Post # 1
Am I handling this properly?
We originally decided no kids. None of our friends have kids, and none of our siblings have kids. There are two people from my side who have kids — we count them as family, though technically we aren’t related (my stepaunt’s siblings) because we see them at all our family functions and are close with them. I don’t want their kids there; I don’t have issues with them, but they aren’t going to make my day any better, I have several friends I can’t invite due to budget restrictions, and they are old enough that we’d have to pay for them (over 5 years old). My fiance’s cousins all have kids. For the most part, they are infants, but a few of them have an infant plus a toddler. So, we can’t say “infants only” is our rule. Fiance didn’t want kids purely because of the cost. After we did a venue walk through, my Future Mother-In-Law mentioned that it might be hard for these cousins to attend the wedding sans kids, as they need to travel 4-5 hours, and these are babies. After the conversation, I agree with her. In the end, the goal is for these family members to attend, and I’d rather make it easier for them. I would have been fine with a super small wedding, but it was important to my Fiance that we invite his extended family; if they didn’t show up because of kid issues it would be dissapointing. Cost wise, we’d be paying for maybe 2 kids meals, based on my guess at who is old enough to eat them, and everyone else would be on bottles.
FYI she is splitting the catering bill with my mom, so there’s no issue. We have a great relationship and everything has been going great with the guest list.
Now, with the invitations — I thought I could make two RSVP cards. Those with children we are inviting get a card that has a kids meal option, and everyone else gets an RSVP that mentions nothing of the sort. If anyone on my side asks why their kids aren’t invited, I’d tell them that there were budget constraints, and the children who are in attendance are young and from several states away. All of the kids we would be excluding live about an hour away.
Is this rude in any way? I personally think it would be rude if someone actually confronted me about their kid not being invited, but I just want to make sure I am being the polite one.
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
We had the rule that kids who had to travel to the wedding were allowed, local kids (where getting a sitter is easier) didn’t come. No-one complained.
Post # 3
Children, like adults, do not have to be an all or nothing proposition. Rather, you can draw lines by relationship. So it’s perfectly fine to draw the line at children of siblings, or as you have done, children of cousins. Kids of a step-aunt’s sibling is not in the same category.
Where they all live is irrelevant.
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s rude to not invite them. I would caution you against saying WHY other than ‘we aren’t able to accomodate everyone’. If you bring up budget, they may offer to pay for little Johnny, or if you bring up travel, they may bring up how they are still renting a hotel for the evening/isn’t fair, etc.
So if you want to do this (which is totally fine), if someone RSVPs with their kid or asks why their kid isn’t invited ‘Unfortunately we just aren’t able to accomodate everyone! We hope to see you and husband there though!’
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
I see no issue. We are only having the children of siblings. However, Fiance was asked by his cousin who is a groomsman, if his kids were invited. He has two kids, 3 and 5. They are coming to New Jersey from Colorado. I told them that we are not inviting kids, only our direct neices and nephews, but if they have an issue with travelling without their kids, to let us know and we will make an exception for him. So I totally understand your situation!
Post # 6
Nobody should be asking you why their kids aren’t invited, period. That’s rude. I agree with scissorgirl on that response line “we couldn’t accomodate everyone”. And leave it at that. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
On a somewhat similar scale, my Fiance’s cousins are all 16+ years old, except for one (she’ll be 3 and is our flower girl). My side however has a huge age range, from 3-30. There’s 4 cousins on my dad’s side, and 20 on my mom’s. To invite all of them would be a huge addition to the total guest count, forcing us to cut basically all of our friends, or wait an extra year for the wedding while we save to include all of them.
What we decided on is all of his cousins, and the ones on my dad’s side would be included. The others are not. I couldn’t find a reasonable age cut off (ie 16+, 18+ etc) where some sibling would’ve been left out and I thought it’d be more rude to invite 1 or 2 siblings rather than all 3, so we just said none of them will be invited. I haven’t been asked about it yet, but honestly it’s nobody’s business but you and your husband, so shame on them for being bold enough to call you out on it.
Post # 7
My daughter’s wedding was a very clear-cut 21 and over. My family has been hosting adult only since I was a kid – the late 1960s. The couples’ 1st cousins were either 22 and up or 18 and under; no families were split We didn’t make exceptions for the two that had to travel because my daughter had only met them a few times. That uncle/aunt travel by themselves – they had a nanny. They ended up boycotting and didn’t even have the courtesy to RSVP. We had a fabulous time without them.
We recently attended a weding an hour out of town and my daughter had to pay $100 for babysitting one toddler. We got there and an uninvited pre-schooler was there. My daughter was not happy about it. Neither were the people trying to use the dance floor, because she and the ring bearer spent most their time running around on it and screaming – and falling and screaming some more. Considering the decibel level of the music, at most weddings we attend, I wouldn’t subject a little one to that, anyway.
Post # 8
What happens if one of the in-town guests swaps out their husband for their kid? They would do this. I’ve addressed the envelope to husband and wife, husband I’ve met once, and I know the wife would totally be like “it’s fine” and bring her kid instead. On my response cards, I’m doing the X seats in your honor option, and while I could just explicitly write out guest names and let the check off names, I don’t think that would stop them.
I ask because how can I say no at that point? It’s not like I can’t accomodate them — the kids meal is obviously cheaper. The venue obviously allows kids. Other kids will be there (even if they don’t know). I am planning on being tight lipped about the kids that are coming, but still…how do you say to someone that “I’d rather you come by yourself, and not substitute your kid for your husband”?
Post # 9
“I’m sorry Jane I think there was a misunderstanding. The invite is for you and Charles only. Unfortunately we won’t be able to accommodate little Johnny. If Charles can’t make it we look forward to you solo!”
really at this point they are the ones being rude (subbing invites) so I wouldn’t worry *as* much how it comes across.