Post # 1
So last night, Fiance and I were putting together our slideshow for the rehearsal dinner. He had a huge manila envelope of photos of his ex which he put aside. He left the house and I snooped. There about 70-80 photos of her, some in her nighty. Also love letters and poems she wrote him. They broke up about 6 years ago. Is this appropriate to keep in OUR house with the wedding in a few weeks?
I have had 3 serious boyfriends and have maybe 5 or 6 photos of each here and there. I threw out all of their letters when I got engaged. I don’t have a huge collextion from just one person like he does. What also upsets me is that most of her pictures where taken by him (close ups and sexy shots) and he NEVER takes any of me. Everytime I ask him to pose for a photo of the two of us he grumbles.
I don’t want him throw all of them out I would not mind a few photos but I think a shrine is just too much. I also don’t know how to bring it up because I snooped
Post # 3
I think it’s not appropriate at all. You don’t need to tell him that you snooped. The fact that he has a huge manila envelope of photos of her and her letters is enough to start a discussion, regardless of the exact contents of that envelope. If he insists it’s innocent (or unrelated to his ex) ask him to show you. There should be no secrets among a couple about to get married, so he really can’t avoid showing you without looking suspicious. When you see them you can explain why it hurts you that he still has these.
Post # 4
I find that pretty odd. A few years ago, Fiance and I were cleaning up some stuff and we came across a few pictures of his ex. He turned bright red and was like “OMG why do I still have these?!” Then he threw them out.
I don’t see the point of having pictures of an ex that you are no longer involved with. Especially “sexy shots” as you say.
I would definitely bring this up with him.
Post # 5
No, the sexy shots are a no no. I think it’s ok to keep a handful of pics around though. Like i’ve said before, my mom kept a shoe box of old memories and one day we went through them. It was pretty fun seeing a card an ex boyfriend wrote her, the guys she dated before my dad. Mostly, fun to laugh at the 80’s attire though. But seeing my mom at 20, 21 years old with other guys (some in short shorts, much to my laughter) was a neat thing =]
Post # 6
I don’t think that’s appropriate at all. I don’t have any pictures of ex’s (except my prom photos!) and no ‘love mementos’.
If I found pictures of FH’s ex in her nightie in the home we share I would be pisssssssssssed (extra s’s for emphasis).
Post # 7
I’m having similar concerns with printed photos and also electronic ones… He has many e-albums, and while he took it out of “public eye”, he feels like keeping stuff is not a big deal, because the past is part of what he is.
While I agree with that, I would still prefer if there were less, or if it was better stored away in an ARCHIVE folder!
He takes lots of pics of me too, and there’s no trust issue – I’d just prefer them away..
In a selfish way, I’m relieved not to be the only one thinking about this issue, and am still trying to find a way to approach this subject with him.
Post # 8
I have a few shots of me and my ex-bf from high school, but mainly because I look really good in them!!! I would be PISSED if I found these. You can just be up front with him – he’s the one in the wrong for still having all ofthis around. Love letters and sexy pics need to go, a few pictures are okay, but not to that extent!
Post # 9
He might have trouble ‘letting go’ of that envelope since it was such a big part of his life. He probably doens’t have many other pictures of himself from that time period without her, so it’s not just her who’s represented there.
I know it sounds silly, but my only hesitation of throwing out old photos of me with an ex is either it’s a really good pic of me (vain, I know) or if it reminds me of a really fun night in college or something.
Either way, the envelope needs to bite it. No excuse for keeping it around at this point. But if I were you I would try to at least be understanding about it and gentle with your request.
As far as the whole taking pix of her vs. you thing, I wouldn’t try to compare. He broke up with her 6 years ago, he probably was a totally different person back then. Maybe he only liked her for you-know-what while he obviously likes so much more about you. I wouldn’t take it personally.
Post # 10
@moderndaisy. He did not break up with her, she left him and he was broken for years over it. Also most of the photos are of just her and he has plenty of other photos from those years with friends. it’s the quantity and content that bug me the most
Post # 11
MSMarch, is it possible they’ve been there for awhile and he just basically forgot about them? Then when you guys were lookng at pictures, he remembered what was in there and set it aside to finally toss?
Post # 12
I think that the sexy photos should go. I think the only point of such photos is for the viewer to look at them and want to have sex with the person in the photo. There is no reason for him to have such photos of another woman like that.
The letters, though, seem different to me. I only say this because I also have letters from my first love, the one who really broke my heart. I can’t bring myself to get rid of them. It’s not because I’m not over him. I totally am. It’s just because these letters represent a huge part of my life and helped make me a different person. I can’t imagine parting with things so monumental in my life. I guess I can imagine my children finding them and looking through them and having that moment where they realize that I was somebody else before I was their mom…if that makes sense. This also might be the historian in me sneaking out…
Post # 13
Yep, I’d definitely talk to him about it. Some people handle their memories differently, so I wouldn’t necessarily take it personally, but the fact that it’s making YOU uncomfortable should be cause enough for him to get rid of it. At least the naughty pics!
Post # 14
Hmm, okay well it sounds like he still might have trouble letting go, especially since he was so devastated like you said. And I also agree with EJS that he might have kind of forgotten about it existing in the first place.
I would definitely have a heart-to-heart with him and ask why they’re still in his posession and not burned into the atmosphere or in a landfill. Remind him where his bread is buttered and that this is non-negotiable.
Sorry you have to deal with it! If it makes you feel any better, I have been putting off getting rid of all my Ex’s photos from my old albums. I never look through them and they’re filed away in storage so I keep forgetting. I would be so embarrased if Fiance found them!
Post # 15
I think that hanging on to so many photos of an, er, personal nature is a bit strange, but wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that they’re representative of some sort of deeply felt longing for the past. He may have just stuffed them all in the envelope and forgotten about them til now.
I don’t think it would be wrong to ask him to get rid of most, if not all, of them, but keep in mind that you did snoop. Being aggressive and confrontational is likely to make things more fraught then necessary. Maybe just a meaningful comment to the effect of, “I’m excited to start this new chapter of our life, and it would mean a lot to me if you could dispose of some old things, pieces of the past, that might still be hanging around.”
Post # 16
He went through and segregated them yesterday while doing he was doing the slideshow. I was at work, so he had an opportunity to fliter and throw them out. Garbage trucks came yesterday! The envelope also has letters from his father, so I know this envelope contains sentimental stuff he obviously plans on keeping.