Post # 1
Caution…this is long sorry!:
I have been friends with this girl since we were 3/4 years old. We were bestfriends throught grade school, middle/high school, and some of college. We sort of drifted apart in college and during our senior year hardly spoke. After college we got together maybe 4-5 times/year to have lunch or dinner (we only lived 30 min away from eachother too). She moved recently and we now rarely talk.
When she read on facebook that I was engaged she didn’t write a congrats, she called and left a message on mine and Mr. M’s machine saying “Congrat-u-F*cking-lations” (yeah just what I always pictured someone saying to me about one of the best days of my life. WTF!) Then finally called over a month later to give a semi-heartfelt congrats. I knew I didnt want to ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man but during that convo she acted so excited and promised to come home for fittings, planning etc. So I caved and asked her.
She came home a week or so ago and we were supposed to meet (just us) for dinner so I could show her wedding stuff and she then changed plans b/c she was just too busy to meet me individually (b/c she was too busy going to bars with other friends) and wanted me to go meet her for lunch with about 15 other people. I said no, that I wanted to discuss wedding stuff and she said we could discuss it over the phone! (sidenote: I cannot show you my wedding planning album over the phone). I ended up saying I would drive to her mothers house after I went to my aunts birthday dinner. I didn’t end up doing either because I got a horrible migraine and ended up sleeping. But I did message her on facebook (no cell service at my house) that I was sorry and maybe we could get together next time. I have yet to hear anything back from her, so I’m assuming she is mad because I didn’t meet her.
I feel like she doesn’t care about my wedding at all, she hasn’t done or asked me anything about it and never calls me (unless it’s for advice about one of the many losers she is dating). I feel like she is selfish and I just don’t want her to ruin my day by being an absentee bridesmaid. I know we have just grown apart and are leading 2 completely different lives.
How do I tell her I think it would be better if she wasn’t in the wedding? Is there a nice way to say this to someone? Should I wait and see if she steps up to the plate and helps? I also contemplated going about my planning with other bridesmaids and just not asking for any of her help and when she says what can I do just saying nothing like you’ve been doing and btw you aren’t in the wedding (i know it’s too mean but it’s how I feel).
Post # 3
I think might be a little hard on her. Both of you didn’t meet up like you said you would. Besides you have plenty of time to discuss with her what your plans are. Also keep in mind that everyone else isn’t going to be that much in to your wedding plans as us Brides are. My bridesmaids don’t know the details of my wedding plans. They’ve never seen my planning album, etc. I asked them all to pick out a dress from David’s Bridal and they have. To get upset because some of them haven’t called me in a month or so isn’t fair to them. If you still have problems with her in a few months then reconsider but I think right now it is too soon.
Post # 4
I don’t think you should be upset that she called you and congratulated you on the engagement the way she did. From your story, it sounds like you didn’t even call her to tell her the news, but then expected her to congratulate you right away. I think a phone call is waaay better than a facebook message. So I guess I don’t understand why you are upset about that.
It sounds to me like she does want to make an effort and does want to hear about your wedding. You said that you are upset because she never calls you, but do you call her to initiate any planning or just chatting and catching up?
Is there something else going on with her that’s upsetting you? Are your other bridesmaids showing a lot more interest than she is? You at least should let her know what you expect of her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and give her time before you go kicking her out.
Post # 5
Your wedding is not going to be as important to her as it is to you. Don’t expect her to fawn all over it, that’s unrealistic.
if you’re prepared to end the friendship over a lack of enthusasm and a poorly timed f-bomb, that is what you’re effectively doing by kicking her out of the party,
Post # 6
There really isn’t a “nice” way of telling someone you don’t want them in your wedding party anymore. In fact, I’m a huge advocate of once you ask someone, you have to hold up your end of the deal unless something major happens.
Honestly it doesn’t sound like this Bridesmaid or Best Man is doing anything wrong. Keep in mind that wedding party members don’t necessarily have to help you plan the wedding. They need to get their outfits, show up for wedding-related events and be there on the wedding day. That’s really it. Throwing parties, listening to all your plans and helping out is really icing on the cake.
Just to put things in perspective, we had to ask a groomsman to step down. It was awful, but the situation was extreme. He did a complete 180 after he accepted our invitation to be in the wedding party. He started spreading really awful rumors about us to family members, tried to get people to boycott our wedding, etc. And it all came out of nowhere. The relationship was already ruined, so much so that my husband couldn’t even look at him without feeling completely sad, and we knew the relationship was beyond repair, so we all mutually decided he should step-down from the wedding party. It was awful.
So that is a good reason to kick someone out. I would wait and give your Bridesmaid or Best Man a few more chances. If she goes crazy, consider asking her to step down. If her only crime is disinterest (which is more common that you know), well then, let her stay 🙂
Post # 7
Yeah, I have to agree with the pps. Sure she shouldn’t have assumed she’d be asked. And it probably took you off guard. But admitting that you haven’t seen her in a while, you still asked her. So I kind of think you’re stuck. Also since it sounds like she’s Out of Town and not home that often, maybe she really felt like she was trying to visit as many people as she can while she’s home. I can totally relate to that.
