(Closed) Keeping a “safety stash” of money that your husband doesn’t know about?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Do/would you keep a "safety stash" of money that your husband doesn't know about?
    Yes, I do this. : (79 votes)
    17 %
    No, but I will/I want to/I think it's a good idea : (71 votes)
    16 %
    I'm not sure, I have mixed feelings about this. : (75 votes)
    16 %
    No, I would never do it. : (215 votes)
    47 %
    Other. : (16 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    873 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    We aren’t married yet, but we will have our own bank accounts even after marriage.  It’s actually impossible to have a joint account here, but even if it were possible, we would feel the same way.  We will share joint bills/childcare/etc etc, but we also have our own personal expenses.  My mother has always been very vocal that I never let a man have control over my expenses – her close friend’s daughter was physically, emotionally, and economically abused.  She was actually starving because he was controlling the amount of money she had and how she spent it.  She couldn’t leave him because she had no money in her name and was living in a different place from her family members.  The whole incident terrified my mother.  I also saw how important it was for my mother to have her own account after my father died suddenly and we had to live without his accounts for awhile (he was the sole breadwinner at the time).  Bad things happen 🙁  However, I would never hide the money from my Fiance.  It would upset me if he had secret assets or accounts…but if it’s out in the open…I think it’s very very very smart.

    Post # 4
    Member
    5993 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    from my construction payroll days… men have cunning kits and women have escape kits 😀

    and yes, i have a stash of funds that hubby rarely knows about…. especially as we have seperate account and have no plans on combining accounts in the near future.

    but, i usually let him know about the $$$ when something comes up. example in november we went on vacay for 2 weeks, although the trip had already been paid for i had the funds for us to splurge totally on rental cars, helicopter transfers, restaurants, shopping (we went on a rum factory tour and he spent $400 on limited edition bottles & shirts-never let that man taste test and shop i tell you!)

    right now, i have no real intention of having a slush fund what will remain super secret from hubby, its more like a happy surprise & splurge slush fund

    Post # 5
    Member
    1813 posts
    Buzzing bee

    well, not all our accounts are shared right now, but that’s for lazy reasons  😉  I still put never, bc technically (w/o a prenup) everything is half mine.  You just have to know how to get to your $ I’d presume, and I still work and still have a large portfolio of investments, etc, that cannot easily/quickly be accessed by either of us. 

    Of course I can’t ever see this happening, but playing what if…I guess I’m lucky, too, that my parents would always take me if needed.  They are pretty well off and have a big house.  Plus, they’d come out with the lawyers a blazin’ if Darling Husband did anything extreme.

    For 2010, we are sitting down to have a more formal budget, though, and we might both get a “mad money” allowance” that if we don’t spend still goes to each of us separately, but I doubt that will be much, bc we are building up our emergency fund, fixing up the house, and hoping to pay off my student loans early!

    Post # 6
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I don’t (i’m only 23 i just graduated, lol) but if i was older, yes, i’d have a “stash”.

    As it is now, I have mom and dad. If something happens, I know they’d bail me out. Mom keeps a couple of my deposit slips anyways “just in case” (she asked for them) and I do have her credit card. Sometimes she asks me to buy stuff online with it (i’m more savvy than her) but i also know i could buy a plane ticket if i needed to.

    There’s nothing really wrong with it. I don’t like the idea of it necessarily (some say you shouldn’t marry someone you don’t trust but I also don’t like the idea of being too naive either), but I understand it’s relatively practical too. And i’m all about practical with a capital P.

    Post # 7
    Hostess
    18644 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I don’t really like the idea of having hidden money.  In the near future, I have an inheritance coming to me so if something happened within the near term, I could tap that.  Otherwise, I know that my dad would help me if something ever happened.  But I really do believe that being in a marriage means that we trust each other and talk to each other before making major decisions about our money.  I understand providing for yourself though.

