Post # 1
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
This past week, my father called me and said that he would like to contribute $200 per week (so about $800-1000 per month) directly from his paychecks into the savings account my fiance and I have together for the wedding.
Although I sometimes feel like I am about to burst with this information, I am reluctant to tell my fiance because:
1. My father is notoriously unreliable, which my fiance knows. Most recently, in December, he wrote us a check for $250, then quit the job in the same week and, of course, the check bounced. So I figure if this doesn’t work out, only I’ll be disappointed rather than both of us.
2. Saving for us has been a struggle. We both have automatic deductions from our paychecks into our savings, but we like to live somewhat extravangtly (who doesn’t!) and so sometimes it stinks to have to say no to things, even though we know we have to save. Fiance is worse about this than me, and I’m afraid that if he knows that extra money is going into the savings, he will want to reduce his contribution.
Normally, I am of the camp that you should be completely open about your finances, but I feel like it might just be better to keep this a secret, and maybe tell him a few months down the road (if there’s anything to tell at that point) when we’ve adjusted to our lifestyle with heaving saving. Oh, and he has access to the savings account, he just has no interest in checking it. I don’t think he’s ever logged into it.
What do you guys think? Am I just justifying this secret or does it seem like this is the right way to go?
Post # 3
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
@QueensBee: If your dad is unreliable I would tell him but only after you see that your dad is actually coming through with the money. I do think you should have a talk with him at that point about not wanting to drastically reduce the amount you put in just because of this extra gift.
Post # 4
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
@swisea01: Thanks… that’s not a bad idea about being frank about continuing to save on our end, if this produces anything.
My dad is really bad, and he just started a new job and is in the “golden and glowing” part of it. This is the term I use for when he starts a job and talks about all the money he’s going to make and all the things he’ll be able to do. Usually, a few months later he starts talking about how his boss is a jerk and the company isn’t paying him like planned.
My prediction is that we will get $400 out of this arrangement lol.
Post # 5
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
Honesty is a good thing, but on the other hand, this is something that hasn’t actually happened yet! So I think you should keep it on the downlow and when you’ve got a substantial amount, tell him of your dad’s generosity.
Post # 6
Member
1176 posts
Bumble bee
I wouldn’t tell him because you don’t know if your dad will really come through. If your dad does contribute more than a few times, then tell him.
Post # 7
Member
6261 posts
Bee Keeper
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I wouldn’t tell him about it yet not only because you’re not sure it your dad will come through, but also (and mostly) because you guys need to learn how to save, and this wedding is a good excuse. A wedding won’t be the most expensive thing you have to save for (are you thinking about buying a house or having kids?), and it is very helpful to start living a more frugal lifestyle now, as opposed to later when you are even more used to your current extravagant lifestyle.
Post # 8
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
I voted to tell him….I am a much worse saver than DH, but our wedding was important enough to me that I sucked it up. It would have hurt me to find out he didn’t have enough faith in me to tell me that, and frankly I would see it as condescending (“only I can be trusted with this money”).
Saving isn’t fun, but it’s part of being an adult…..if he can’t do it for your wedding, what about when you want to buy a house or have kids?I
Post # 9
Member
3336 posts
Sugar bee
Why would he want to stop saving if he knows how flakey your dad can be?
Surely, that is the response that you give when he says he wants to reduce his savings.
Tell him. It effects both of you.
Post # 10
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
You need to tell him. You are totally justified in wanting to keep it on the DL, but think about how upset he would be when he finds out you kept something as important as wedding finances from him. True, he would be happy the money is there, but I’d be furious if DH did that and didn’t tell me, particularly because he didn’t think he could trust me to continue making deposits to our savings account. We’d have some bigger issues at that point.
Post # 11
Member
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
I was all for not keeping any secrets from him until the part where you said your Fiance has trouble controlling spending, and you’re not much better at it. That in itself I think is a good reason to hold on to your little secret until you two have had more practice with saving up on your own. By that time you should also have a better idea of whether or not your dad will actually be able to contribute, and how much. I think it’s very common for some people to never really learn to save money until there’s actually an important deadline for a certain amount that won’t come easy, and you two have a long marriage with many expenses ahead of you, so saving up is a good skill to practice.
And if you do end up saving up and it turns out you didn’t need to for the wedding, you’ll have a nice lump of savings after the wedding 🙂
Post # 12
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Your financial future is a joint burden. He needs to know everything that is happening. He also needs you to trust him enough to be there for you when your dad lets you down.
You need to tell him!
Post # 13
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
Although I understand your motivations, I would be kind of pissed if I found out that my Fiance was hiding money from me, even if for our wedding. He’ll find out eventually, whether your father comes through or not. I would tell him but phase it as if there’s a possibility that your father may help out, and you should both agree that this contribution doesn’t change the amount that you agreed to save previously.
Post # 14
Member
9948 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I didn’t VOTE, because none of the choices meet my Point of view.
As your Dad has a track record of being unreliable… I’d vote for NOT SHARING the info.
WHY build up false hope / disappointment for the both of you?
Much better in my opinion as the Wedding nears to be able to say…
“Oh ya, and I have $ X that my Dad has contributed”
Straight forward. Factual.
Lol if nothing else, you can always put it towards the Honeymoon.
Hope this helps,
Post # 15
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
@MrsVandykins:
@geekspice: Thanks bees! I really am leaning towards waiting to see if anything comes of it. I’ve gotten used to my dad disappointing me but I think it’s a fairly new feeling for my fiance… and I just want to protect his fragile heart lol
@MeiFrancis:
@Taeyers: It’s true, we need to learn how to save more aggressively. Before the wedding stuff, we saved moderately and maxed out my 401k but also ate out every night and bought whatever we wanted. It’s addicting! And I think this is a good exercise for us to change our habits permanently. We want to buy a one bedroom apartment and a business and we’re not gonna be able to do that with the way we were spending before 🙂
@sara_tiara:
@StephieBee: You guys make good points but I guess I am being condescending because I am thinking “only I can be trusted with this money…” for now. One of the best parts of saving is seeing it all add up and then thinking, “Holy Crap! I can’t believe we saved all of this.”
I actually started out as a worst saver but am better at seeing the longterm benefits of things… and Fiance does better when he can see real results. I don’t think he will be hurt if I explain that I did this to give us a proverbial kick in the ass. I manage all the money/bills for us anyway.
@crayfish: I’m more worried about him being upset when my dad lets us down – I’m used to it! I’ll just be more annoyed and like “Ugh, typical!” My poor fiance is more used to having parents who actually follow through with their promises:)
@andielovesj: that’s a great response!
Post # 16
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
@This Time Round: Thank you, that does help!
And thank you everyone else who voted/commented!! Right now I’m leaning towards keeping it a secret, for now. I’m thinking that, in a month-ish (if the contributions last that long), we will have received $1000. At that time, I’ll tell him about the direct deposit since $1000 is a respectable contribution no matter what. I’ll say something like we’re lucky to have received this amount, but we’ll have to keep our contributions the same so we know that we’ll be able to meet our obligations. I’ll say that if my dad keeps contributing, we’ll use the money towards our honeymoon (since right now we’re not planning on having one).
This way it gives us an extra month of getting used to extra saving and I don’t have to worry about my dad upsetting him!