(Closed) Just waited too long?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

We were the last as well.  It totally sucks, to be honest.  I felt like no one cared at all about our wedding.  Especially  when 3 babies were born in our immediate family less than a year before our wedding.  Honeslty though, these people should not have agreed to be part of your day if they feel like they can no longer committ.  They don’t sound like great friends to be honest.  Obviously its hard raising kids, but they certainly shouldn’t take over your life!  But the bridesmaid who doesn’t want to go to the rehearsal dinner sounds the worst!  Thats part of her "job"….so too bad!  I have always put forth all my effort for other people’s "moments", no matter what is going on in my life, so I was a little upset that the same was not done for me.  But they definitely did the things they had to do, like show up!

Post # 5
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’ll be 30 when I get married and our friends are in two age groups: early 30s (my friends) and mid-late 30s (his friends).  And yes, all these friends got married younger, bought houses, and now have kids, most of them under 3yrs old. 

I don’t really know what to say about it.  It makes me angry that while we barely had enough salary to pay our rent we still went to all of their weddings, dished out $$ for travel, hotels, showers, bachelorettes, etc.  Like you we are also offering babysitting at our wedding (which we are paying for ourselves by the way, unlike all of our friends) so hopefully they will take advantage of this opportunity.

I understand and agree that children should be a parents first priority–but that doesn’t mean they can ignore or cast aside their friendships.  Rather, I really think when you have kids is when you also have to make an extra effort to maintain your friendships.  I guess there is nothing to do but just give a gentle reminder every now and then that you really would like to spend some quality time, without the kids.  Hopefully they get the hint.

Post # 6
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

you are with times girl, it’s just a different time than your friends. not better, not worse, your just different. embrace it, this is where you are.

Im 32 too, and let me tell ya something, I am soo glad I waited as long as I did. I actually know who I am and who I’m marrying, unlike my girlfriends who married in their early 20’s and are in exhausted relationships on the brink of misery because they didn’t get to experience life on their own.

It’s a bummer to hear that your friends find such an exciting event in YOUR LIFE as more of a chore than a time to celebrate YOU. My ladies of honor have kids, as do most of my guests and at first I was trying to work out how to have all the kids there, only to find out that most my guests are really looking forward to coming to the wedding WITHOUT THE CHILDREN because it’s the first time they can have a grownup/romance experience without diapers and sippee cups.

Don’t let your friends lameness dampen this wonderful day for you. I really think you need to talk to your close girlfriends one on one as it sounds like you are not getting the support that one should. Tell them how it makes you feel when they tell you that your wedding is not something they’ll have time for. We all have life stuff, wether it’s kids, running a business, whatever, but friends need to be there to support each other during big milestones in their lives, and that is exactly what the ritual of marriage is.

Post # 7
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Well I am younger than you but my husband is your age and most of our friends are closer to him in age. Two friends have their due dates right around our wedding and some will have small children/todler to bring.

I don’tthink you missed the boat, it’s just that some people choose to take it earlier.

I think you should be straigh forward with your friends, especially those who have a secial role in your ceremony. Remind them that sure you didn’t have kids when they got married; but you were there and you are doing your best for the kids to be there. Try to listen to their concern but also to discuss options and solutions that could work out for them.

 In any case good luck. And it’s best to wait for the boat and to take the right one.

Post # 8
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I would focus on the fact that you found the love of your life, regardless of your age.  I really feel that weddings really bring out the best AND worst of everyone else (family, friends, guests).  You should let go of the fact that your friends are in different stages and hopefully they will come around for you. Unfortunately, you just can’t expect to know what they’ll do.  Lots of luck but please remember it’s your day too and you should be surrounded by people who WANT to focus on you and share in your happiness! 🙂

Post # 9
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

We’re in somewhat the same boat (I’m 33 and fiance is 37) and we’re just making sure that everything is family friendly.  We’re having family friendly activities for the rehearsal dinner, a kids room during the reception, and having the wedding and ceremony at a ranch where everyone will be staying (no driving).  We’re also losing a lot of friends due to projected delivery dates/new babies, etc., but I think that’s just par for the course when you have friends of child-bearing age.  

I think when we’re in our 20s we all see weddings as huge gigantic deals and so people go out of their way to help and participate and get excited.  As we get older, people are still excited, but realize that it’s more about the marriage than the wedding itself.  I know that all my friends (and myself) are a lot less excited about flower colors, paper styles, etc. than we would have been 10 years ago. And that’s totally cool, because at this stage in my life I find it a bit superficial.  I think that general sentiment (maybe not shared by everyone), coupled with their own family concerns, probably makes people just not be as excited as you are or as excited as you’d wish they would be.   I’m sure they are thrilled that you are getting married, but may just not feel that it’s as important/necessary for them to participate in it to the extent you want. 

