(Closed) keeping touch with an ex

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

In my opinion, it is best to cut ties. Facebook is weird and kind of changes the rules I think. It is hard to have such an inside view to so many people’s lives when we aren’t even that close to them anymore. The way I think about it— what value does he add to your life, honestly? The potential problems there outweigh the serious pitfalls, and being constantly reminded of an ex is never a good thing.

I don’t think the fact that his facebook still seems to bother you a little says much of anything about your current relationship… when you share a lot with a person there are going to be some residual feelings there even after you move on to better things, but thats all the more reason to cut ties.

I think it’s time you moved on with your life. Be grateful for your time with D and the path that led you to your current Fiance, and close that chapter of your life. It might be hard to do in the moment, but give it a week and you will breath easier every time you log into facebook. 🙂

Post # 4
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

To be totally honest, it sounds like this is a pattern for you.  From your own story, you haven’t had a relationship in the last 5 years where you weren’t contacting/thinking about/propositioning an ex.  Sure, the ex in the first two relationships turned out to be the guy you are meant to be with, but you’ve carried over that quasi-commitment pattern into your relationship with your Fi.  It seems like you have a habit of not fully committing to your relationships; you always have that other person in the back of your mind that makes it impossible for you to fully commit to the person you’re with now.  It sounds like you started the pattern because you knew that your Fi was the right person for you all along, but now that you’re with the right person, it’s hard to break off that bad habit; hence you continue contacting D even though your Fi doesn’t like it.

Knowing that you have a pattern of continuing relationships with exes, it seems even more dangerous to continue your contact with D.  We all have our bad habits we bring into relationships, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be overcome.  My advice is to cut all contact with D.  Stop looking at his or his girflfriend’s facebook page.  When those “what if” thoughts pop into your mind, redirect your thoughts to your relationship with your Fi instead.  Stop allowing yourself to fall into the old pattern of thinking about an ex.  Who cares what he thinks?  All that matters is what you and your Fi think. 

Getting rid of the distraction of D and fully engaging in your Fi is bound to have good effects on your relationship, too.  You already said you have a hard time being in the moment with your Fi.  Don’t you think a part of that is because you’re giving so much energy and attention to D and what D thinks and what D is doing?  Give up D and direct your time and energy to your Fi instead; only good things can come out of being more committed and more passionate in your relationship with your Fi.  🙂 

Post # 5
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Deleting your access to the facebook pictures of the ex might help you focus your full energies on your fiance. However, I think you also need to address the underlying problem in order for it to fully resolve, which is something you might do in personal counseling. MrsSpring is onto something here. Your behavior is saying that something deeper is going on with you. It sounds like you have a hard time putting all your eggs in one basket and truly committing to one person—and for good reason, because it’s really hard to do.

What you have to figure out is what purpose the ex is serving in your life. Is he serving as your secret backup partner—the one who you would run to if your relationship with your fiance collapsed?

At one time in my life I was dealing with second-guessing who I should be with. I found I could delete or eliminate every physical reminder of an ex but still end up thinking about them every day because they would show up at night in my dreams. And who can control what they dream? I had to really confront what purpose thinking about these people in that way was serving in my life, and assess how that fit in with my current relationship. You will learn something about your true feelings about commitment. The point is not that you never think of the ex again but that you commit yourself wholeheartedly to your marriage.

But don’t be too hard on yourself—being fully present in every moment is next to impossible! Relationships are not vast expanses of totally connected moments. Mostly they are just two people living their lives alongside one another, with moments of great connection interspersed.

Post # 6
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Facebook is the devil.  i think it would be in your best interest to remove him (at a minimum) from your friends list, as well as any mutual friends you all have so that you dont feel the urge to look at his friends’ pages.  After an ex and I broke up and he moved back home (to the other side of the globe) closure was one thing that was hard to get due to Facebook.  I decided to close down my site once and for all (and myspace as well) and havent looked back, 2.5 years later.  I feel like those sites bring with it unnecessary drama and stress.  I feel like the people in your life who are TRULY your friends will still be your friends after getting off those sites..(hey you still have an email and a cell phone, right?)  Hate to sound like an old biddy (im 26 so im only 4 years removed from college!!!!) but it was the BEST thing I could have done for myself, in terms of moving on.  A good friend of mine was so obsessed with her ex that even a few years after SHE broke up with him, she found out via facebook that he was engaged, and she lost her mind.  Went absolutely nuts…Her issues with this reminded me how sad it is to see people get sooo caught up in something that, at the end of the day, doesnt even matter.

good luck to you!

