Post # 1
Fiance has an enormous family. Because of this, we’re having the wedding in his hometown to accomodate. I want a smaller wedding (less than 100). Which would be totally possible if we said no kids.
However, Fiance has two neices, a nephew, and two second cousins he adores. I wouldn’t mind having them at the ceremony and reception. They’re absolute sweethearts (ages 3-14) But he has second and third cousins that are ages newborn to 13 that are ill-behaved and their parents do not discipline them. The parents actually refused to attend another wedding that was no kids.
I’m thinking of saying no kids and just crossing my fingers that they RSVP no and Fiance can have the five kids there that he adores and that are angels.
I just don’t think that’ll really work out… What do I do? I feel like it’s a wedding and a wedding reception, not a daycare center and children should not be involved at all (though I’m definitely willing to include the nieces and nephew, their parents will take them home if they even think about misbehaving). I know it’s incredibly unfair to say some kids but not others… How do I get around this? The five kids we do want at the wedding and reception will not be a part of the wedding and I don’t really want to change that just to have an excuse if these parents say “Whaaaaat?” when they see the nieces and nephew.
Post # 3
I completely empathize. We are in exactly the same situation. Fortunately, our venue is more kid-friendly with a playground area. We have about 6 kids that are non-negotiable, which opened the floodgates to almost 50 kids.
I know some other bees offered babysitting onsite.
Post # 4
It’s a tough call. I have 23 cousins and second cousins. I do want all of them there, but I don’t necessarily want my other guests to bring children.
Post # 5
We have the same issue. FI’s cousins are wonderful, and his older cousins have kids and there’s just too many of them. We are just having his little cousins in the wedding.
Could you ask some to be ring bearers/flower girls, and the older ones to hand out programs? That way you have a justification for why they were invited? Kinda sneaky in a way, but it works!
Post # 6
@Piglet_625– I really thought seriously about that but honestly, I think it’s ridiculous to HAVE to include them in the wedding party in order to justify their attendance… 🙁
Post # 7
I think that you sort of have to be all-or-nothing, unfortunately (the exception is that kids who are in the ceremony are generally permitted to go to the reception–so you COULD do your ceremony French-style and have a lot of little ones in your processional!) It’s kind of a headache to try and cherry-pick other people’s children.
So you’ll have to have a talk with hubby. If you want help in making your case, here are some suggestions. If he’s worried about hurting his kid-relatives’ feelings, tell him to consider children are not adults and are unlikely to be hurt if they’re not invited. Disappointed, maybe, but they’re not going to be offended and all their parents have to say “Nope. It’s for adults only.” Kids tend to accept that kind of logic just fine. In addition, receptions can be kind of boring for kids and it’s a long night, especially if they’re little.
Maybe you can offer a compromise and perhaps allow kids at a morning-after brunch or something? Or you and hubby can take your favorites out for the afternoon and see a kid’s movie or something a few weeks after the wedding?
Post # 8
I agree with JennyW, maybe you can invite the kids to another wedding-related event. How close is your Fiance with these parents? Are they the type to be offended by not inviting their kids? I would say to give the kids you want to come jobs to include them in the “wedding party,” and write a note in the invites that due to space constraints, the ceremony and reception will be “adults-only except for the wedding party_ but all ages are welcome at the farewell brunch,” or something like that.
Post # 9
Invite them and hire a babysitter or two.
Post # 10
Fiance is not close to his family at all. But he doesn’t want to offend anyone… And yeah, they told his sister that if their kids weren’t welcome then they weren’t coming either. His sister stood her ground and none of them came.
I’m not really sure I want these people at the wedding anyway… They wrote his other sister a letter and told her they wouldn’t go to her wedding because she was a sinner (she and her hub lived together before getting married) and that they were disgusted by her. This family isn’t even going to their first born son’s wedding because he and his fiancee are expecting.
Post # 11
I would personally just not invite their children and invite the ones that you want. If asked about it, just say that your Fiance really wanted these particular kids to come because he’s close to them.
If you’re lucky, they won’t come anyway :). They don’t sound like pleasant people.
Post # 12
This view is going to be pretty contrary to what you’ve already said, so please, take it with a grain of salt (hah!). Here’s what I see you saying:
-FI has a huge family who he isn’t close to
-Some family members are not even the type of people you want to have at the wedding, judgmental, not looking after their children, etc.
-You want a small wedding
Yet you’re getting married in his hometown to accomodate the huge, at least somewhat disagreeable family?
My suggestion? Move the venue to another state. Those who he is close to will still come, and those you’d rather didn’t probably won’t fork out the travel expenses.
You’ll get your smaller wedding, he’ll get the right family members and not the rest, and you won’t have to worry about bratty kids.
Post # 13
Seriously, just make your cut off “only first cousins invited” and then ask the two seconds cousins that you want to attend the guest book table.
Post # 14
I think you and your fiance need to sit down and talk about the pros and cons of each of your options, in which case there are three. No kids at wedding, all kids at wedding, or cherry-pick kids at wedding. Get you fiance’s input and see if he has really strong feelings about whether or not his favorite littles ones attend or not and go from there. You also need to decide what your favorite option is too and present that to him. Hopefuly, you guys will find a good solution!
We had the same issue, and i think many couples do. In the end, we voted in favor of the “all kids” option and it worked out fine. We were worried about some kids misbehaving too, but they were all angels. I think our awesome activity bags for the kids really helped keep them happy and busy.
Post # 15
@daydreamwanderer– I wish!!! I would love to elope but an underlying reason we’re getting married in his hometown is so that his father can be there. His health is not the greatest and it’s more important to Fiance that his dad be there than anything. So I don’t have the heart to say that a couple of people and a few issues are cause enough for us to move the wedding, preventing his father from attending. So I’m trying to come up with creative solutions and compromises, which the bees are famous for. 🙂
I think I may reconsider including the kids in the wedding party in some way. Maybe having the older second cousin help people to their seats and having the niece hand out programs, watch the guest book, or something like that. Then they’re part of the wedding without having to be in the wedding party. I’m trying to avoid kids in the procession, at the altar, in the photos, etc. FI’s cousin got married and most of his wedding photos feature a kid looking away or slouching or frowning.
If a sibling was part of the wedding, would the other siblings’ attendance be justified by this? I mean, if I had niece A hand out programs, then of course her brother and sister would go too… Right? I just don’t think I can come up with enough non-flower girl/ring bearer jobs for 5 kids.
Post # 16
I don’t think it has to be an all or nothing thing… if the only kid guest are very close relatives and everyone else has a little distance then don’t worry about it. Invite the kids you love, and ignore the others!