Kids at the wedding drama…I want none, FMIL wants twelve

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

gunnabamissus :  TBH in your situation I would say no exceptions and no kids. I think the age limit makes it hard if you have 1 kid over the age and 1 under.

I can totally see why a local babysitter, who is unknown to the autistic kids won’t work.

Your Mother-In-Law will get over it.

Post # 17
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

I think you have forgotten one VERY important point: this is YOUR wedding. Literally all you have to say is no. Personally, I wouldn’t have budged on the guest list. The thing about mothers and MILs is that if you give them an inch, prepare for them to take 50 miles. The fact that you let her pay for an extra 30-40 people to come to your wedding was the invitation for her to have a say so. That’s likely why she feels she can allow kids at the wedding because shes paying for some of these people to be there…. Bee, just remember this is your day. Don’t let your Mother-In-Law make this about her. I don’t want kids at my wedding either. They are too unpredictable.

Post # 18
Member
2019 posts
Buzzing bee

Ok I had a child free wedding too and argued with my Mother-In-Law on it. I think it’s unkind of you to refuse to let her brother (your fiance’s uncle) to bring his special needs children. The child’s parents are telling you that leaving their kids with a stranger is a no-go (which I can completely understand). They’re traveling in from out of town, so you’re basically telling them not to come, because you refuse to make an accomodation for their autistic children (your fiance’s cousins). Weddings are about family, and alientating your fiance’s aunt, uncle and cousins because you can’t make an exception seems like a poor way to start being a family. I get that it’s not in your vision, but IMO family>vision. 

A few kids aren’t going to ruin your wedding. If they are behaving improperly or causing an issue, their parents can leave with them and remove them from the situation. If you’re worried that they will be behaving poorly and their parents won’t resolve the issue, that’s a separate discussion that you can have with your Mother-In-Law. You’re building this up in your head way too much if this makes you want to cancel your wedding and elope. 

I also think you can 100000% make an exception for your fiance’s autistic cousins to the ‘no kids’ rule. That seems completely reasonable to me. 

 

Post # 19
Member
3560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

gunnabamissus :  i think the solution is that you determine some sort of reasonable accommodation for the kiddos as a gesture of goodwill, and then after that, it’s up to the parents to decide what they want to do. an invitation is not a summons, and it’s not your job to find the perfect care-solution for these kids. tell the Brother-In-Law that it’s a childfree wedding, but you’ll have an on-site sitter available. (that way they can easily check in on the kids, or one parent can step out and take care of things, etc.). if that’s not good enough, then that’s their decision. you don’t have to cater to every single one of their particular life needs.

Post # 20
Member
3560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

italianbride0508 :  and if the parents have to leave because the children are acting up, then they miss the wedding anyway. telling FMIL’s brother that she’s having a childfree wedding ISN’T telling him “dont come”. he could come alone, and mom could stay at home and watch the kids, or they could all travel together and just Brother-In-Law could attend the wedding. there are options here. it was BIL’s choice to have children; that impacts your life, whether they are on-spectrum or not. sometimes you dont get to do everything else you want to.

Post # 21
Member
12109 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

As others have said, it’s not at all obligatory to have all or no children. Our extended family always limits children to nieces and nephews and first cousins, if any, and that’s it. Family friends children, no matter how close, can be a “no.”

It’s not offensive if you are consistent and limit to your real immediate family. If people don’t like it, too bad. Your mother in law can take that compromise or leave it.

Post # 22
Member
2958 posts
Sugar bee

gunnabamissus :  

Am I missing something here?

If it’s good behaviour you’re after you’d be better inviting 12 sober kids than 170 drunken adults.

Post # 25
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

My ten year old nephew is autistic with behavior issues, and we are having my three year old nephew evaluated because his symptoms are even worse. No one but family has watched them. And even family had problems.

I do suggest you stand firm with your mil, but when it comes to special needs, it’s not as easy as just hiring a baby sitter even if they have dealt with special needs. The baby sitter wouldn’t know the kids and the kids wouldn’t know the sitter.

I was also afraid for their behavior at the wedding. There were a lot of incidents with them, but honestly, I didn’t find out about it until weeks later. I actually found out because after the third time I talked about how good their behavior was, a friend clued me into what had happened 😂😂 other guests noticed, but I didn’t.

Post # 26
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper

I think your compromised was flawed to begin with, as you state you KNOW they have family with kids over and under 10. It’s rude to break up a family like that. 

Honestly, at this point I’d go back to her and say no kids. 0 people under age 18/19/21 whatever your age of majority is. I decided no kids for my wedding, and Future Mother-In-Law tried to get us to invite some, even springing them on us a few days befoer. We stood strong and said nope and greatly enjoyed our event. 

Post # 28
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

To add, we had kids at our wedding. I was afraid for how my nephews would behave, and the guests at tables next to my nephews noticed and that’s how I found out. I didn’t know about it that day which was great, but my guests noticed.

I do suggest you do a hard “no kids” rule as long as your fiancé is on board. As long as you know that people might not be able to go, you and your fiancé should have the wedding that you want

Post # 29
Member
1825 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think you have the right to do whatever you want in this situation, but know that you do risk losing your MIL’s contribution to your wedding.  I am going to offer you one other option for compromise you may have not considered.  Stick with your “no kids under 10” thing but make an exception for “bridal party children.”  Then put something in the program about these kids being “junior ushers” or whatever you want.  They don’t have to really do anything.  But if anyone asks, tell them that these kids were invited because they are in the bridal party.  That should be enough for “close family friends” to not think something was unfair.  And there is even a chance that the kids will behave better if they think they are doing an “important job.”

Post # 30
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

There’s no way that those 2 kids are going to be well behaved for the entirety of a wedding & reception. I’d go hard “no kids” because of this. 

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