?(fill in the blank) If the answer is no then RUN!!!!.

He doesn’t respect your feelings and says mean things. He’s childish and although he’s emotionally cheated and maybe thats one reason your sex life is lacking but another may be you’re not attracted to a guy that acts like a child. I know I wouldn’t be. I wish you the best sweetie and you know we’re all here for you.

Post # 12
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@redangel: I’m joining the “brutally honest” camp, here. You say you think you have communication issues. Honey, it sounds to me like you are communicating just fine! You have made your needs and wishes WELL known. The fact that he is IGNORING your needs, broke your trust, belittles you, and acts like a 10 year old does not point to a communication issue. It points to him being an asshole. Even if he is sweet a lot of the time (obviously you have your good times as well as your bad), you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you, and who wants to build you up rather than tear you down. You are SO young and have SO much of your life ahead of you. I can 100% guarantee you that there is a better, kinder, sweeter, more mature, more trustworthy man out there for you. I know it may not seem like it now, but you are WAY too young to be in a passionateless marriage. Hell, everybody’s too young to be in a passionateless marriage!

Post # 13
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee

There are so many red flags about his behaviour in this post. Run.

Post # 14
Member
2496 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Sweetie, you deserve to be with someone who listens to your needs, puts you before himself, and does whatever he can to make you happy.  He’s not acting like a mature, 26 year old man should act, and you deserve someone who will.

You’ve told him how you feel, you need to explain that this behavior is unacceptable, and he is hurting you and your relationship by continually not listening to you.  Make the correlation that his lack of communication to you is JUST as hurtful as a lack of sex is to him.  Both are necessary for a healthy relationship.

If it were me, I would let him know that this disregard for your thoughts and requests are hurtful, and you won’t tolerate it anymore.  So, he has a choice — give you the respect and love you deserve, or you’re out.

 

Post # 15
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

The money spent on counseling is a FAR better investment than money spent on catering, In My Humble Opinion.

That being said… Run. My take on the Golden Rule is not just treat people the way you want to be treated – but do NOT put up with people who don’t treat YOU the way you deserve to be treated! 

Post # 16
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ditto. If he gives you a hard time for wanting to have a meal because you haven’t eaten now..what if you later had children and are too busy to make food and want him to make a food run for you?? You would die of starvation!  I would say have a real heart to heart talk to him…if he still make jokes after your heartfelt talks, then i say you have some thinking to do.  The way he’s treating you right now is like an older brother to his little sister…and an awful of a jerk brother at that!  I hope you can get him to tone down a little!

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