Kids at the wedding drama…I want none, FMIL wants twelve

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 91
Member
1960 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I still say stick to no kids at all and then the cousin can make up his mind if he wants to come. 

It’s both of your wedding. Not what the mother in law wants.

If I listened to the pressure I got from my family to let my nieces and nephews come then our wedding would’ve been a compromise and we wouldn’t have had the wedding we wanted 

Post # 92
Member
15 posts
Newbee

I agree that you might be overthinking it a little bit, but understand these situations can be delicate. Don’t underestimate the power of word of mouth. If it’s possible to make an exception for the family with children with special needs (and siblings of special needs children) then you can spread that word of mouth to all these super close family friends. That way they understand what’s going on when they attend the wedding and won’t be offended.

If you end up having to have all these children, put them in the corner of the reception or in the back and be prepared for their parents to all leave before dessert. You’ll be too busy to spend much time with any one guest at your reception anyway so it’s not too much of a loss. 

Post # 93
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

gunnabamissus :  you are 100% within your right to either pick & choose what kids can come or say “No kids at all.” It’s your wedding. 

Post # 94
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

It really isn’t realistic for two artistic children to be left alone with a stranger in an unfamiliar environment. I’d these people are important to you at all, you should let them bring their children. Other people will understand. 

Post # 96
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee

gunnabamissus :  I’m in the same boat. Kids vs no kids at the wedding has been such a big issue that I also wished I eloped!! It’s caused me so much stress from so many directions. In the end I’ve decided the only thing I could do is put my foot down as uncomfortable as that felt. A firm line with no kids  (I say scratch the under 10 rule) is the only way. I feel like your a nice person and maybe others are not used to you holding a firm line but this is your wedding and at the end of the day you didn’t tell others how to have thier day. Your not a bad person just a normal woman who wanted to enjoy adult time only on her big day. Putting my foot down felt shitty at first but at least people have stopped pushing me around on this and that feels great. If you want scripts on what to say offbeat bride had a lot of good suggestions. Also I wish I put “adults only” directly on the invite. 

Post # 98
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee

gunnabamissus :  I don’t think that you should give your Mother-In-Law a list of options and allow her to pick. This is your and your FI’s wedding. If it’s important to you, and Fiance is on board, I would say absolutely no kids. That is perfectly acceptable. I would let your Fiance decide if he wants to make an exception for his uncle and family (with no input from you), but everyone else, too bad! I know you’re saying that your uncle’s children won’t be able to handle the wedding, but you also admit that you’ve never met them. FI’s uncle knows his children better than anyone so he knows what they can and can’t handle.

With all that being said, if you do decide to invite uncle and his family, I would give him a call a couple of days after the invites go out and let him know that you are planning an adult only wedding, but that you’ve made an exception for his children because it’s important for you guys to have him there on your special day. I would reiterate that of course they are all welcome to come to the wedding, but if he would rather not bring them under the circumstances, that you’d be more than happy to help him find suitable childcare at the venue (or very close by). 

Post # 99
Member
1994 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

gunnabamissus :  Is your Future Mother-In-Law going to be questioning every kid that comes through about their age if she doesnt get her way? 

but this is why im not a fan of the no kids or kids wedding thing, because almost always its more like “i only want some kids, not everyone else’s. help me come up with an excuse for this”.

unfortunately your going to be questioned if you have kids at your no kid wedding regardless whos kids they are. 

 

Post # 100
Member
6649 posts
Bee Keeper

gunnabamissus :  I understand that, if the parents say the kids cant be left alone with a stranger, thats fine. But how is it realistic for them to come to a wedding with 150 strangers, loud music and lots of alcohol?

The parents know what these children can handle a lot better than you do. 

Does your Fiance care if this Uncle attends? No matter what choice you make you are going to anger people, whether it’s 100% no kids, just the Uncle’s special needs kids, or just FMIL’s 12 kids. At the end of the day you and your Fiance have to decide how important it is to have the Uncle attend and how much damage is done if his family is not accommodated. If other guests can’t understand why an exception may be made for just this family they are probably not people you want to associate with anyway.

Post # 101
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

Hey bee, I’m just curious why wouldn’t you want some kids at your wedding as so many of you are quite familiar with that rule.

I’d love to make my guests as welcome as they can feel. As a kid I loveed going at weddings, I think it’s usually way more special for them than the grown ups. Close family members shouldn’t be such a huge deal imo. I wouldn’t like to miss my uncle’s wedding etc. because I was a kid…  😀 

Post # 102
Member
308 posts
Helper bee

I also will have more kids at my wedding than I would have liked … but there are some cousins’ kids I want to be there (i.e. my flower girl) because I am close to them. There are others coming from out of town who I know would have a hard time finding childcare in a city where they don’t know anyone. It’s tough to compromise on this (because once you’ve said yes to some kids it’s hard to say no to others!) but it could also be really difficult, especially since the uncle’s children have autism, to find someone they feel comfortable leaving them with. Personally I think it’s okay to pick and choose. Some guests might get offended but in the end it’s up to you which children you are okay with being there.

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