- 8 years ago
Couldn’t help it.
I’ve been pretty good about the whole waiting thing the last couple of months, after having a major outburst in Jan b/c he said, “yes, I know you’re the one” on NYE but then reverted to his “maybe…just wanna be sure” routine a few weeks later. Frankly, I’ve been so busy at work that I haven’t had time to stress over it. But yesterday, I had so many reminders right in my face that I just couldn’t keep it in.
We woke up yesterday AM and everything was fine. I go to check Facebook. The day before, two of my (significantly younger) friends had posted their engagements on Facebook. Then yesterday, another close friend posted that she had found THE dress. And several of my (younger) friends are posting about how their kids are having their 1st, 2nd, 3rd birthdays. And then my SO (who has been all into watching old Family Ties reruns lately) turned on a rerun, and it’s about how two people in an old folks home just couldn’t help but want to be married to each other and spend the rest of their lives together b/c life is short and you have to grab up what you want. And then I had to make some plans for my future SIL’s bachelorette party.
I just couldn’t take it anymore. I burst into tears. He was like “What! We were having a perfectly nice Sun AM, and now all of a sudden you’re crying? What do you want me to do, screen shows before we watch them???”.
I said no, it wasn’t that. It was that everyone else seems to be moving forward with their lives, and I feel just stuck. Our closest friends recently announced their pregnancy with their first baby. People are getting engaged, picking out their wedding dresses, and getting married, starting families all around me. Everyone else seems to “get it” — that when you date someone, and you’ve found the person that you want to be with, you grab them up, you move forward with life… you get married… you start your lives together. It’s not that I am “jealous” about those other people — they have their own timelines for their own reasons. For me, it’s more frustration and confusion about why every other man but mine seems to just “get it” about how life works — and why my man seems so oblivious about these natural progressions of life (especially since we’re from the traditional south).
I said I have been trying to be patient with him to give him ALL the time he needs to make his decision. And that most people would have nipped this $h!t in the bud years ago. And he agreed that I’d been patient. But I said that just b/c I’m being patient doesn’t mean I’m happy about it. I told him that there are reminders all around me… we can’t watch a movie or a tv show, I can’t call a friend, I can’t go to work without having some reminder shoved in my face about how everyone seems to “get it” but my SO. I said that, just because I’m not talking about it every second (and consequently he’s not thinking about it), doesn’t mean it’s not in my head and in my face all the time… It’s constantly on my mind, whether he’s thinking about it or not.
He said, “well it’s not that I DON’T want to be with you or that I DON’T love you. It’s just that I just want to make sure.” I said, I know that, but that’s the point. It is HURTFUL to say, “I love you so much to the point that I know I want to spend me life with you” and to hear in response “I love you, but not to the point that I’m totally sure about you yet.” (that’s not what he says, but it’s what I hear) (As an aside, after much communication for years on this subject, he understands why I am ready to get married…the only thing he doesn’t really understand is why it is HURTFUL to me that he isn’t ready.)
I said that I am trying to be patient with him to give him the time he needs, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, that it doesn’t make me sad. I said that I’m trying to be patient, but he just has to understand that I have emotions about it…I’m allowed to be sad about it. And it just got to be so much that I couldn’t keep it in anymore and started to cry about it.
The point I tried to make with him, ultimately, is that just b/c I”m not talking about it (and yes, we do talk about it quite a bit, even if it’s just jokes in passing), doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about it and not sad over it. He may never think about it (unless we’re talking about it), but just b/c it’s in his head doesn’t mean it’s not in mine. It makes me sad….a lot… and if he wants me to be patient and give him all the time he needs, then he’s just going to have to accept the fact that I’m going to have feelings about it.
I don’t think he learned anything from it. I think he thinks I’m just being crazy.
But that being said, it really is ironic that we can’t seem to watch anything without marriage/engagement/wedding/love coming up. And all I have to do is look at him, and he’s like “man, I can’t get away from it….” Last night, we watched MegaMind, a seemingly helpless cartoon, which, it turns out, is all about this guy’s undying love for a news reporter. And then we flipped the channel to Star Wars…and the scene where Anakin and Padme get married.
Are you serious, Clark?
Disclaimer: Yes, we’ve communicated at length about this. Yes, he has set his own “ultimatum” for July (after I set and withdrew a March ultimatum). I’m still trying to “negotiate” for May though. But I did tell him that I didn’t want to get to March with no progress. And that’s one thing that set me off. Here we are at March…with no progress.