Kids at the wedding drama…I want none, FMIL wants twelve

posted 10 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Actually, you CAN say that some kids can bring their guests but not others. It’s not all or nothing- you can invite kids in circles. So, say, all family kids but no friend kids. I invited all of the kids of my extended family since they all needed to travel (some of them halfway across the country) for the wedding. But I didn’t invite the kids of any of my coworkers or any of my husband’s friends who have kids. 

That being said, it’s still up to you to decide whether you want kids there or not. 

Post # 3
Member
459 posts
Helper bee

gunnabamissus :  you have a right to feel how you feel but I think it’s kind of over reacting that thought of having kids at the wedding makes you not have the wedding at all and elope. Actually I would just invite the uncles kids because they are coming from far and they are autistic. It will already be hard for the family to travel for you wedding and autistic kids don’t do well with strangers so I would make an exception for them to not cause them any more stress and the parents anymore stress. 

Post # 4
Member
3595 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

gunnabamissus :  so i had a 100% childfree wedding – meaning we told hubby’s sister that her 2.5 year old was NOT allowed. she was pissed, we didn’t give in, it was all great in the end and i’m so happy we did it.

THAT SAID – children who are autistic are a different story. it really might be tht you can’t leave them with a stranger. i’ve worked with children with autism, and it can be challenging. it might very well be a either the kids come or they dont situation (and not just because they are being stubborn). but…..it’s not your problem that they have special needs children. that’s THEIR life, and i’m sure this isn’t the first event they’ve had to miss as a result. there are options here – they can all travel to the wedding and mom can stay in the hotel with the kids to babysit while dad attends. kids and mom can stay home, etc. if it were me, i’d stand firm.

also – those kids will NOT be well-behaved. they’re young, and if their autism is severe enough that they never ever have babysitters, then they are going to be very reactive to the wedding. if i were the parents, i wouldn’t subject my kids to that kind of situation.

Post # 8
Member
6323 posts
Bee Keeper

gunnabamissus :  Do the other kids belong to family members or close family friends? Because you can invite the uncle’s children and not include the children of family friends–a different circle. I also, as a guest, would not be offended if you made an exception for special needs children of the groom’s uncle. 

Post # 9
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Tell her no. It’s your wedding. I assume she’s had a wedding of her own before, and she can do whatever she wants at that wedding. 

 

Better yet, have your Fiance tell her that your JOINT decision is no kids. Period. End of discussion. She doesn’t get to negotiate. If he can’t do that, then you’re SOL. 

Post # 10
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Hired hall

What’s your wedding venue like? Could you hire someone to watch the kids at the wedding itself? Like maybe have a kiddie corner where they can do activities and be entertained by a hired professional, so they are in attendance and near their parents, but don’t disturb the main wedding party?

 

I totally get wanting a kid free wedding By The Way but just so you know, I had 5 or 6 young kids at my wedding (including my own) and they were grand. We had a proper party, and the kids just ran around playing with bubbles and dancing and when they got tired they fell asleep lol. But we have big families, and a few teetotal adults who were happy to keep the kids entertained when the party got in full swing and drinking got underway. It may be more difficult with autistic children (although autistic children tend to need to stick to routine- FMIL’s brother may very well leave evening so they can stick to their bedtime routine). All I’m saying is, even if you’re going for a very adult booze-up, if you end up forced to have the children in attendance, don’t let it ruin your day. When it comes to it, you probably won’t even notice them there.

 

(All this being said, I don’t think you should be forced to have something you don’t want. It is your day and it is unfair of your Future Mother-In-Law to put this on you) 

Post # 11
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Hired hall

Oh and as others have said–it is perfectly acceptable to invite some kids and not others. My cousin had an adults only wedding, but she allowed her sisters children to come. I got a babysitter for my kids and enjoyed the night off! People understand when exceptions need to be made. 

Post # 12
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

gunnabamissus :  As a parent I love kid free weddings. I have seen a few different ways of doing this / exceptions.

1) babes in arms and bridal party children – no other children invited

2) the grooms’ nieces, one was a breastfeeding infant and the other made flower girl (our son wasn’t invited to that wedding)

3) no exceptions – this wedding is next summer and we need to organise some kind of local childcare for a likely breastfeeding 6 month old (I wrote a post about it a while ago) Went to another no exceptions one alone this year because we couldn’t organise child care so hubby stayed with our son

FWIW I wouldn’t be offended if my kids weren’t invited but a special needs child was. I would understand that one.

I can see how a unknown babysitter for the autistic kids could not work, but I also think that if you want kid free you should have kid free. If that means they can’t come then they can’t come.

I say stick to your guns on this one. It is your wedding.

In terms of how to word it, just make the invitiation out to the parents. You can include a little note about wanting to give parents the night off if you like but I think just not naming the children is enough.

Post # 13
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I don’t think anyone would fault you for including the two special needs children and not the other children. Obviously, they are a special circumstance.

And I wouldn’t leave my child (especially a child with special needs) with a stranger in an unfamiliar place either, no matter how professional or experienced they were. So, I don’t fault them on that. 

Post # 15
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Hired hall

gunnabamissus :  to be honest, reading your reply it sounds like you’ve been very accommodating and flexible, especially as you really don’t want children there at all. In light of this, I’d say stand your ground. If that means FMIL’s brother doesn’t come, so be it. In that instance, you can hardly be blamed. You’ve tried compromise and they’re not going for it. If it’s got to be either their way or your way, I say do it your way. You offered alternatives and have been refused, so it’s not really your fault is it? You only get one day. I understand that’s all easier said than done though. 

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