Post # 1
I am a regular bee here who’s going under cover because SO knows I post here.
That said, I was talking to a friend tonight about money and savings accounts. We got talking about how we will handle our finances once married, and she brojght up the fact that she would always tell her Darling Husband how much is in her savings if they do not have a joint.
That got me thinking..SO and I are close to engagement. Dating a long time. We’ve always been honest with each other, except I haven’t told him one thing. He knows I have a savings account, but he assumes I have maybe a grand (both in our early 20s, still in school) saved…truth is, I have nearly 60K in my savings. I’ve been saving since I was 16.
Is it wrong of me not to tell him? After my friend said she would be upset if her bf or husband held money from her, it made me wonder. I want to use these savings for emergencies only and I do not want anyone to persuade me otherwise, which is why nobody knows.
Thanks bees. 🙂
Post # 3
I personally wouldn’t feel right keeping something like that a secret from my Fiance.
I think secrecy and deceit (even over something that may not seem like a big deal) can be really really toxic in a marriage.
And what if you did need to use it later on down the line for an emergency? He’d find out then, and then I’m sure he’d feel very hurt and betrayed.
ETA: I’m sure that since you made that money all by yourself, he will be respectful of your wishes, especially if you explain to him that you’re very sensitive about that up-front if/when you break the news to him.
Post # 4
Interesting question. Firstly, good for you for saving all that! I’ve saved since I was 16 too, but I don’t have quite that much!
I’m guessing you don’t feel there would be any issues with him feeling differently towards you with the knowledge that you are somehow more “well off” than he thought? In any case, I’ve personally been honest with my fiance about my savings, but I don’t beat around the bush either. I tell him it is strictly there for eventually putting down a deposit on a house or absolute emergencies. The money is sitting abroad in the UK where we used to live and he often asks me to transfer money I owe him here in Canada into his UK account from my UK account, because his is slowly being depleted due to his student loan repayments and no UK income to top it up. Up to a point I’ve been fine with it, but now I tell him I’m only dealing with dollars if I owe him money because I don’t want to deplete my savings either (I can’t save here in Canada as I am a student). When I was younger, friends also occasionally gave me crap for being careful with money when I had “so much of it” sitting in the bank. Yes, that’s for a reason. Because I don’t splurge it all on endless clubbing holidays, hello.
Wow, that was long-winded, so apologies. I guess what I am saying is perhaps it is best to be honest considering you probably want to spend the rest of your life with this man, but it’s okay to be completely clear about what you intend to do (or not do) with that money. And of course, when you marry, just bear in mind that if you were to divorce he’d technically be entitled to half your marital assets, and your savings *I believe* would be included whether he knows about them or not.
Post # 5
My mother taught me to always have a little bit stashed away in your own untouchable account. Now my mum is 60 and happily married for 40 years but she was brought up in a time where most women stopped working and raised a family and were fairly reliant on their husband and their money and it was hard for women especially with children to leave a marriage. So I can kind of see the point to having a secret stash of money- not necessarily to leave a marriage (but it would help if you are ever in that situation) but a just in case fund- just in case you or someone needs help, loses a job etc.
But $60K is a lot of money to have in a secret account. I think he should know about it but not necessarily have access to it uless he is bringing about the same to the marriage. Pre-engagement honeslty unless you are living together I would allude to having a savings account if asked but not reveal the amount.
Post # 6
I think since he is still a Boyfriend or Best Friend and not an Fiance he doesn’t really need to know at this point. I think as soon as he proposes and makes that permanent connection to you, then that is the time to reveal the amount. Its not like you have out and out lied about having money put away. Has he ever asked you specifically about the money or just assumed?
I think when you do eventually tell him, you should set strict rules about it and make him understand your intentions for the money and never budge. It is your money,
Post # 7
I’d tell him…but, I can understand why you want to keep it a secret. That’s a lot of money, and a lot of time you’ve been saving, so you deserve to do with it what you want. If it was me, I would be honest with him about it and just also tell him that it’s your emergency fund and that’s what you’re using it for. I’m sure he’d understand. If you’re about to get engaged, you’re going to have to have these conversations about finances and you don’t want to start your life together hiding something that big from him.
