(Closed) Keeping everything a secret

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Sorry, I don’t have much advice and cannot really relate to it!! Can’t you at least tell your mum, so she can be part of this with you?

Post # 5
Member
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

how about us here at the hive! πŸ™‚ I know its not the same as having someone go dress shopping with you and whatnot but you can always come here for advice and support or just to talk about all things wedding. I doubt any of us will be offended that we arent ultimately invited to your big day lol. But im sure im not the only one who would be ok with being some form of support or outlet for you. this may not be what you are looking for but its just a thought πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t quite understand why it has to be a secret I guess.  Even if you can’t invite everyone to your small out of town wedding, there is no real reason not to tell anyone.  It’s exciting to tell your friends and family that you guys are going to get married!  So what if there is no ring and no hoopla?  

 

Also not telling the only people you’re inviting until a few months prior to the entire thing is just asking for a disaster.  Immediate family is like what–20ish people?  What if you get everything set without telling a soul and then some cousin decides to get married on that same date?  Half of your guests are now in conflict and have to choose between the two–and while you set a date first, you didn’t tell anyone about it until later.  Sure they will probably choose yours but that will create bad blood between you and your cousin or whatever.

 

I’m only saying this because our original plan was to do something similar.  We weren’t going to tell anyone except a few people and not invite anyone and elope next summer (we were not having a secret engagement at all).  Then after telling my parents regarding the plan, my dad freaked out.  After we calmed down, I realized that sneaking off like that and not allowing anyone to share the excitement and anticipation is incredibly painful to our loved ones.  Your family will be excited to hear of the engagement and wedding but will be incredibly hurt to find out that they’ve been excluded from everything.  

 

Imagine finding out your close relative has been engaged for a year and planned a wedding and didn’t even tell you until right before the wedding.  And then expected you to haul out across the province with little notice for the wedding?  I’d be hurt and annoyed–what if I had another wedding to go to or a vacation planned?  What if I was super broke and had to save up for a year to be able to afford the gas/present/lodging?  People don’t announce dates a year in advance for no reason–they do it so that the people they care about have enough notice to plan/budget and not commit to any other obligations.

 

Your friends will be more hurt than your family.  Sure they’ll be happy when you come home and are married but they will also feel hurt that you didn’t want to share this awesome thing with them.  Not being able to be invited sucks but being totally left out sucks more.  I would totally be thrilled for a friend who was having a wedding that I couldn’t come to and would still love to be there for her and help her plan and try on dresses.  I’d probably throw her a shower and a bachelorette party.  Yeah I’d be bummed that it was family only but I’d understand and be supportive.  

 

I think you’d enjoy things a lot more if you got to share this happy time with the people you care about.  Talk to Fiance about it–it sounds like neither of you have thought this through.  Not to be snarky but secret engagements are kind of Jane Austen/high school sorts of things.  Adults don’t really have a reason to hide their decisions so they celebrate the good ones because it’s the fun and happy thing to do.  You are basically tainting this happy time by having to deal with the consequences of keeping it a secret.  If you guys insist on the secret thing, it’s going to be a sad and lonely year.

Post # 8
Member
1489 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@florence: So sorry you feel alone…  We are all here for you

Post # 10
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@florence: You are doing this for you and who cares what other people say about your choices.

Secondly – I bet that if you plan a bee meetup where you live and it’s plan is to help you pick a dress, I bet a bunch of ladies would come out to help you. Plan the meetup and then will come! 

Post # 12
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I have a secret engagement too. We’re getting married december next year and are waiting until we have a venue to tell our parents and only after that we’re telling friends. We’ll try to keep it as low key as possible, I have a huge family and although we’re inviting immediate family a lot of my parent’s cousins, aunts and uncles will want to go and we can’t afford to invite, so we’re trying not to make a big deal out of our wedding.

Post # 14
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t have a secret engagment but I am planning a small wedding which is hard since everyone wants to be involved with weddings. So I have had to cut down my talk about because I don’t want to give people the wrong idea. It has been hard at points because I always like to bounce off ideas but that is why I decided to sign up for wedding bee instead of just reading it.

Post # 16
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that maybe you should have Fiance go with you to try on dresses (don’t buy yet) but get his idea of what he thinks you look good in and then narrow it down, don’t tell him which dress so he will be surprised, but then you won’t feel so lonely…

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