Post # 7
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Remove him. Your Fiance isn’t ok with it and it sounds like it’s making you both too nostalgic.

Post # 8
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

hmmmm…i think i agree with the pp. FB is probably not the problem.

Are you sure you are ready to get married? I dont give a rat’s butt how any of my ex’s are doing. I hope their lives dont suck but I am not actively trying to contact them or find out about their new relationships.

I think it is unfair of you to be actively planning a wedding while still wondering regularly about what your ex is up to.  If I found out that my now husband was very interested in the lives of his ex’s 2 months before our wedding, I probably would have postponed.

These guys are ex’s for a reason.  Before you ruin what you have with D, keep that in mind.


Post # 10
5972 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

To be honest, I really wonder if the issue is that you got into a serious relationship with your Fiance before you had time to fully heal from D.  Doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be with Fiance or anything, just means that you didn’t allow yourself time to fully heal so that you were ready to be in a new relationship.

From your post it looks like you got into your relationship with Fiance about 4 months after ending your 3 year, very serious realtionship with D.  That’s fast.  I’ve always found that there is a natural time frame it takes for you to get over someone – both emotionally and as a habbit.  Whenever I’ve been in a relationship and ended it happily, I’ve still thought about the person (sometimes wistfully eventhough I have no desire to get back together) for months later.  They used to be a huge feature in your life, this is normal.  And then, eventually, you start to realize that they aren’t crossing your mind much and you aren’t wondering what they’re up to.  And you’re free.

I personally think that cutting ties (not becoming enemies, but no texting, no phone calls, no IM, no facebook) during this time is very important.  Even if it’s just friendly, a phone call or IM chat will prolong the period it takes for you to forget them as part of your habbits, routines, and support system.  If I were you I’d litterally delete him from your IM, block him from your facebook, and erase his phone number from your cell.  I really think it makes a difference.

But I’m no therapist and I don’t even know you – so maybe I’m way off base!  If (as you said in yoru follow up post) you’ve always been drawn to the idea of therapy, I say go for it.  I see your a teacher – you probably have pretty good medical benifits.  Check with your HR department as to what kind of coverage you have for seeing therapists.

Post # 11
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

that sounds wonderful girl!!! i think that is a great step.  I know what you mean, feeling like people don’t care about you…its happened to me before, plenty of times…you run into an old friend from college and you still have their number in your phone, but they don’t have yours….i mean, the thought of it sucks at first, but when it comes down to it, what  matters is that you are happy with the people who are still very much a large part of your life, and that those people make it so that you are a large part of theirs as well. 

And although I dont know you, you do mean something.  You are very special to your Fiance, to your family, to your close friends….thats all that should matter!!!! FaceBook makes it seem like we are only as important as the amount of friends we have on there, when real friendships and relationships mean soooo much more than that.

Post # 13
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

facebook is the devils work and im glad you have deleted the links…. stalking ex’s and their current partners is a very very dangerous thing to be doing when you are committed to another person – especially as your Fiance doesnt want you to have contact with that person

focus on the now and future and let go of the past… goodluck and well done

Post # 14
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Your ex is an ex for a reason. Don’t sabotage your happiness with your current Fiance over this guy… get him out of your head. It’s important to cut ties completely!!

Post # 15
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You have inspired me… I wrote a hecka long comment and then realized I should just start a post. 🙂

Kudos to you for standing to your guns and walking away!!!

Post # 16
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I would think very hard about the word commitment and what it means in a marriage.  You are called engaged, because you have chosen to be fully engaged with your Fiance.  A rare maybe once a year, hey what’s new with an ex is ok, but talking on a regular basis is not healthy even if your Fiance is ok with it.  You are losing focus on your relationship.  Out of sight and out of mind is the motto!

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