Post # 8
Fact: 1) If you file your taxes jointly and your money is in a savings account or dividends, the interest will need to be declared as income. 2) If you are later divorced, the savings account will be part of your assets you need to declare.
Opinion: If you’re engaged, he should know how much money/debt you are bringing to the marriage (and you the same for him) because you will be making decisions together for the good of your household and he (and you) should know what the family assets/means/abilities actually are. If you’re not engaged and you don’t feel like telling him and marriage is iffy and there’s no real joint finances, then you don’t need to say anything yet.
Question: Do you have reason to suspect your bf would be too free with your money or some other thing? I asked my SO what he thought about your post and he wondered why you wouldn’t tell your fi/husband, he thought there must be a reason.
(Because we have seperate accounts, my SO’s and my money is our own. We have an agreement on how much we will spend on rent/food/utilities and we try to split it evenly so we both are able to save something for ourselves for retirement/fun money etc. We know what we both have in savings because we want to make joint purchases in the future and in case of emergency, what we could spend if we had to. I would be worried if he didn’t tell me what he had, not daily purchases, just the total savings number)
Post # 9
I would be telling him.
Hubby and I have a joint account, and then seperate accounts also. He has a SIGNIFICANT amount of savings, and whilst I do not consider that MY or OUR money (we have joint savings) I would be pissed off if he had not told me about it. Really, really pissed off.
Post # 10
He knows you have a savings account. That is all he needs to know.
You are the one who knows him best. If he knows about the cash, would he make a plan for it? Would it burn a hole in his pocket?
I personally wouldn’t tell him. I’d keep if aside in case of a layoff, college fund for you or your children, or maybe even a wedding fund for down the road.
Ive started such type of fund for my dh and I. He does not know I set aside $300 from my paycheck for us every month on top of what is already going in our joint savings. Hopefully I’ll build up a good little stash for us we can use in an emergency or eventually do something completely frivolous with it.
And one last quick note, my father in law knows about the account. 🙂
Post # 11
I was in a similar situation. Have a significant savings account plus a few other things. My Fiance didn’t know until he became my Fiance. I didn’t want someone proposing because they thought I had money. I don’t necessarily think its wrong as long as you are honest about it once you are engaged IMO.
Post # 12
I don’t know if I’d rush to tell him now…but…yeah. You have to tell him at some point about those savings. If you think he’ll persuade you to spend them unwisely, then don’t marry him, because you’ll argue about financials constantly.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t tell him because all he is going to see is $$$.
I would keep it secret until very close to the wedding… so he is not marrying you for that money.
Post # 14
If he respects you, he would be fine with whatever you do with the money. If it is your money, it’s not like marrying you would give him any access to it if you had seperate finances.
I really don’t think it’s a good idea for couples to lie about money in long term relationships. You have to respect each other enough and believe that he isn’t going to be with you for just money.
Post # 15
Think of it this way… If the situation was reversed and he had all of that money tucked away, wouldn’t you want to know? I know I would. Up until recently Darling Husband and I had separate savings accounts but we always knew ballpark of what the other had.
As everyone knows, money is one of the biggest issues in a marriage. Normally it’s a result of having too little but I could see something like this causing a problem as well.
Post # 16
@leavethepieces: Yes, I think it’s wrong. If an emergency pops up after marriage (say Fiance is in the ER – heaven forbid – and has some huge, uncovered-by-health-insurance expense or your car entirely dies and he needs a new one for work ASAP), how do you think he would feel if he’s sitting there, worried helplessly about how to pay for this, how to tell you all this, where you’ll get the money and you pop up and go “Don’t worry honey – I’ve got this one.” If I were him in that case, I wild be extremely hurt and wonder if you weren’t hiding that away as a “just in case you leave me” fund.
What do YOU want to do with that money? If it’s for emergencies, don’t you think that includes him after you are married? If it’s for our future kids, aren’t they his future kids as well. If you’re worried he might “marry you just for the money” or try and spend it, talk about that NOW before marriage. In marriage, money is one of the most common things to cause strive. Set out a stragedy on how you’ll deal with money (joint money or otherwise) now will only help your relationship and head off any concerns long-term. Good luck!