(Closed) keeping my name but FI thought i’d become a ‘Mrs’. WTF?

posted 7 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i thought people still used the “Mrs.” title if they kept their maiden name, too, actually…

he may just be really proud of having you as his wife and feel like maybe you aren’t as proud of that fact by not using the title.  maybe give him the benefit of the doubt with this one?

Post # 4
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You are right on this one. If you’re keeping your maiden name, you will be a Ms. I am keeping my maiden name in the workplace and hyphenating legally in my personal life; at work, everyone addresses me as a Ms. 

He needs to start respecting your views more. If things don’t get better, I suggest some couples counseling. Just because you want your individuality and feel certain ways about things doesn’t mean you’re trying to assert yourself politically. 

Post # 5
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I thought Ms. could be used if you were a miss or a mrs? I think you should be able to be a ms and he should support your decision. I dont really understand how it would help you out politically but I still just think he needs to be more understanding of your decisions.

Post # 6
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I actually posted about this a while ago on here, and the general concensus was that Ms. should be used with your maiden name. Not saying that’s the end-all rule, that’s just what most Bees shared. 

Regardless of whether you decide to be a Mrs. or Ms., he still needs to respect your decisions and not become angry when you differ on ideas. 

Post # 8
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry this is so stressful to you and your Fiance. I see what you mean about it sounding as though you were having an affair, what with two different last names and the Mrs. part! That was a humorous way to put it.

So is there some way that you can ask him the reason behind his request to narrow down his true need here? That’s a shame that he is ruffling at the remotely feminist stuff, but I think the underlining thing he needs from you is: a) to be connected to you, of course, and b) to have that connection represented clearly to the world, if not via a same last name, then via “Mrs.” so that he can say, “She’s with me.” Not saying this is all there is to it, but seems as though it is part of his reason.

Once you establish his exact reason and also state yours to him, you either find a way to show this representation somehow, you both remain at a standstill upset at each other, or he accepts your decision peacefully. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@londongal: Totally feel your pain. I think all your thoughts make a lot of sense. Hang in there, girlfriend!

Post # 10
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

How aggravating!

The next time he makes a comment about a decision of yours being “political,” ask him, in all seriousness, what he means by “political.” Maybe that could draw out a conversation about his knee-jerk reactions.  And maybe it would be useful to have several conversations with him about gender/feminism – so that he understands why you hold the positions you do, and so that you can understand where he stands on those issues.

 

Post # 11
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Why is he so offended at the very possibility that you would make a decision for feminist reasons?  I know you have personal reasons for this, but it seems as if he’s delineated what he finds an OK reason to do something and what he finds offensive.  People’s personal choices and decisions are often affected by higher-level beliefs and while I understand his being paranoid about a personal relationship being shaped by political acts, the fact is this happens all the time.  His wanting you to go by Mrs. or to ask your dad for permission is based on gender roles and societal structures… he didn’t come up with the ideas to do this on his own and they’re just as “political” as your decisions.

Having different opinions about traditions and what they mean doesn’t mean that one person or couple varies his/her/their marriage any more or less.  I think you need to find a way to make this clear to him both in that your marriage means no more or less because of little decisions about these traditions and also that he needs to respect your decisions regardless of why you are making them.

ETA: and I should add that keeping my name was the easiest decision in the world for me for both personal and political/ideological/feminist reasons.  I knew 110% long before we got engaged that I would make that choice.  And STILL knowing how strongly I felt, it was a little bit of a shock to my fiance and he was kind of upset about it for awhile.  And I was upset that he was upset.  But that’s all it was – a little shock and we’ve moved past it.  I think with a lot of guys it can be a surprise and a disappointment if they did grow up expecting that their future wife might take their name.  So this could be the manifestation of that shock, maybe.

Post # 12
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Since you are getting married or you are married. All of these decisions are now not just yours. I think the decisions should be mutual. You are in this together, so maybe try including him in your decision making.

Post # 13
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hahah. If he were a woman, he’d be a feminist too.

I think maybe you should explain to him that feminism, equality, and your right to self-determination are things that you care deeply about, and him trivializing and dismissing them because he doesn’t understand shows a deep lack of respect and regard for who you are and what you believe.

Post # 14
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@tracieszcz:

I think that just because she’s marrying him it does not make her name in any way his decision. He can express a preference, but whatever she wants to do, it’s her choice and he should be fine with it. (Just imagine what would be said about a woman that pitched a fit and tried to dictate how her husband would change his name after getting married. What’s good for the goose…)

Post # 15
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@Elvis: This. Love how you put it!

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