Keep working at our relationship?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

If everything about your sexual history is now out in the open, what is it you’re currently fighting about so regularly? Are these fights entirely the result of HIM not trusting you? That sounds like HE might need to work on some things; you may be bearing too much of the guilt and burden here. 

If you REALLY feel like you’ve gone through too much in a YEAR AND A HALF for a “playful and intimate relationship” to be at all possible, then you have to let the relationship go. On the other hand, you might just be feeling hopeless and beating yourself up too much about it.

If his trust is broken, then you can’t really rebuild it just by telling him that you’re sorry. You have to change your behavior, which means being consistently honest about things going on in your life and in your head. If he STILL can’t get over it, then like I said–HE really has the problem here. 

Post # 3
Member
2218 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Sonetimes you do have to put work into relationships. Sometimes there are issues that need working out. However, those times are usually the minority of the relationship, not the majority as seems to be the case here. You admit you’ve never been on the right track, in 1.5 years. If you’ve never been on the right track, how will you know when you get to it? I believe a relationship should have more good days than bad days, have more carefree days than days that require work. Also, 1.5 years could still be argued as the honeymoon period and yet you aren’t happy. You should work at a relationship but it shouldn’t constantly feel like an uphill battle.

Two people can care for each other very much but it doesn’t always mean that relationship can work out.

Post # 4
Member
240 posts
Helper bee

When did you come clean? (Or how long has it been since you told him the truth/started opening up/started working on trusting each other again?) How invested are you in making this work? Honestly, I don’t think anyone but you two can decide whether to continue on or not.

Post # 5
Member
3474 posts
Sugar bee

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livelaughlove86 :  Two things caught my attention: why would he ask about your past sexual history? Why even be so specific about coworkers? That is definitely none of his business; it is information that is either given voluntarily without being asked, or not broached at all.

Second: “he wants to come home to peace and a playful intimate relationship”. So, he wants a a Stepford wife? A 24/7 chirpy woman with no right to a terrible day, no right to be disgruntled?

From what you’ve posted, it doesn’t seem to be worth it at all.

Post # 6
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee

So I completely agree that a relationship should start off honestly but in this case, I actually think your boyfriend is manipulating the situation.

Why was it any of his business when you had last slept with someone or whether you had slept with a co-worker? As long as you respected the boundaries of your relationship once you were in it, anything prior to that is frankly none of his business. To claim that his trust was ‘betrayed’ is a little extreme – to be making a big deal out of this for one and a half years is ridiculous. Regardless of when you told the truth, you have been together for a short enough time that if this is a huge deal for him, you can just break up and have not invested too much time together. On the flip side, if this is not a big enough deal to break up over, then 1.5 years later is way too long to still be making a fuss – he needs to get over it. Honestly, it sounds like he just wants to punish you indefinitely.

Which brings me to my second thought, which is that the language you are using is a bit concerning. What exactly do you mean by his “lack of patience”? To read that you “struggle to relax” sounds like you are walking on tenterhooks in this relationship. Do you realize you contradicted yourself:  you say he has been “so patient” with you but by his own admission (per your OP) he is more impatient with you than other people. Which, by the way, is very messed up – as his partner you should be getting the best of his behavior, not the worst.

Who made you realize you had hurts you had never dealt with? Who told you that you were “broken” from having dated a lot in the past? What “obstacles”, other than these lies, have you faced in your relationship that require putting in a lot of effort? And what kind of effort do you put in? How about your boyfriend? What makes it so hard for your home environment to be peaceful, playful and intimate? Just these almost 2 year old lies, or other stuff?

I may be reading too much into things but it sounds like you may have an unhealthy relationship dynamic, where you are constantly in the wrong. Even if I have completely read the situation wrong, you should not need “strength” to “withstand” your relationship to this extent, particularly not this early. 

I do think this is too much and you would both be happier apart. Good luck Bee

Post # 7
Member
1168 posts
Bumble bee

He says you broke trust because you didn’t feel like disclosing parts of your sexual history that aren’t any of his business anyway?  I think he sounds super controlling and like he’s looking for things to be upset with to try to mentally break you down so that he can take a dominant position in your relationship and that’s not at all what a relationship is supposed to be.  

You’ve also only been together for a year and half.  Though arguments happen, this constant low feeling that you’re describing shouldn’t.  I think you need to speak with him and be very direct and unwavering in how his behavior manifests in you.  Don’t let him tell you that you “broke trust” because that’s complete bullshit.  If he wants to salvage the relationship, he can work at it instead of beating you down mentally.  Put the ball in his court and then react accordinly based on his response and actions afterward.