    Post # 8
    Member
    604 posts
    Busy bee

    I would never do that. it is one thing to keep your checking account separate after you get married, but to not disclose it is like cheating for me. I wouldn’t want him to keep that a secret either. Once your married well before too their should be full disclosure of everything especially if it involves money. He can keep his passwords for email etc. and so can I, but to hide money is a little above and beyond. Those matters should definitely be discussed before marriage so you see wher you stand on that.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2781 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I totally get the practical aspect of it. And I think if it’s something you want to do then go for it. FH and I are planning on keeping our personal accounts exactly so that we have “emergency money” for ourselves if anything should happen. We both know what it’s for and we understand that and that’s that.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4567 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Okay, secret money accounts really make me nervous.. I don’t see anything wrong with having your own bank account with only your name on it, but I have a HUGE problem with it being a secret. As it stands, I’m kind of in the same boat as EJS, I have my mom and dad (but also a small savings account with about 3k in it that Mr. KM knows about) that would bail me out in a heartbeat. 

    With the fact that you’re supposed to go into a marriage being honest, the “secret money” thing kind of skeeves me out.Honestly, I think it really shows a certain level of distrust of your partner to have it be a secret. If they know about it, but their name isn’t on the account and they have no way to get to it, it’s safe. You can even tell the bank that NO ONE else is supposed to get into that account- my mom’s name is on my account in case I die or something ridiculous like that, but Mr. KM knows where the account is, too. Not that it matters, because I trust him absolutely and completely. He’s an ethicist, though, so maybe I lucked out.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    My husband and I have joint checking and savings accounts and we each have our own checking accounts. We both know about our separate accounts. Right now, I’m unemployed and totally dependent on him for income (aside from my paltry unemployment) so it’s not like I have a large amount of money put away. When I start working again, I’ll try to build up my balance but it’s just practical. If I want to buy him a gift, I don’t want to use our joint account. Plus, God forbid something happen to him, I like the idea of having immediate access to money. I worked at a bank for almost 10 years, and I learned a lot of lessons. People die unexpectedly, people change, trustworthy husbands (and wives) run off with all the money, etc. Do I think any of those things will happen? Not really but it pays to be smart. I think it’s totally ok to have separate accounts/credit cards but I don’t like the idea of hiding money from my partner. I don’t care how much money he has stashed away and he doesn’t care how much money I have stashed away as long as the bills are paid and we can buy the things we need on a day to day basis. We are both very open about our finances and our goals.

    Post # 12
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I guess by “stash” i mean money i have access to that he doesn’t. I’d probably keep the amount secret, and just be like “i have money in a savings account somewhere”. But, I honestly don’t know exactly how my Darling Husband has in savings, either. I just know he has it. And that doesn’t weird me out. I think it’d be weird if like, 20 years down the road he said “oh hey here’s an additional 10K i have” because, well, we coulda used that on the house!

    I dunno, nowadays, do you really need a secret stash with the whole credit cards things being around? If you have your own credit card, essentially you can get away any time you need to, right?

    Post # 13
    Member
    2186 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    its less about a secret stash since we are getting a joint account for household expenses, but we have our own accounts as well, so what is ours is ours and what is each person is each persons. so no need to keep it secret – hes not really checking up on mypersonal account and im not checking on his.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2781 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @ejs, I generally agree with what you said, but I think over a certain amount in savings should be shared if you’re doing something such as buying a house, etc. 

    But yes, the credit card statement is totally accurate IMO. With a car and a credit card you don’t need anything else really to get away.

    Post # 15
    Member
    806 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I’m with Spaganya – we’ll each have a little of our own separate money and it’s not supposed to be a “secret.”  Once married, we’re planning to deposit our paychecks into a joint account, then each month auto-transfer some “individual fun money” into each of our separate accounts.  If we choose to spend this or save it up over time, that’s up to each of us.  So will I have some savings that is mine alone, definitely, but I hope that he would have his own too.

    Post # 16
    Member
    194 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Good question. Dear Fiance and I have a joint current account and joint savings account. We both have our own current accounts, where our wages get paid into. We then transfer an amount into the joint accoun to pay mortgage, bills, family birthday presents etc. All my savings go into our joint savings account for the Honeymoon and a new car.

    I have started to put money aside to pay for things for him, such as his wedding present. I do wonder if I should put more money in and just have it there, but then a) everything we buy together is a joint purchase in any case b) I can’t imagine us not being together.

    My mum was divorced and I am sure if I had this discussion with her would encourage me to put money aside in a “just in case” fund.

    The topic ‘Keeping a “safety stash” of money that your husband doesn’t know about?’ is closed to new replies.

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