(Closed) Just started crying yesterday…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

I’m right there with you,@LoveMyDogs:! Like mentioned several times before here on the waiting boards, I think lots of us tend to cycle through the same stages of waiting at the same time. And I’m in the sad, on edge all.the.time, questioning the relationship stage right now. It blows. It sucks big fat donkey balloonsTongue out! And no matter how much distracting I do for myself, my thoughts always eventually go back to ‘Wtf is WRONG with him?! How is he ‘just not ready?!’

I was having a horrible day yesterday, just ready to burst. But, somehow, I held it in. Don’t know how, but I did.

So, you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and my SO doesn’t seem to ‘get it’, either. Stupid male species.

Post # 4
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

+ 1

 

You’re not crazy even one little bit!

 

Post # 5
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This isn’t what you want to hear I’m sure, but it’s not supposed to be this hard. You guys have been together for years and he’s still saying “I want to be sure”? You’re negotiating ultimatums?

It doesn’t sound like he wants to get married. I’m sorry but it just doesn’t.

Post # 7
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry if this is in your OP, but how old are you guys and how long have you been together in a serious, commited relationship (not just dating in highschool kind of deal)

Post # 8
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

First of all, I’m all too aware of “facebook jealousy.” I have the same problem. It seems like all around me, people are getting married, engaged, having kids, landing jobs. It is absolutely frustrating to me, because I am not where I want to be in my professional life right now (which is currently my first priority), and as a result, my personal life is lagging, too. And everyone’s status updates are just a reminder of how much THEY are enjoying life, and I’m not.

But you know what? First of all, the people who post about how perfect their life is are often overcompensating for the fact that, in fact, things are NOT perfect in their lives~ they’re just omitting the negatives. So keep that in mind. Second, just remember that everyone moves at their own pace, and what is right for some people is not necessarily right for you. I know that things will fall into place for me – it just might not be at the same time as other people. 

But my first piece of advice is to limit your time on facebook. I only log in about once a week, and this is exactly why. I have a hard enough time not dwelling on the negative state of my life, without having other people throw their shit in my face. 

Second, I would not try to negotiate a May timeline. Let your guy stick to his July deadline. He is telling you he’s not 100%, but that he thinks he can pull it together by the end of July. Give him the time that he is asking for. You can’t force a decision, much as we would like to!

I know how frustrating it is to feel “stuck” in life. Hell, I have bipolar depression, and despite having managed it so well for awhile, I broke down, and am just getting over a depression that lasted three weeks. It was triggered by how stuck I feel in life – those were the exact words that I used, too. 

Just wait it out. Have patience. Before long, everyone else will be jealous of YOU. Wink

Post # 9
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

For me, it’s more frustration and confusion about why every other man but mine seems to just “get it” about how life works — and why my man seems so oblivious about these natural progressions of life.

 

This is exactly my frustration with my Boyfriend or Best Friend too. So unfortunately your guy is not the only one who doesn’t “get it”.  I don’t think that just because he isn’t ready that he doesn’t want to marry you eventually.  Like others have said, the idea of getting married is different for guys and girls.  For some guys, like ours, I think it is just harder to warm up to the idea of taking the actual steps to move forward.

Post # 10
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@KatyElle: I’d have to agree with you.  I have been with my husband since I was 20, and within a couple months, I knew this was it ( we had known each other for a long time).  About a year into the relationship, I flat out told him I knew he was the one, and that if he didn’t feel the same way, I wanted to walk away from our relationship, I didn’t see the point in being with someone who didn’t want the level of commitment I wanted.  He didn’t hesitate to say that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but marriage was a long way away. This was totally fine with me, I wanted to graduate from college, get a better job, and be on our own (we lived with his dad) before we got married.  Just knowing we had the commitment was good enough for me, and I never got the itch before he proposed when I was 23 (almost 24). We ended up having a 2 year engagement because I wanted to be finished or almost finished school, and we started looking for houses. 

I guess that was kinda long, but my point is, if you’ve been together for a significant amount of time, and he still doesn’t want to commit, he may not ever.  NOt saying he won’t, but there’s got to be a reason why we won’t…

Post # 11
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

I am waiting as well and I am all to familiar with the cycles of waiting. It gets to be so frustrating and overwhelming at times. The worst is the inability to have control over such a huge aspect of your relationship. So often us ladies are the ones who plan and execute everything in our relationship and when he is the one who is in charge of that next big step it becomes almost maddening to wait for him to “be ready.”

I will say that it does not sit well with me to hear how often he tells you he needs to “be sure.” Have you asked him what reservations he has or what these things are that he seems to be unsure of. After years together he should know whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and if he does want to then the two of you need to actively be working towards that together. What ever he is so unsure of is either so big he isn’t actually ready to marry you or is small enough where the two of you could work on it while engaged. Maybe he’s more commitment phobic then he leads on.

I think a frank conversation about what he is really thinking without bullshitting you is in order. Setting ultimatums without them being met sets a bad example for both sides. If his ultimatum is for July then he needs to stick to that and the two of you need to be prepared to reevaluate your situation if he does not propose by then. You should not be made to feel so emotionally vulnerable without him having to pony up on the other side of it.

Post # 13
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

@LoveMyDogs: I am sorry you are having to go through this…

You have gotten a ton of good advice, so I won’t rehash what has already been stated, but I think that maybe he is scared. Have you asked him if he is? If he is scared, and you can find out why, both of you might be able to work together to get rid of whatever it is that is scaring him about making a full commitment.

Post # 14
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you’ve hit a rough patch. But I have to agree with the other posters – if he picked July, I’d give him July. I know it seems forever away. But if he sticks to his guns and makes it July I’m sure the time you waited will feel like nothing. And I completely hear you when you say engagements and marriage is popping up all over the place. It’s like a full force engagement hurricane out there. The more I’ve tried to avoid it, the more it’s popped up around me as well. 

Hope you feel better soon! 

Post # 15
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m right there with you too. If he has given you his timeline of July, you should trust him and be patient!!! BUT, I KNOW IT’S HARD!!! Be patient now and you can be truly upset when he didn’t meet the timeline… (but I know it’s hard…)

Post # 16
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

I hope he does it in July! Rooting for you!!!

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