(Closed) Just to vent-The Guest List!!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s frustrating.  Who is paying for the wedding? 

I would have your Fiance explain the situation to her – it sounds like she’s completely unaware that his friends already got pushed to the B list.  From there, just have him explain that you’ll invite who you can but that there are others you’d like invited before her B list.  She won’t know if nobody tells her.

Post # 4
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

B lists offend people because they will find out they were invited as “second class” guests when they get invites much later than everyone else.

Post # 5
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Our guest list was out of control for a while. At first Fiance and I had a B-list, then we took everyone off our B-list and cut people from our first list too. We were so worried that FI’s parents would invite over 100 people. If they did, we would have eloped so we wouldn’t go broke. Thank god they didn’t

The guest list is the hardest part of the wedding planning.

Post # 6
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would sit down with her and explain that her side already has 10 more people than your side and that her son bumped some people from his list to accomodate her.  Tell her to rank her b-list by order of most importance and tell her that the groups of couples that cannot be separated will most likely not make the cut.  If you don’t tell her the obstacles you are facing, you cannot expect her to be respectful of your situation. 

Also – and i am not sure if this applies given your situation/venue/etc – but you could explain to her that the budget covers a certain amount of people and that if she would like to invite more, she can – provided that she covers the cost of those additional guests (make sure to include all costs for guests: dinner, drinks, extra center piece costs if additional table is added, escort cards, favors, invites, etc – adding a guest is more costly then just the price of the dinner when you consider all the factors).

Post # 7
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have had these issues.  Its hard to deal with. Just make sure that you and Fiance have who YOU want there (friends and family). My Future Mother-In-Law went from wanting to add some people to assuming that it would be an open wedding and everyone could come. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This happened to me… we told my husband’s parents to make a list of 100 (and the same for my parents). I had already factored in that about 25% wouldn’t come, and we wanted about 150 people at the wedding TOTAL. Our venue only held a max of about 175. My inlaws came back without about 105, so my husband cut a few of his college friends.

My inlaws thought the 100 number meant that they could have up to 100 people THERE, so they made a B list of about 30 (ranked in order of who to invite first) without even mentioning that they were going to. My husband had to tell them that there couldn’t be a B list because we NEEDED some people to RSVP no so we could fit in the venue comfortably.

They weren’t okay with not inviting those people at all, so they started making plans for a “wedding celebration” that they would host right after we got back from our honeymoon (a backyard barbecue type of thing) that they could invite whoever they wanted to. This bothered me a LOT but I didn’t say anything.

In the end, it never happened. They’re busy people, and although it seemed really important to them at the time, I guess it wasn’t important enough to actually plan the big party. They mentioned it a few times after the wedding and I was always like “yeah we’ll show up if y’all plan the thing!” but it never happened. 

I LOVE my inlaws… they’re sweet, welcoming people, but that time was definitely tough!

Post # 9
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with a p/p that it does matter who is paying.  This is why my Darling Husband and I paid for the entire event so we could maintain control. Hopefully if your family or you and your Fiance are paying, you can manage control with more authority.

We explained how many they could invite and they were not allowed a B list.  They gave us a huge list.  We went back and explained that while I understand they want to invite great aunt sally who no one has seen in 20 years, I havent even been able to invite all of MY family since mine is so large. We talked through their list together and cut several off of the list.

They eventually backed off.  Occasionally they’d ask about adding in folks and we’d remind them that any extra spots are going to my family.

Post # 10
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I told my family that I wanted it to be friends and family only because my wedding is a really personal thing to me.  I would feel awkward on my wedding day with my mom’s coworkers and their families and my grandmother’s 10 friends, so I was honest about it.  My grandmother went from practically paying for the entire wedding, planning things and being excited to almost disowning me, cancelling the catering, flowers, venues, etc, and accusing me of having ‘no class.’  My fiancee are going into some pretty crappy debt but I feel SO much better about this no-strings-attached planning where I don’t get guilted for wanting what I want for my own wedding day.  I even made the date during spring break to accomodate the few people in my family who have to work with a school schedule and everyone is still bitching about how they ahve to take time off.  I don’t even want to have the wedding in my hometown (Vegas) but I was guilted into doing that too.  3 1/2 months until the wedding and I am DONE giving in!  

 

My advice is to stick to your guns.  If they are paying, come up with a compromise, but don’t just give in to everything.  It sets a terrible precedent that people tend to take advantage of.

Post # 11
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@djminou: Good for you!! 🙂 I also want my wedding to be personal. I really don’t to have to worry about being introduced to people I will probably never see again at my wedding! I want to have fun with my new husband and our close family/friends. I hope to find a compromise with everyone soon!

Post # 12
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I found out my Future Mother-In-Law has told people that they’re invited to the wedding, and they barely made my B list. 

I’m so sick of the guest list already…

Good luck figuring yours out!

Post # 13
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I totally feel you.  I finally pinned down my parents over Thanksgiving for the guest list and ended at 300 people.  They were like “We should totally invite another 75 people, because I’m sure some people won’t make it.”  I don’t even have addresses for their guests yet!

Post # 14
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@sarahjc0015: Yep. I don’t want my mom to bring people only SHE knows because then she’ll feel obligated to entertain them all night (I know my mom) and I’ll miss out on having my mom there in full force.  Same goes with my grandmother and her inviting all of her friends.  I tried explaining this but my grandmother still told me I was being selfish and inappropriate.  At first, she made me feel really bad and I lost a lot of sleep over it.  But now, I’m glad I made that boundary.  I feel like I saved myself a lot of headache.  Just try to stress how important it is for your wedding to be something shared with close friends and loved ones.  It’s TOTALLY OKAY to be ‘selfish’ on your wedding day.  It’s YOUR wedding.

Post # 15
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@djminou: Im worried my Future Mother-In-Law will expect ME to go around and entertain people she invites all night! Ugh…we already found out she thinks (and is telling people) its an OPEN wedding. No way! We told her it def. wasnt and she looked so suprised. Eloping with our close friends/family is looking tempting. Fiance already told his mom that it was our wedding and she has already had hers before! I’m hoping they will get over it and understand our reasoning.

Post # 16
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Its nice to know Im not the only one with these issues over the guest list!!! 🙂

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