 Your Bridesmaid or Best Man should definitely suck it up and go to the rehearsal dinner though, unless she has a really good excuse.  That just doesn’t seem to make sense.

 good luck.  

Post # 10
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’m in a different situation, I feel maybe I’m too young (almost 24, fiance is 28). 

 

  I don’t think there is ever a right time to get married… and no, you did not miss the boat.  You enjoyed life as an unmarried couple or as a single person.  You know who you are, and the things you want.  I envy you slightly (I wish I would have met my fiance a little later in life, I know he’s the one though).  

 

  I think every bride encounters these problems.  My sister is my Maid/Matron of Honor and 21… she has her own issues to deal with.  My cousin’s all have young children (adult only wedding)- so we are encountering problems with that.  

 

   Take it all in and enjoy your time, you are not too old… You waited until you knew it was right (I’m sure you could have married prior.. but you didn’t settle.  You should be proud of that)

Post # 11
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I’m in the same boat that the friends don’t sound like great friends. It’s all great and fine and wonderful their life is changing and family is growing but they made a commitment to be in your wedding, and that is something that should be taken into consideration byt them and honored..

I would think that a mass email possibly (or several individual ones depending on the crowd), explaining how you feel "last in line" is in order. Explain sweetly that while they all had their days and were no doubt supported whole heartedly by those around them and now this is your day. You’re only expecting of them what they expected of the people participating in their day. It’s unfair to make you feel unimportant, even unintentionally and maybe they don’t realize….

You sound like you have been overly accomodating and gracious to them and I think it’s time you laid it out there hunny. You’re day shouldn’t be less of anything just because of your age (which isn’t old!) and because you may be the last of your friends to get married.  You don’t have to me mean or rude, but I think you really should talk to them. The issue isn’t when you chose to got married, it’s how those around you are choosing to treat it – which is poorly.

Post # 12
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m 36 and I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world.  Best of all, I held out for everything that I knew to be right in a man and I found it!

Yeah, both of my sisters have kids, but that gives me flower girls, ring bearers etc.

We’re having the wedding on 160 acres in the forest with camping and lodging right there… so no need for travel, and can put the kids to bed while we still celebrate.

The thing is, life is what it is… We all made choices that make us unique. I broke the bank buying tons of wedding presents in my 20’s.  We didn’t have any money in those days.  Now everyone is more established and we can all celebrate in style.

My kids will have great older cousins.

I’m just happy to have had such a great guy come into my life.  There is no *right* time to do anything! I hope things go better for you!

Post # 13
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

I can relate, even though I’m 28, but a lot of my friends married young.  I wouldn’t send an email, but maybe you can somehow reminisce about their weddings, highlighting your involvement.

 It is frustrating when you are the single gal, and your friends think they get the attn for getting married.  Then, when it is your turn, they think they deserve the attn for being new mommies.  Honestly, I think some of that is natural.  When I see this, I just take mental note.  I can’t control anyone else, so I just remember for myself to not turn into ‘that bride’ or ‘that mom’, etc. when I get there.  (For me, this started back when my friends dated before me (I was 5’10" in 9th grade, LOL, no boys asked me out), and they quickly ditched their girl friends.  I vowed never to do that, but it’s been a struggle as friends keep fading away with their other rel’nships.)

Hopefully you can find a happy middle ground.  Good luck! 

Post # 14
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Hi, I’m 28, my fiance is 37, and I know how you feel.  Very few of our friends are making the trip (It’s expensive to travel and stay in my hometown where we’re having the wedding).  However, we’re treating the wedding as more of a celebration of our relationship than this huge change in our lives.  I think people appreciate a more mature view of life, a more realistic approach, when you’re older.  We understand that not everyone who is important to us is able to attend, and although they will be missed, we’re not 21 anymore, this is the most important day of our lives, and we’re just thankful for those people who will be able to share it with us.

Post # 16
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I am so glad you posted this, mbm4.  I am getting married for the first time at the ripe old age of 40 (!) and while I wouldn’t change a thing about my life leading up to this point, I do feel somewhat slighted.  To my bridesmaids, this is old hat and they have busy lives with children, law school and what have you.  My Maid/Matron of Honor has yet to ask what she can do to help and certainly hasn’t jumped on any plans for a bachelorette party.  My Fiance parents will probably not be able to come to the wedding because they are older, not in the best health and don’t fly.  That’s hard for me to digest, honestly, and I hate it for my Fiance.  I agree with Betty, I have an appreciation for marriage and our weddding that I wouldn’t have had at a much younger age and I’m happy for that.  On one hand, I feel silly doing some things like registering for china and silver when I long ago established a household, but on the other, I want to have the dream wedding with all that stuff.  I don’t know, I find it hard yet fun and challenging trying to strike a balance between the two.  I am so excited for our wedding but more than it being "our day" I am excited to see friends and family that are coming from all over the country. 

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