(Closed) kid/guest list vent

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Ugh, frustrating. It’s so hard to draw the line and actually make sure that it doesn’t get crossed! I would try explaining your reasoning to your Future Mother-In-Law, especially citing the reason that if other relatives with kids show up and see that someone was allowed to bring theirs, they will likely be confused, upset, or offended. I feel like if you allow one, you have to allow them all, and if your case is like mine, there isn’t space or budget to afford that!

Post # 3
983 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

  Skittles131:  OMG.  The last couple of days I’ve been dealing with almost the exact same situation.  Except last night it blew up exponentially.  That branch of the family was saying they wouldn’t come if the kid couldn’t and it included Mr. S’s grandma so I felt horrible about it. Of course we want his grandma there!  So, after breathing deeply for a few minutes (ok, hours) I sat down and calmly wrote a very frank email to Mr. S’s mom.  I apologized for any misunderstanding as to whom was on the guest list.  I explained why we only invited nieces, nephews and godchildren. And explained the breakdown of the guestlist and the capacity of the venue – of which we are over by a handful. 

It seems his family understands now but it means the cousins with the child aren’t coming – even though we did extend an invite to the child after the fact since we want his grandma there.  We did make it clear though that we wouldn’t do it again if it came up anywhere else.  They ultimately decided not to come but the rest of the family will. 

It was a horribly awkward situation and I hate how upset Mr. S got over it but I get it, it’s his grandma! It seems the email really got through. 

Post # 4
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

I said HECK NO right after I read this “a distant cousin from step-dad’s family” it’s not even a close relative, so certainly not.

Post # 5
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Hm maybe that distant cousin shouldn’t have been invited in the first place? 

Post # 6
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

When your fiance asked you should have said very loudy, “FI, we have already talked about this and have decided children are not allowed. Have your mom tell the relative we will miss them.”

Post # 7
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Skittles131:  I would have Fiance CALL HIS mom and tell her you all discussed it, and no, the kid can’t come and no moe additional guests will be added. If she’s already told the cousin the kid can come, she will either need to call them back or your Fiance will have too.

Post # 9
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Skittles131:  He should also apologize and let his mom know that he made a rash decision without fully thinking about it and consulting you. You just don’t want it to come across in a way that you’re taking the blame for saying no.

Post # 10
2212 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Ugh.  I’m sorry you have to deal with this.  We are also only inviting close family kids that we actually spend time with (our niece and nephews, plus my little cousins).  Had to let a friend and a groomsman’s wife know that we weren’t able to invite other kids.  I don’t know why it’s so hard to figure out; the kiddos names were not on the invites.

When your Fiance calls his mom, make sure she also knows that the guest list is final and is not changing and bending rules for one family is unfair to other families.  Surely they can find a sitter or not attend.  I’d imagine since they’re a distant cousin from step-dad’s family you’re probably not so emotionally attached to whether they come or not.

Post # 11
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

you and your fi need to learn ‘that’s something to think about – we’ll discuss it and get back to you’. 

you shouldn’t have been put on the spot and your fi should have enough sense to know that you should talk it over first. that said – you should have simply said, ‘you and i need to talk about it, let your mom know we’ll call her tomorrow’ – problem solved.

Post # 13
67 posts
Worker bee

Skittles131:  Put your food down! Say no! Who cares if they can’t find a sitter. They’ll get over it. You should politely stand up to your Future Mother-In-Law. Tell her you appreciate her help and that she wants to be part of it but you are over the guest list and no one else will be invited. And just keep to your guns and say no.

Post # 14
4040 posts
Honey bee

Skittles131:  So the parents aren’t even on the guest list to begin with? I guess they’ll realize that they weren’t invited, when they don’t get an invitations. How presumptuous of your FMIL! I have no idea why distant relatives would even want to go to a wedding.   I know I wouldn’t.

Post # 15
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Skittles131:  Put your foot down. Tell your Future Mother-In-Law, in no uncertain terms NO! Weddings make everyone nutty and entitled. Ettiquette is 100% on YOUR side. Emily Post is in your corner telling Future Mother-In-Law to back the F off her girl—–but she is wearing pearls while she says it. People can just get over stuff. There is no logical reason a 4 year old that you have no connection to needs to be invited. Just say NO!


The answer is yes, I am a little b!tchy and cavalier. For reasons I won’t get in to Fiance and I have had to put off having our wedding and as annoying as it is it fills me with a strange clarity and the motto “to hell with everyone”.

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