Post # 1
I apologize for the following, most likely repetitive vent, but I must.
So, this fall my boyfriend was giving me some serious hints that he has looked at or even found an engagement ring. As if I was not excited enough by this news, my excitement escalated when I accidentally found what appeared to be a layaway certificate from a jeweller for a ’18K White Gold Ring’ in his truck in September. I did not let myself see any more of the receipt, but I did notice that he had made what appeared to be a down payment on a ring. Our four year anniversary came and went in September and I was still not engaged. I was okay with that because we are in a really good place together and very connected. I was simply happy knowing that he was at least looking into things.
During October, November and still now I find myself repeatedly thinking how long it has been since I first found the receipt (which was dated in early August). I’m also wondering why there has been no action, and why all engagement talk from my SO has stopped completely.
I get these hopeful and yet unhealthy thoughts that perhaps he is waiting until around the holidays to ask me. My reason for thinking this way? He has not asked me what I want for Christmas, which is unusual for him, and a couple of days ago he said “you’re only getting one gift for Christmas from me this year”. Silly me, thinking it could be the one and only thing I desire… engagement. He knows this.
I kind of went crazy with Christmas gifts for people this year, including my SO. Last night I mentioned to him that I went over my planned budget for gifts. He got this serious look on his face and said “please don’t buy me anymore gifts. I have had a lot of things to pay off and increasing bills, etc. I just don’t want you to be disappointed when there are not a lot of gifts for you under the tree. I might not even be able to go on that spring golf trip with your brother.”
The look on his face was very telling that he is stressed out with finances. Not only am I crushed that a holiday engagement now seems very unlikely, but I hate seeing my SO so stressed and worried.
Any glimmer of hope that I had for a proposal in 2011 is fading quickly. I should mention that this summer my SO told me that he would propose sometime in 2011. I just don’t know what to make of this situation.
Thanks for letting me vent. I don’t tell anyone but the Bee’s this stuff!
Post # 3
@Ms. Darko: Aw, I’m so sorry for you hun! At least you know he wants to be with you. And maybe the tight finances has to do with an upcoming engagement. At least, those are the two things I keep telling myself! 😉 It’s hard to see your SO miserable like that, but keep up the hope. It sounds like it will happen, it’s only a matter of when. I’m rooting for you!
Post # 4
I can totally understand your stress – but here’s a thought. My friend told me about her engagement: Her and her SO picked out her ring, and made payments on it. He did NOT get the ring until the payments were done (I don’t know why).
I would say if you are happy with him, stop stressing about when it’s going to happen and just enjoy where you are now in your relationship. Once I stopped stressing, he popped the question and I was TOTALLY surprised!
Post # 5
Thanks Ladies! I appreciate your kind words and advice.
I will continue to try and keep my cool about this and enjoy what we have. I have been really good lately about not bringing up engagement.
I still hope that the receipt I saw was indeed for a ring and if it was, that he hasn’t changed his mind.
I’m so thankful that I have an outlet for all my venting!
Post # 6
Have you just sat down and had an earnest conversation about your future and relationship? In some cases, I think we ladies talk about engagement/marriage too much and should let the subject drop. I think in your case, though, a conversation might ease your anxiety. Just a conversation about what you guys want, when you’d like to get married, etc.
Post # 7
Hi! Yes, I have had some conversations with my SO about our future. I actually used to press the issue too much and have since calmed down significantly (probably because I saw the layaway receipt, plus a ring brochure and business card from a jeweller). We both agree that we would like to be married in the future, we’ve briefly discussed possible wedding ideas, and we even talk children sometimes.
In the beginning of our relationship, my SO was not so keen to talk about marriage, etc. It was hard to deal with, but I think it stemmed from his parents having a failed marriage and some of his co-workers who are divorced. Over the past year or so, SO has been much more vocal about his want for marriage and family. He tells me how certain he is that we will be together long term.
As for a timeline, THIS is the main issue that I just can’t seem to get out of him. The most he has been willing to tell me is “it [proposal] will happen in 2011”. Whenever I start voicing concerns about needing time to plan a wedding, etc. he will stop me and say things like “Babe, I know what you want and what you expect. I want the same things. It will happen sooner than you think.” I tend to let the conversations end there because he usually sounds stressed. Not sure if that’s normal? Anyway, he has been saying “sooner than you think” for about 3 months now.
In the fall he was throwing around major hints that he might have a ring i.e. On our anniversary in September when I started talking in general about us saving, he misinterpretted that I was talking about an engagement ring and he replied “Maybe I already have one”. And then in November (when we were a little tipsy) I told him flat out that I found some not-so-hidden clues that he is looking into rings and to hide things better. He laughed and told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about, but not to worry because I won’t be disappointed and it’s “custom”. WTF? haha
A few weeks back I went to take a ring in to get sized and found out my finger was a lot smaller than I thought. He says to me “It’s a good thing I didn’t get you a ring because I thought your finger was bigger than that”… and he sheepishly laughs again.
He knows that I would like to get married in Costa Rica. He realizes that people would need a lot of time to plan to come to a wedding that far. So…. I don’t understand why the ball is not rolling?
Post # 8
He is probably wanting to pay the ring off before he gives it to you! There is still christmas and new years this year and if he doesnt do it this year then you will just have to wait and burn for a while until he reveals the ring!!! super exciting!!
Post # 9
Look, if he is that stressed about money and finances, I would suggest leaving him alone on the wedding thing for a bit. Finances can really put pressure on a relationship and with the christmas season coming up, I say just enjoy the time together.
It is obvious he has something going on in regards to an engagement ring – perhaps that is why he is so stressed about money.
Post # 10
Thanks for your advice. I fully intend to leave it alone for a while. Like I said, I really hate seeing him stressed out and just want him to be happy. I know how stressful Christmas can be financially at times.
We went to a Prince concert last night and while we were there I started telling him that I want to do what it takes to help him if he’s stressed about finances and Christmas. I told him that it doesn’t have to be a miserable time because I will just be happy to be spending time with him and I don’t needs gifts. He has a really good job and he is still working the same hours he always has so I asked him if there’s any reason why finances may be a concern right now (we live together so talking $ is normal for us). He got this really weird smile on his face and said, “I’m sorry I said anything. Can we just pretend that conversation didn’t happen? Everything is fine, babe”. That made me feel better. And he told me this morning that tonight he has some things to do and will be home late. He refused to tell me what he was doing and repeated “I just have some things to do.” Haha. He is probably starting his X-mas shopping.