(Closed) Keeping work/home separate, need advice to talk to DH

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

He sounds like me with my old job. I basically became a bitch because I hated my job so much but it wasn’t like people were knocking down my door to hire me so I was stuck. I worked at a daycare so I would complain about the politics of it, the horrible pay, horrible hours, etc. Darling Husband (then FH) clearly got fed up, he made a rule that when I got home I had 10 min to complain (if I needed an extra 5 he’d give me that) but its was 10-15 full minutes of non-stop bitching, he’d listen and then that was it. When we’d go out and I’d see kids (again I was just in a bad place) and he would remind me that I shouldn’t call them little bastards just because I got peed on that day.

He set boundaries and while I didn’t always like them it made sense. Is that something you could possibly do with your husband? Let him know that you want to hear about his work just not all the time?

Edit: I should add that when Darling Husband first told me to stop he did kind of snap and then he was very delicate about how he approached me. He was blunt and just said something like, “I love you but I hate when you complain all the time, it makes you mean and I don’t want you mean.” Tough but fair.

Post # 4
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

Can you sit down and discuss putting a time limit on work talk?  Tell him you know how stressful his job is, but you work hard too (and soon to work even harder with the baby).  You want him to have an outlet to get his frustrations out, but then it’s time to move on with family/home life.  For example, he can come home and he can rant and rave and complain about work for 45 minutes while you cook dinner, but then once the 45 minutes is up, no more work talk for the rest of the night. 

ETA: Looks like june42011 beat me to it! =)

Post # 5
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My Fiance has a tough job too, I do get annoyed with the work talk, but I also think of it as I’m the only person he can speak openly about it. He can chat with others at work about work issues, but he risks it coming back to bite him if someone tells his boss. Let him have his vent session if need be, but change the subject. Thats all I do. Chat about something else to get his mind off of work. Pick activities or movies that have nothing to do with his work, not even alittle! Talk about your job for once! Or your day!

Post # 6
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My ex-husband asked me not to talk about work at home.  I stopped talking to him.  I am at work 50-60 hours per week…I had nothing else to talk about.  Shrug. 

 

Post # 7
Member
4284 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I worked at a job I absolutely hated!! Our rule still to this day is… Come home, vent, don’t bring it up again for the rest of the night. He may need to switch jobs sooner than later. That is all that worked for me when I was miserable. Good Luck.

Post # 8
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I can totally understand what you mean and how you feel.  DH has gone through patches like this with his workplace and I would get at my WITS end when he’d come home and complain and complain and complain about the same things over and over and over.

I know how draining it can be for the spouse who ends up hearing it.  

I agree it’s a fine line and I don’t have any magic answer for you.

I ended up hoping and praying it would blow over and he’d work through his frustrations and get to a place where you could find things to appreciate about his job.  

I would remind myself that I am his only source of venting.  I once read something about how females typically share their thoughts and feelings with many people, but men tend to only share those deep feelings with their SO.  I realized that he needed that time in a safe place to be able to vent those frustrations.

In turn, I did everything I could to give myself enough of what I needed to be able to cope with all that was going on at home.  If that was a night out with friends, etc – I found ways to still make life enjoayble – even though things were very doom and gloom at home.

I will say that even though Darling Husband is in the same job environment he hates – the horrid days have passed.  I’ve noticed it kind of goes in a cycle – maybe 3 months of doom and gloom. Do you find that there are some times that are more bearable than others?  Or is he in an extended period of doom and gloom.

What helped Darling Husband out of his funk was the hope of something else.  We started seriously job hunting and applying and that’s what’s helped him most.  Since it sounds like you guys have a plan to move  – what about researching things in the new area and giving him things to hope/dream about  – along with reminders of a different future??

 

Post # 9
Member
4284 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wedding Bee is giving me troubles… double post 🙁

Post # 10
Member
3099 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i like the idea of putting a time limit on it. my SO complains about work a lot and i try to be understanding, but it gets frustrating. reminds me of chris rock listening to his gf talk about work “uh huh, yup, i know, told you that b*tch is crazy!”

45 min seems long, like it could bring the whole night down, but 15 min is tolerable.

Post # 11
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m going through the same thing with Darling Husband. He HATES his job, and with good reason.  But I just can’t listen to him vent about it all the time.  Yesterday, I pretty much said that we’ve got to find a way for him to feel OK or at the very least not completely miserable about going to work.  Both for his own mental health, and because “it’s wearing on me too.”  He immediately apologized. Thing is, I do feel really bad for him – his ego is taking a huge hit at his job AND he’s trying to find something else and not having much luck. But we can’t make this horrible thing the focus of our lives.  We didn’t put a specific time limit on it his venting, but I think he understands that I’m happy to listen, but it can’t go on forever.

Post # 14
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

@LAGS:  Hope it goes well.  Keep us updated with whatever you and he decide on.  =)

Post # 15
Member
2233 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think PPs gave you some great advice. I just wanted to add that Fiance & I were in this same position a while ago. He hated his job, would come home with headaches every single day and he would complain about it non stop but at the same time any suggestions I gave to him to improve the situation were not good enough. I finally had it one day because it was wearing me down to listen to him every day and have to build him back up. Also, his headaches made him pretty useless and miserable to be around. I honestly believe that he had NO clue how exhausting it was for me to deal with his work stresses. 

Our solution was this, he had to a) start looking for another job b) start seriously looking for a promotion at his place and c) look into further schooling if he needed it for a or b. I told him he could always come home and bitch about work but that he needed to take an active role in improving the situation otherwise I can’t give a crap. In the end a few months later he got a promotion (and a whole slew of other stressors)!

Hope it goes well!! The time limit idea is perfect!

Post # 16
Member
6344 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

I agree with the idea of a time-limit. I’d probably sit him down and talk about how you feel; stress that you understand that his job is extremely stressful, and that you feel it’s important that he feels able to talk through it with you, but gently explain that you think maybe he’s spending too much time and energy thinking about it. Then suggest that you have a set period, maybe straight after work when he gets home, where he can vent to his heart’s content for say, 20 minutes, and that after that, work talk stops, and you talk about happier, nicer things. Or, suggest that when he really really needs to vent, he does, but that he try to kind of prioritise. So I mean, if he’s been to the scene of a homicide, obviously he’s going to want to vent a lot; but if it’s something petty, like paper-work, or a colleague being slightly irritating, maybe he should see that these are just minor annoyances that really aren’t worth any time or energy ranting about.

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