Post # 1
Member
3225 posts
Sugar bee
I have a friend who has older (college age) kids, one is still living at home. Her husband works a second job (partime 16 hrs every Saturday) for the last 10 years as they needed the money…it would go to their joint account but he would keep several hundred for himself. (She always took several hundred $ for herself from her *own* paycheck too)
Now they dont need the money so much so she asked him if he wanted to *quit* so they could have regular weekends together. However he said he wants to continue working and *keep ALL the money for his own use*….
She asked me what I thought about him wanting to keep working the second job and keeping all that money for himself. I didn’t know what to tell her. It doesn’t seem fair to me that for all that time every weekend he was gone 1 entire day, now it will be the same but he will be the only one to get the financial benefit. Any thoughts?
Post # 2
Member
13951 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I think I’d be upset by this, because I’m fairly paranoid and would worry that he was building a nest egg for a future without me. I guess at this point in their lives, I don’t really see the point in keeping that money separate. Can he articulate a reason why he now wants to keep all the money to himself?
Post # 3
Member
3225 posts
Sugar bee
JiminyCricket : He likes car stuff, tech gadgets etc and having his own money to buy what he wants. She does the same she said.
Post # 4
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
mrstodd2bee : if it were me, I don’t think I’d have a problem with the financial aspect of it. if he wants to work hard for some extra fun money of his own, I’d say go for it! If they aren’t hurting for $$$ there’s no reason for him to be required to share. The only problem with this scenario is that his fun money income is at the expense of quality time as a couple. It shows that he’s prioritizing fun money over cultivating and nurturing the relation, which is highly concerning considering the fact that now that he doesn’t *have* to do it, he’d still rather work his ass off than spend time with me. 16 hours is essentially a whole entire day and doesn’t leave any time to relax together after getting off.
To compromise, perhaps she could ask him to cut that part time job down to 8 hours, or maybe even 8 hours twice a week just so that his entire Saturday won’t be dedicated to work.
This is all assuming that they have a healthy, happy relationship otherwise. If not, it seems like he’s just working to stay away from her. That’s what my mom does…she works every weekend part time so that she won’t have to be around my dad smh. I’ve seen it happen, so while I’m not trying to be a negative Nancy, it is certainly a possibility…
Post # 5
Member
4054 posts
Honey bee
mrstodd2bee : I’ll probably be in the minority here, but previously he was working that job because they needed the money. Now they don’t need it, so I’m assuming his full time job pays well enough for them to afford their bills and whatnot. So to me, the money he gets from his OPTIONAL (no longer necessary) 2nd job is his money.
Post # 6
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
Agree with PP that the issue is his job is cutting into their quality time. They should make a compromise of some kind. It shouldn’t be just his way or the highway.
Post # 7
Member
5464 posts
Bee Keeper
mrstodd2bee : It doesn’t seem fair to me that for all that time every weekend he was gone 1 entire day, now it will be the same but he will be the only one to get the financial benefit. Any thoughts?
It is his extra day to give up in my opinion and if he wants to keep the money for himself then I think that’s fair.
Did you friend work an extra 16 hours on top of her full time job for the ten years they were struggling? If she didn’t it is a bit rich for her to have been okay with him sacrificing his off days when she wanted the money and now she doesn’t she thinks he shouldn’t work them even if he now wants to.
Post # 8
Member
9 posts
Newbee
I would prefer quality time with my husband over him working 6 days a week if he doesnt have to. If he did continue to work I would want the money to be both his and mine. I wouldn’t be okay with my husband working an unecesaary extra 16 hours just for him to spend it on gadgets.
Post # 9
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
We don’t do “his money” and “her money,” so the whole idea of keeping the money to himself feels wrong to me. If he wants to spend money on tech gadgets and cars, then they can decide as a couple how much of their money they can budget towards fun stuff like that (or he can spend some amount of money, within reason, without asking his wife, since he works so hard and deserves it). I admit I usually get a bit touchy around discussions about whether it’s fair to your spouse to work weekends, because I work a lot of weekends in my line of work, and it sometimes causes some friction, but it’s just what my career is. But I will say that working full time hours during the week plus 16(!) hours straight every Saturday sounds insane to me, especially if there’s not a strong financial incentive to do so.
Post # 10
Member
3225 posts
Sugar bee
zzar45 : She took care of all the kid related stuff, house work too she said. One of their kids is special need, (emotional) but she said he’s much better now and lives with a friend and attends college.
LavenderHouse : it does seem a little different but i think she’s a stickler for paying bills being money wise.lol
Post # 11
Member
1989 posts
Buzzing bee
I think it depends on how she’s defining ‘we can afford for him not to do the second job.’ Does this mean that he could spend what he wants on his gadgets if he cut the second job? Or does he need the income from his second job in order to comfortably afford his hobby? I think if he’s taking the job to pay for his hobby (and normal household expenses/savings are not suffering) he deserves to spend the money however he wants. It would be unfair if she expected 50% of that extra paycheck.
DH and I share all our money. That said, before the wedding I took up some odd jobs here and there to afford personal ‘upgrades’ before the wedding (facials, hair appointments). Stuff that was pretty ridiculously priced, but I really wanted to do. So I walked some neighbors dogs and did yard work to pay for them. If DH had told me he deserved 50% of that extra money, I would have told him to get lost. Even now, here and there, I will do odd jobs for extra spending cash on anything extravagant.
The 16 hours a weekend is a bummer, but his choice. She can’t force him to spend time with her.
Now, if they can 100% comfortably afford whatever he wants to spend on…..I’d be concerned.
Post # 12
Member
13738 posts
Honey Beekeeper
Our view, whether I was working part time,full time or as a Stay-At-Home Mom is that we each contribute to the family equally. In this case, not only is the money not shared, or for common goals, but OP’s friend would now also have to be willing to sacrifice a significant amount of time with her husband, something she already does by the sound of all his hobbies.
This would not work for me. I know people will say well what about the woman who wants to use a part time job for all her discretionary spending? Well, the spouses need to be on the same page there too. And if the husband is working similar hours he’s not giving up time together.
I think your friend has every right not to be OK with this.
Post # 13
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
To me it’s a time issue more than a money issue. I have no problem with my husband spending the money he earns on things that are just for him (provided it doesn’t cut into our living expenses), but I wouldn’t love him taking on an extra job that meant he’d be gone every Saturday forever, just to fund a hobby. I think a compromise is needed here.
Post # 14
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
Since the job is not necessary and the money only benefits him, I would treat it like a hobby. Hobbies are great, my husband and I both have a few that we enjoy on our own. But we don’t spend the entire day every Saturday on them. That would be a problem.
Post # 15
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
If he quits the job will be be able to afford his car things and gadgets? It sounds like he has an expensive hobby and he is financing it through having another job. That sounds quite responsible. If he quits his job, would your friend be happy for him to have more “his money”? I can understand the mindset that he would rather have less free time and get more luxury and enjoy the results of hard work.
I think finances are very personal for every couple but I don’t think he is being totally outrageous but I can understand your friend aswell. I have the most issue with changing the agreement. If he previously already got majority of that paycheck then could they keep the original arraingement?