- 9 years ago
- Wedding: October 2009
I met my fiance 5 years ago. We dated for a few months (I was 20 and a sophmore in college) and then I dumped him. I was FI’s first gf and he was raised with very old school values, listening to stories of how his grandfather proposed to his grandmother on their first meeting, and she was the first and only person he ever loved, or even kissed. So I devastated him, and I didn’t really have a good reason for it, I was just naive and feeling like I needed to keep my options open. He got into a serious relationship about 2 months after I did. I regretted leaving him almost immediately and thought about getting back together with him almost daily. I tried to focus on my current relationship, but we were doomed. We spent almost 3 years fighting and breaking up, before I finally ended it once and for all.
Periodically, when my ex and I were on the outs, I asked my Fiance about getting back together since he was unhappy in his relationship as well, but it was never a good time, and I moved on.
Then I met D. I pursued him and we became good friends before anything romantic happened. I really thought that he was someone special, and before we got really serious (about 2 mos in), I im’d Fiance about our possible future together. He was still with his now ex, and stated that while he thought about us getting back together, she stood by him through touch times, so he owed her to stick it out. (ona side note she’s a diagnosed bipolar who put him through hell). I gave up, and sunk all of myself into my relatioship with D. About a month or two after the im conversation with Fiance, D found it on my computer and read it. We had a huige fight about it, but worked things out. Things were good, but as we went on we had some bigger issues come up. He was OCD and had panick attacks. He smoked and drank a beer or two every single night. Because of his ex, he feared me cheating on him, and feared the family drama he went through with her happening if he met my family. We were together 2 years, when I ended things. We went to couples counseling to make sure we were making the right decision. I know, to my core, that I made the right decision.
When I was drunk with my roommates, about two nights after D and I ended things, I im’d Fiance and told him we needed to see each other, his relationship was not making him happy and he and I were supposed to be together. About two months later, and a few sober conversations later, we saw each other again. We’d kept in touch, but by email and im. About two months after that, without seeing each other, while he dealt with his gf and the aftermath of their breakup, we were dating. We took things slow and really got to know each other again. Here we are 1.5 yrs later, very happy and solid in our relationship.
D and I have sent the occasional im or email, usually at the holidays. He’s in a realtionship, which I only know thanks to Facebook. Fiance hates D, for the sole reason that he’s my ex, and “you aren’t friends with your ex”. The other night D im’d me and we talked. He’s pretty mature and has told me that our time together was special and he’ll always care about me. But somewhere I guess I wonder what he really thinks, knowing I ended up with Fiance, who we had a huge fight about early on. As if that undermined our entire relationship and made it mean nothing. I decided that we’ve barely talked at all since we ended things (and I moved across the state) and I might as well ask the questions i think about – ie. does he think poorly of me because I am with Fiance now?
I wonder if Facebook didn’t exist if I’d think about him as much. He has his photos blocked from me, but I can see his gf’s page and photos and know they are together and look happy. I feel like Facebook puts it right in your face, that you’ve been replaced, even if you are doing the exact same thing, as is the nature of relationships. I wonder if i’d think about him if I didn’t have facebook to remind me of him – his friends/families updates, etc… Would it be better if we severed all contact and I never heard about him or from him at all ever again? I think we really respect each other as people, but does that matter since we are exes? Doesn’t being exes automatically mean that we need to end the contact and possible friendship? I know my Fiance has old school values and would be happy if I never heard his name again, or ever thought about him.
Do I delete him and anyone I knew through him from my facebook? Does it make a difference in my thoughts? Will I think about him more if I don’t have any inkling about what he is up to? I feel like facebook makes closure impossible. We had a very friendly, hearfelt, and tearful good bye the day I moved. I cried most of the three hour trip. And then we talked a few times after I moved. Then we stopped calling each other. I think about him a lot and I guess I just don’t want to. I am so happy with Fiance. Why can’t I stop thinking about the past and just be present with FI? I have such a hard time in the moment just being with him for more than a few minutes. We do a lot of things together, and we love each other, but I sometimes feel like I can’t sit still and just be there. I’m trying harder, and its getting better. But what do I do about my ex? Will cutting him out completely even make a different? I guess I’m just trying to sort it all out.