Post # 1
So, for those of you who don’t know, I was engaged once to an Army guy. It was an awful relationship and made even worse by his PTSD and a year ago he wound up killing himself. I didn’t find out until a week before my birthday (2 weeks after the fact) and so I have a lot of guilt the way things ended between us. I don’t still love him or anything like that but like I said, I hate that he died and things weren’t reconciled.
Anyway, his family has invited me to a memorial for him on the anniversary of his death – Nov. 28. I found some stuff that he gave me and a few pics. I printed out a certificate of a star that he gave me and hubby saw it last night and got pissed. I am shocked. He has always understood how I felt and how I need to go see his grave and things like that. But this is completely irrational! How can he be so jealous of someone who is dead? I have told him that I have no feelings for him other than guilt and he claims to understand but this is breaking my heart. He and I haven’t even spoken since last night.
The twisted part is that he has a BOX, I repeat, BOX of his old girlfriend’s stuff in our lower cabinet. I have asked him repeatedly to get rid of it and he still hasn’t. He claims he doesn’t open it so it doesn’t matter. He can have a whole box of memories of an ex but I can’t honor my dead ex. How is this fair or right? How can he think this is fair?
I guess I just came to vent. It hurts – a lot. I just can’t believe that this is someone I married. Someone I love just can’t … get it! Idk, I’m very confused right now.
Post # 3
Well it’s simply not fair. It’s a complete double standard. When someone was a part of your life for however long, it’s unrealistic to think that you would feel nothing after the person’s death, no matter how badly things ended. Closure is very important in reconciling a loss and moving on. It doesn’t mean you’re still in love or that you view your ex as a saint because he has died, it means you’re coming to terms with the fact that someone who played a big part in your life is gone.
The fact that your husband is trying to deny you this while keeping his ex’s stuff around is not ok. Marriage is about compromise and understanding. Is this out of character for him, or does he do this a lot?
Post # 4
I agree with KatyElle, this is a total double standard and quite honestly very immature behavior.
Is he willing to sit down and talk this out with you?
Post # 5
@KatyElle: This is completely out of character. I think thats mostly why its catching me off guard.
@Evie19: Idk, he tried to kiss and makeup last night and I told him he was out of his fucking mind to think that a kiss makes everything better. Haven’t talked since.
Post # 6
@missshayona: Maybe when some of the initial anger wears off you can sit down tonight and have a civil conversation…sometimes irrational emotions kick logic to the curb.
Post # 7
So I think the next step is to have the serious sit down. The box issue would drive me up a wall, and that needs to be addressed before you even start getting into why you need to pay respects on the 28th.
Post # 8
@KatyElle: you said it best, I agree