Also, I don’t think that she needs to be required to look though your entire wedding planning album. (Especially if she is in town for a limited time.) And under the circumstances in which you asked her (not feeling that close to her anymore) I would try to just allow her to help out in ways she feels she can, if she can, or wants to. You know let your BMs know what your going to be doing, and just to let you know if they’re interested. Otherwise, just stick to the basics with her. (Getting measured for her dress, paying for it, buying accessories etc.)
Post # 8
I did try to call her and tell her about the engagement, I never got a call back, also I couldn’t call everyone of my friends/family so I posted a facebook message. I have tried to call her and she never returns my calls.
I don’t expect her to be as happy as I am about my wedding but all my other bridesmaids are excited and helping me with ideas etc and I can’t even get this girl to call me back about looking on the website for bridesmaids dresses.
When I mention her not calling me back she says “I’m busy” well yes I understand you have a life, I’m busy too but at least call me back at some point.
I guess I’ll wait it out and see how things pan out. I know the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses need to be ordered by mid June at the latest, if she doesn’t step up by then (getting fitted I mean), I guess she won’t be in it because she won’t have anything to wear.
Post # 9
I think you should communicate your feelings to her. Maybe try to take a trip to where she’s living or set aside some time for you too to talk, not just about the wedding. It seems like more than the wedding is going on here. Communication is key in any relationship. If you just keep her as a bridesmaid because it is the “right” thing to do; you’ll only resent her more and blow up on her at some point. Talk to her now about your feelings. I’m sure she has no clue that you take her behavior as insensitive and selfish. You’re entitled to feel the way you do; but the only mature thing is to communicate with her about these feelings instead of assuming things about her. Good luck.
Post # 10
Keep in mind you still have a lot of time until your wedding. Not everyone is wedding-obsessed. I have girlfriends who want to know every detail and girlfriends who don’t give a s**t about any of the wedding details except that they are invited and there is an open bar. Don’t let it get to you. It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything extreme except for not be overly interested in the planning process, but getting involved in the planning details isn’t really the job of a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Would it be nice for you if she was more excited/involved? Sure. But I don’t really think she’s done anything to warrant getting the boot. It’s a very serious, friendship-ending decision to kick someone out.
Post # 11
I agree with the pps.. It sounds to me you are a bit harsh on her. You still have quite a bit of time for any BMs to do anything for you at this point. I also think that you are supposed to ask someone to be your bridesmaid because you are close to her and want her to stand next to you when you say your vows. That’s really the main thing. It’s not about whether they are willing to help or not or how much help they’ll offer. I don’t really see anything that she’s done wrong; except maybe being a flake about returning phone calls, but then again, you stlil have plenty of time and she’s in no hurry to call you right back. My BMs don’t know all of my plans, and I am doing fine.
Also as other pps have said, you already asked her to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man, and she seems pretty excited to be one. I don’t think she deserves to be kicked out of the bridal party unless she’s done something horribly wrong.
Perhaps talk to her and tell her your expectations from her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man so she can better meet them. I am guessing she has no idea how you feel and think things are just peachy.
Post # 12
June is a long time away. Tell her what dress to order and when she needs to. Tell her when the showers and b-party are. Include her with emails with other maids. As long as she shows up in the right dress for the wedding with a smile on her face, she’s done her job. Not every maid wants or needs to know your wedding details, that is an unfair expectation.
Post # 13
I guess there is just more going on than I can convey via the internet which is why I feel like I’m being attacked. No I don’t expect a bridesmaid to do everything for me and help plan etc but I do expect a bm to at least act happy for me which is something she has yet to do. Also it’s not as simple as her just ordering a dress, she needs to fly up to get measured, order the dress, then come up for final fitting/alterations. I made all of this perfectly clear to her and she was supposed to at least get measured when she came up last week (so she wouldn’t have to make another trip) but she didn’t do that. Also everyone keeps saying it’s so far away, maybe it is but for personal reasons I need things to be done ahead of time and she knows this. Also I have included her in emails etc, I have gotten no response.
I’ve tried to include her in not just the wedding but my life and be involved in hers and she clearly doesn’t make any effort. I guess we’ll just see what happens. But I just wanted everyone to know it’s more than the wedding that is our problem.
Thanks for the help.
Post # 14
It sounds to me like you are more concerned about the fact that your friendship has waned and that you guys have these separate lives. It also sounds like you were hoping that your wedding would be a way for you two to get closer again but are disappointed that that hasnt’ been the case. I wouldn’t kick her out of the wedding unless you are ready to end the friendship, because that is more than likely what will happen.
Also, she doesn’t have to fly up to get measured, she can just call and tell them their measurements. She can order the dress and have it sent to her, and take it to a seamstress of her choosing in her home town. So, ordering the dress doesn’t have to be such a huge expensive deal.
Post # 15
curious as to how it turned out. though I did just get kicked from a wedding because I can’t make the bridal shower I am on your side. it’s your day and you need to know your friends are there %100 for you. weddings are stresfull. if you can’t communicate and she doesn’t try to make an effort to be involved then I would be upset to. I hope things turned out well for you. but since I just went through this I will say think about if the friendship is worth keeping. it could be the end. (guess more like future advice to others since you already had your day) hope it was wonderful
Post # 16
Very old thred glad I noticed before I read all of that…lol