(Closed) Keeping plans a secret from certain family members to avoid judgement?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Not telling her the venue is going to be a tough one to hold out on!

There are details I don’t tell certain people just because I know they aren’t their preference (an example is not telling my step-mother that I’m using silk flowers) and I don’t really want to hear any negativity. I don’t really care about their opinions, but I have found in the past that knowing someone else hates your choice can sometimes tarnish your experience.

Ultimately though, the most important thing is to feel self-confident in your choices. Eventually they’ll find out all the details, and hopefully they have enough class to keep their mouths shut at that point.

Post # 4
4284 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@LondonLover:  I didn’t do this because I couldn’t contain my excitement. But we paid for the  majority ourselves so it was kind of our choice regardless.

Post # 5
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Why does it have to be a “secret?” To me, I guess I would just not discuss anything I didn’t want her to know, and that’s it. You’re not keeping it a secret, you’re just not divulging all the gritty details of your wedding. As far as the venue though, she will eventually have to be let in on that one, though you don’t necessarily have to say anything before invitations go out. 

Post # 6
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I should have just done this from the start and not shared any details with anyone, because then you just invite comments. I think I just did it because I needed the validation. But yeah… hold out for as long as you can!

Post # 7
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

A friend told me very early on in wedding planning, don’t share any details of your wedding with anyone… because they may criticize/judge/offer opinions you don’t want.  She said during her wedding planning she told people “it’s a surprise” when they asked about details of her wedding.  I decided to take this advice and I am soo happy I did!  The only people who really knew any details of the wedding were my husband and my mother (my mom is 100% supportive of whatever we wanted to do at our wedding so I knew she wouldn’t be judgy).

It’s not that I didn’t want people to know what we were doing.. I just, like you, didn’t want to hear people say “that’s to much” or “that’s not enough” or “you can’t do that at a wedding!/ you HAVE to do this” blah blah.  I am very particular and knew how I wanted things to go.  The only person’s opinion who I cared about was my husband’s.  In the end my wedding was an amazing day and all the guests enjoyed the little details we added.

If people asked details of the wedding I would be very vague.. and just give kind of general information, & then try to change the subject.  It’s natural that people will ask about your wedding plans, just be selective about what you tell them.

Post # 8
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@star_dust:  +1. 

If you choose not to share, so be it. It’s not the end of the world. Wedding planning is stressful enough. If a family member is only going to stir up trouble, I’d decline to be forthcoming until you absolutely have to. 

Post # 9
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Yeah, I just don’t talk about those aspects of wedding planning that I think would cause judgement from certain people. I haven’t told my Future Mother-In-Law that I’m wearing a purple and white dress because she’d probably have a heart attack, then go out and buy me a plain white dress (she freaked out when I told the salesperson I wanted to wear ivory instead of white). If she asks, I just say “It’s a surprise!” We also haven’t told the future in-laws that we’re doing a first look, because they’ve been hounding us about how we’re going to avoid seeing each other on the day, so I know that would be a major headache too

Post # 10
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@star_dust:  Agreed. We’re not discussing certain aspects of our wedding, simply because we don’t want to hear dissenting opinions. We’re having a secular/civil ceremony with Celtic/pagan elements (handfasting), and almost no one knows that. We’ve already had Future Father-In-Law try to convince Fiance to get me to agree to having a church wedding (FI and I do not believe in any god(s) and have not attended church for many years) to make his grandmother happy. I said absolutely not. My grandma suggested that we get married and have the reception at her church because “it’s easier.” I very politely told her that that wasn’t really what we wanted for our day. Aside from the city, the most that anyone knows is that it’s outside in a local park. Future Father-In-Law knows that we found some local officiants (it’s a husband-wife team) that we really liked and got a good vibe from after our meeting, but don’t know that we’re planning a secular ceremony.

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