(Closed) just wanted to draw upon some bee wisdom :)

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

And you know, for all us married or almost-married folks, there is some excellent advice here. The best marriages are made up of two whole, interesting, confident people with their own interests and hobbies (which sometimes overlap, of course). No one else but you, not even the most loving husband in the world, can make you happy. So go on and find things that make you happy and then get out there and do them.

Post # 19
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Okay, I am going to throw this out there knowing it is a rather wacky idea…but here goes.

Try taking a trip that involves some form of physical exertion in the outdoors.  And do it alone.  I don’t know how you feel about camping, etc, but I did a 4 day camping/whitewater rafting trip several years ago.  It was scary taking this trip by myself, but we had a great group of people on the trip.  I had sooo much fun and it was invigorating to challenge myself physically (paddling a little inflatable canoe through rapids is tough!) and socially (spending four days with the same 15 people).  It helped me boost my sense of independence and confidence that I really could handle the stuff that life throws at you.

Good luck and you should definitely know that you WILL find the right person, and it doesn’t have to happen now.

Post # 20
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Everything you feel is completely normal!  You are right, though, you need time to be independent on your own for awhile.  Learn to love to be alone.  Learn to love your own company.  It will help you pick a healthier relationship when you are ready to date!

Post # 22
Member
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Jades…. things happen for a reason and you need to experience all of it to mature and grow as a person.  my advice to my single friends is when you are not looking for it, most times it ends up standing right in front of you and hits you over the head – you just have to let go enough to enjoy the now. ive always thought you have to be happy with yourself to attact the right person to share your life with so sending hugs because a breakup & after effects, even if you know its for the right reasons is still tough

btw, dont diss the not so desirable college guys yet…. even Bill Gates was a woeful geek in his uni days ๐Ÿ™‚

 

 

Post # 23
Member
898 posts
Busy bee

jadedragon – I, too, have always been very dependent upon others for my happiness. Even now, I’m still that way. It’s just my personality, but I’ve been trying very hard these past few years to overcome it. In college, I got engaged to a man and we were together for 3 years. I thought that was IT! But then I started to realize how much “Me” I lost in that relationship. Now that I’m engaged again, it’s a daily struggle not to lose myself again.

I’ve networked at my job, joined the employee kickball league, and have started doing things for myself. Even when Fiance gets upset that I’m involved in other things, I know that I’m happier when I have  my own interests.

Don’t worry, you’re not being ridiculous at all. Everyone goes through those times when you think you’ll never find love again. Love finds YOU again. Take all of the bees’ advice and spend some time finding YOU.

Post # 24
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Your college probably has an experimental college where you can take a night course in art, photography, dance or something else that might interest you.   Also, your college probably has an outdoor service.  Ours used to put together trips that you could take with other students that you’d probably otherwise never meet.

You could take a sailing class, rock climbing class, a group hiking trip or a whitewater rafting trip– all are excellent ways to have fun (and meet people, btw).

There are tons of opportunities out there.  You just have to decide which ones are right for you!

Post # 27
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010 - Carlouel Yacht Club

jadedragon – Seriously, try not to fret about not ever meeting “the one!” It will happen when it should. I only was in one serious relationship throughout college, and it didn’t last all that long (a little under a year). So, for the most part, I was single throughout, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. College is a great time for you to realize who you are as an individual, and to gain a sense of independence. I know that it seems so natural to rely on someone for things, once you get used to doing them on your own, you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish, and how much you don’t “need” to have a guy around to complete you.

I had a friend through college who was the serial girlfriend…she would line up a new boyfriend before she broke up with the current one, because she couldn’t stand being alone. Then one day, her boyfriend dumped her out of the blue, and she literally did not know what to do with herself. But, she is a strong and intelligent woman, and she quickly figured out that she only needed to depend on herself…and from that point on she has been just great about being single (for now at least!). She does things for herself now! I’m so proud.

In the end, I always think of it this way: your significant other shouldn’t be filling in a missing part of you/completing you, they should be ENHANCING your wonderful qualities and making you even better.

I didn’t meet my fiance until a year and a half out of college. And seriously, it can happen when you least expect it. We met at the beach when we were walking our dogs…completely random encounter, but it turned into a future for the two of us. The world works in mysterious ways sometimes, and you just have to have faith that there will be someone out there for you…even though you might not know when/where!

Post # 28
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

I found that I found the people who I enjoy their company the most when I was least looking for it. When you get back to college, go out and enjoy yourself. Stop focusing on finding “the one” and focus on finding yourself! You said that you aren’t in many clubs other than the ones that pertain either to your major or your ethnic group. What some others said above is that there are classes and clubs out there that bring some very random people together to learn some things they would have otherwise never tried. Are you athletic at all? Try intramurals! Don’t only meet guys, but make some new girlfriends that you can hang out with who don’t have boyfriends that they spend all of their time with. That’s not to say you have to ditch your friends who do have boyfriends, but defintiely figure out what it is you like to do and try new things. When you’re engrossed in one of those things, that’s when you’ll find someone!

Post # 29
Member
3331 posts
Sugar bee

Wow, this is a great thread.  I’m so impressed with some of the advice from the PP.  What a bunch of intelligent, thoughtful people we have here in the Hive!

I definitely second Oracle’s advice about not comparing yourself to others and their journeys through life.  You can drive yourself crazy if you spend your life comparing yourself to your friends/family.  We all take different paths in our lives and experience different things at different times.  It’s easier said than done, but you’re better off just living your life as it comes, rather than worrying about external time tables (like “I should be married by time I’m x-age”.  All that does is put pressure on you and stress you out more!

You’re young and you can spend your time at college really figuring out what you want out of life and making friends.  It’s hard to put yourself out there and meet new people, but I think it’s also really rewarding.  I think it’s smart to try as many new things as you can–talk to people who live in your dorm/apartment complex, take some elective classes in a totally different field, check out a club/IM sport/hobby.  I can tell you that once you get out of college, it can be a lot harder to meet new friends/potential BFs.  I know my friends who are single in their 30’s find it more challenging than when we were all in college with a new group of people each school year.

FWIW, I met my husband when I was 18 years old at college freshman orientation.  I should say that I met and became friends with him then, as we didn’t start dating until almost *9* years later.  I can honestly say that I didn’t have a romantic interest in him when we met (although I thought he was cute) because we were very different people.  Neither of us really knew what we wanted out of life and we both needed time to figure that out.  I need to spend time in other relationships and, yes, by myself, in order to figure out who *I* was and what I wanted in my life AND in a partner.  We both dated other people, while maintaining our friendship.  Eventually, as we became more established as individuals in our lives and careers, we kept getting closer and closer.  Eventually, that friendship grew into love and long story short (too late), we got married in May.

I guess the moral of the story is that I think no one can fully know exactly what his/her life will bring every step of the way.  IME, you have to really reflect on what you want and be okay with yourself as an individual before you can be ready to be in a relationship/marriage.  Personally, I don’t like it when people say marriage is a 50/50 compromise or “he/she’s my ‘other half'”.  I view marriage as a complete partnership where both people give 100% of their best effort to make it work.

Give yourself time, have fun, make friends and take things as they come.  You sound like a smart, together person! ๐Ÿ™‚

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