(Closed) Kid question

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

If they are allowed one kid, its hard to “disallow” another. You can offer the option, but if they don’t like it then you have to allow the kid. 

The problem with allowing one kid is it opens the doors to others.

Post # 4
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Usually I am anti-kid, but since they are from out of town, that is a little trickier.

Is there any place very near by (Mcdonald’s playland?) where a babysitter can watch the little one during the ceremony and then he can come to the reception?  Honestly, you probably wouldn’t notice him at the reception.  However, he could be extremely disruptive during the ceremony.

The babysitter could be a neighbor, trusted teenager from your church, etc.  It would only be for a couple hours.

The parents may not even want to bring the little one, because they want to be able to enjoy an adult evening.  That was the attitude of my friends and most of my family.

Post # 6
Member
46680 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think that because the only child you want at the wedding is in the wedding party, it is totally acceptable to ask that they not bring the baby.

I would speak with them directly and say that you are not having any children at the wedding other than their 10 yr old, that you realize that being from out of town they will not know any sitters in the area, and ask them if they would like you to arrange a nanny for them or if they would like to do it themselves.

That way, they know that the question of his attendance is not up for discussion, just who they want to arrange childcare.

Post # 7
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ll be honest, I can’t imagine not allowing one of my nephew to attend, ESPECIALLY when his brother is a part of the wedding party. Honestly, it blows my mind a little bit.

If he happens to squirm, isn’t there a parking lot , a building or something that your Future Sister-In-Law could take him to? All of your guests have to be coming from somewhere, so walking away with him has to be an option.

I would find it very difficult to tell my brother he could only bring one of his children.

Post # 8
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You really cannot invite one of their children but not the other. I would just put the other one in the wedding as well, even if it’s in name only. Otherwise you’ll get other relatives wanting to bring their kids. 

Post # 9
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Lulabelle:   I think you should allow the baby at the wedding especially since the little one’s sibling will be there in the wedding. 12 months is not yet toddler age and not too unmanageable – they’ll will also give guests a talking point.  My FI’s sister was married last year and his cousin brought their 14 month old and he was magnificient.  Also they make for good photo ops!

Post # 10
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

We wanted an adult only reception,  but FI’s family have a few cousins that are younger (7, 12ish, then later teenagers), and I’ve got nieces and nephews. I decided to only invite those specific people – and cut it off at cousins. With my side, my cousins all have kids, so I have to set a cut off somewhere.

Honestly – I’d just invite nieces/nephews and cut it off there. It’s different since they are your siblings kids. For my wedding, I’ll have a 4 month old attending, my newest nephew. While I worry about the ceremony, I know her husband will walk away with him if need be. Same went for my other siblings wedding a few years ago – there we a 3 month old and 2 year old. They took them aside during the ceremony when they started making noise.

There’s always a parked car, or just a walk down the street.

Post # 11
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

It does sound like a very difficult situation for this family. Daycares and Nannies work very hard for that age group in providing consistency and familiarity to ease the transitions for these babies who are at the separation anxiety stage of their development. This is a circumstance where the baby would have to be left with a strange caregiver in an unfamiliar place at an unusual time: my friends who have run daycares call this the “four hours continuous wailing” scenario. Of course it would be four hours of continuous wailing where neither you nor the baby’s mother need to listen to it, so it wouldn’t be your problem.

Because really, what other options do the family have? They cannot politely “regret to decline” your invitation: the husband is best man! Mom cannot just stay home with the children: her elder child (son? daughter? you call the child a “nephew” in one place and a “daughter” in another — there are only two children in this scenario, right?) probably needs her to be there to help him/her get ready and to look after him/her later in the evening while the best man attends to other duties. She could, I suppose, just hang out in a parked car or nearby hotel room, being “on call” to take care of the ten-year-old, but that doesn’t sound like much fun for her.

For a working mother (which is statistically the norm and which might be inferred from the fact that her son is often in daycare) family weekends can be a precious commodity. Your fiance’s brother must hold the two of you in very high regard, to be willing to give up a family weekend to this much disruption, in order to be able to stand up for you.

 

Post # 12
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Lulabelle: As a non parent but an aunt I would be offended (nice gesture though) but I would feel that one kid got preferance after another. Trust me , mothers know their children best so if he is fuzzy or cranky the mother will know and just take him up front.  

How would you like your friends to suggest a nanny that you have never met and leave your precious child with a stranger to party away. I would opt not to attend it, would create a problem with the bride.

Post # 13
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

I felt the exact same way but rolled the dice anyway. During the ceremony, our 2 year old flower girl almost threw herself off the cliff we got married on (see pics of our ceremony) but the closest adult wrangled her in. Most of the kids we were obligated to invite left immediately after dessert which was a relief (get the cranky pants out of here, lol!). 30% of the adults and the ONLY 2 children left were partying with us until the last second easy peasy.

Believe me, I was stressed about it too but it all worked out.

Post # 14
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

Kids are all or none. It’s not possible to play favorites without seriously offending others.

Post # 15
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It is a sticky situation because they’re from out of town, but I’m of the opinion that it’s your wedding and you get to call the shots. I don’t think wanting an infant-free wedding is unreasonable in the slightest, especially considering you’re having an evening ceremony. I think @julies1949: gave great advice about how to broach the subject with them.

I am in a similar situation as you, and I will warn you that your FMIL/FFIL may not like your decision–mine didn’t. My fiance’s brother is in the wedding party and by the time our wedding happens, he will have 3 kids under 2. My fiance and I had planned on waiting to tell anyone we were having a child-free wedding since our wedding is still some time away, but his sister-in-law and mother kept making comments about the babies being present every time we talked about our wedding. We grew tired of it and broke the news to Future Mother-In-Law about our wedding being child-free, and she was not happy. I’m expecting the same reaction from my fiance’s brother and sister-in-law when we decide to tell them. I don’t feel bad about our decision at all–they’re local and they can easily find childcare.

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