Post # 8
Member
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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livelaughlove86 :  I think it’s a red flag that he kept asking you about who you had sex with before him. I really don’t like that. It tells me that he’s got insecurity and possessiveness issues. Who gives a shit who you slept with before you met him? 

I can relate to this because my ex was also extremely obsessed with my romantic history, and it used to cause a lot of tension. We met through playing in an adult kickball league, and very early on he asked me if I ever hooked up with anyone else in the league. Well, there was one dude I made out with once kinda drunkenly at the bar after a game like six months before I even met my ex….that was literally it, didn’t even exchange numbers and it certainly never happened again. But my ex was so intense when he’d grill me about my history that I just lied to him about it and said he was the first guy I’d hooked up with. I got the feeling that if I told him the truth, that I’d kissed another dude we played with, he’d dump me. He would also slut shame me for having slept with “too many people” before him, because we told each other our “number” and mine seemed “too high” given I’d only had one serious relationship before him. Never mind that his number was actually higher than mine and he was younger and also had only had one serious relationship…that somehow was totally fine, but I was apparently super promiscuous and always felt like I had to apologize for my past.

Anyway…I guess you shouldn’t have lied to him, but he also shouldn’t have demanded info about that. The fact that this issue is still causing all this tension in your relationship is a really bad sign. Like you’re literally in a bad place because of the fact that there were other men before your current SO…that just shouldn’t be a thing in a stable, emotionally mature relationship. 

Post # 9
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

He sounds very much like my emotionally abusive ex. I’d get out.

Post # 10
Member
2428 posts
Buzzing bee

I also think that being required to respond to a quiz is an enormous massive red flag. It also sound from your OP that you are willing to criticize yourself for somehow being less valuable to him than he is to you, and truthfully, I can’t see anything in what you’ve said that should make you feel that way.

If both parties wholeheartedly embrace the idea of honestly exploring their relationship in a mutually beneficial way, wonderful things can happen.

If you are comfortably certain that he can and will do this, proceed lovingly but cautiously, but if you aren’t secure enough to think the best of yourself as opposed to his value to you, maybe think some more.

Post # 13
Member
7573 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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livelaughlove86 :  “However, the things that people get tested for are the things that rarely happen.”

Uh, this is not true. I have several friends who have had chlamydia and gonorrhea – it is not uncommon. Really surprised that you are using your background as a nurse practitioner to justify NOT being tested for STDs…that’s one I haven’t heard before! 

Honestly the fact that this is about STDs changes my whole view on this, so disregard my previous post. You should absolutely be honest with a new partner about anything STD-related, including testing and your potential exposure. While it’s true that standard STD panels don’t test for HPV and herpes, they still test for plenty of things that are very common. Neve rin my life have I heard a medical practitioner say “oh no worries about getting tested if you had unprotected sex, these tests are only for really obscure diseases that no one gets!” – that’s not a thing.

Post # 14
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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claroquesi :  +1  THIS exactly. His insecure ‘quizzes’ are red flags of an insecure and controlling partner. And that line about wanting peace and a playful, intimate relationship….Stepford Wives was exactly my thoughts. 

OP, he may claim he just wants to know if you’ve had unprotected sex- but that is one question. He has multiple questions and wants to know specifics- and the co-worker question is just plain weird. IMO he’s trying to repackage his jealous nosiness as medical concern so he can sell it to you as a legit need to know. 

I’m not condoning lying, but neither am I condoning the kind of partner who is constantly subjecting you to endless insecure questions and judging you so that, while not justifying lying, does make it understandable that you would.

And his demeanor is extremely off-putting, in addition to the insecure questioning, he seems to want/ expect you to meet his idolized version of a relationship. This guy who doesn’t have sex with you that often also envisions a playful, intimate relationship….so what I’m hearing (including the subtle slut-shaming undertones)  “I want a woman with a chaste past so that I can feel she’s all mine without these feelings of jealousy and insecurity and competitiveness, I want to come home to a relationship where there are no problems, no arguments, no bad days at work, just an intimate playful relationship with a woman who greets me like I’m a returning king and dresses sexy (just for me! not in public) while she’s cooking me a gourmet dinner and never ever argues with me or questions me” 

And he’s trying SO. HARD. to be patient with you while you learn/ try to become what he wants. {insert patient sigh of patriarchal long suffering chagrin} ….but it’s hard for him to be patient when there is so much you need to change about yourself to be worthy of this relationship! 

^^ Run. Just fucking run. 

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