(Closed) Just some jokes to lighten up your day… :)

posted 7 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the  following question: ‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? 

Michael said, ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’  The teacher responded by saying, ‘That would  be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ 

Sherman said, ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.’  Teacher said, ‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.  And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’ 

‘I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.’ 

The teacher fainted.

Post # 4
Member
1897 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

How do you catch a special rabbit?

 

 

 

 

 

U—nique up on it!

Post # 5
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

There are two muffins in an oven, one muffin turns to the the other and says, “Man, it’s hot in here.” The other muffin yells “Holy Sh*t a talking Muffin.”

tee hee

Post # 6
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

So funny I can’t wait to tell SO these. He always hear all mine already. Makes me mad.

Post # 7
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

haha! i love jokes, can never remember any except one.

Where did George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

Post # 8
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Here’s one

Banta thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men dont bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men dont bleed.

“Do you now agree that dead men dont bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," Banta replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patients finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, “What does that tell you?”

“Oh my goodness!” Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger … “Dead men do bleed!!”

Post # 9
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtle’s back?

 

“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Post # 10
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and a man dressed in only a trench coat walked up to them and flashed them.

The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady coooouldn’t quite reach.

🙂

Post # 11
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

These are great – here is one of my fav’s:

(When I say this joke I always use little old lady southern accent voices so do that while reading LOL)

3 little old ladies are sitting around chatting.

Enid says to the others:

“If your man were a soda pop, which soda pop would he be?”

They think about it for a minute and then little Bertha pipes up:

“Seven-up”

Enid: “Why is that?”

Betha: “Because he is seven inches and he always up?”

Laughter

Then little old Wilma says: “My man would be Mountain Do… Because he built like a mountain and he ALWAAAAYS DO!!!!”

They sit around laughing for a moment and then Wilma says:

“Enid, what about you? If your man were a soda pop – which soda pop would he be?”

Enid: “Jack Daniels”

Bertha: “Isn’t that some kind of hard liquor?”

Enid: “UH HUH!!!!!”

Post # 12
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

Post # 13
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?”

Her husband whispers back, “Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

Post # 14
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@dana! hahahah, loved that fart joke, of course.

Post # 15
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I will always, always laugh at fart jokes.

Post # 16
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

A man with a drinking problem promised his wife that he’d quit drinking, but after just a few days, he fell off the wagon. He went to a bar and got so drunk that he threw up on his shirt.

“Oh, no,” he slurred. “My wife will know that I’ve been drinking when she sees the vomit on my shirt.”

“No problem,” said the bartender. Just take a twenty dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When your wife asks what happened, tell her that a stranger on the train threw up on you and gave you the money for dry-cleaning.”

“Great idea!” said the drunk man. He put a twenty in his shirt pocket and stumbled home.

When he got home, his wife was shocked. “What happened to your shirt? Were you drinking again?”

“No, honey,” the man said. “I was on the train and a man threw up on me. He felt so bad about it that he gave me a $20 bill for the dry-cleaning charges.”

His wife helped him out of his dirty shirt and took the money out of the pocket. “But honey,” she said, “there are two twenties in here!”

“Oh, yeah,” said the man. “He sh*t my pants, too.”

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