(Closed) kind of bummed…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I am sorry you are going through this.  A girlfriend of mine and myself both went through this.  Although I only had to wait about 3 years.

My best friend has been with her boyfriend for 3 years – he just finished up his schooling last week.  He wanted to be graduated before they move in together, live together awhile before they get married and then be married awhile before they have children.

Everytime she hits one of these milestones she just about loses it because she sees the other hurdle up ahead.  Dont worry, it really WONT get easier but it WILL be completely worth it in the end. 

I have a good friend who has been with her boyfriend since they were 14 years old *this is year 10* and his reason for waiting is ALSO finishing school.

What is the moral of the story?? Be super proud of your man that he wants to do things the right and responsible way.  It is THAT much harder to be engaged and planning a wedding when your partner is in school.  My fiance is looking to get into school now and the money and timing is killing me…

Good Luck, all will be well!

Post # 4
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

It’s hard I know, waiting seems like torture sometimes.  It will come though, and it will be worth the wait.

Men don’t multi task very well and that goes along with events in their lives too.  It’s way too hard for them to do something big like school and then think about forever and a wedding on top of that.  It’s good he wants to be able to focus when the time is right.

Can you get yourself into a hobby to keep busy or maybe take a class yourself?  Anything to keep your mind off getting engaged.  Try to think of it as building a base for your future. The stronger the base, the longer it will last.

Post # 5
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

Also, not trying to get your hopes up here or anything but is it at all possible he’s trying to throw you off to make the proposal more of a surprise? Just a thought…

We’ve all been there, waiting and frustrated by not being engaged, whether it’s for a month or 2 years…I know I had about an 8-month period where I was completely miserable about not being engaged and it was really really hard!

Hang in there, and talk to your Boyfriend or Best Friend about it! Your within your right to express what YOU want regarding an engagement and a marriage, it’s shouldn’t only be about HIS timeline, this is a partnership! 

Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I totally hear and understand your frustration. I was with my Fiance for 5+ years, and turned 25 a few months before he finally proposed. We had the candid talks many times starting in about year 3, and he would use that same — “now is not the right time.” And you know what? He was right. I was in grad school (PhD program) full time, working part time, and he had a very demanding job (100+ hrs per week). We lived 30 mins away from each other, only spent time together on the weekends. He’d say he didn’t want to be a husband who barely had time for his wife, which made sense, and yet I wondered why we couldn’t at least get engaged. He also said that he wanted me to be done with school, first. In the end, it turned out just perfect — he proposed the evening of my graduation ceremony (got my MA, PhD to come, ha), the next week switched to a job with a more reasonable quality of life, and we moved in a few weeks after.

Despite the frustration I felt during the time when I was desperately wanting to be engaged, I never doubted that the right time would come. I think you need to look inward and see if you really think there is any chance that he may be stringing you along. And ask yourself why it is you wanted to be engaged by a certain date (or on a certain date). More often than not, mental plans we have for ourselves turn out to be unreasonable when the time comes. How important is this? You’ll have a lifetime with this person. Can you wait another year or two?

Also, please try not to compare yourself to your friends and others who are getting engaged/married. Everyone’s situation is different. Also, I think there is a lot of pressure on guys — they are the ones who go out and buy the ring, and I think that is a scary decision to make! It is much easier to cry about wanting to get engaged now now now — it doesn’t seem as real as actually getting the ring. The girl doesn’t really have to do much deciding, simply “yes” or “no.” Try to see things from his point of view, you might be surprised.

 

EDIT: I just read your very first post, where you talk about you both losing your jobs, becoming grad/law students, moving in, etc. You Boyfriend or Best Friend sounds like a very reasonable and practical person, and I think you should consider yourself lucky to have a man like that in your life. I think he wants the best for you (i.e. a nice ring, a nice wedding, a nice home) but is being realistic — given your situation, this will take time! If you are simply trying to “get engaged” as opposed to “get engaged to him,” you should reconsider your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yeah, unfortunately both weddings and engagement rings cost money and maybe now is not the right time!

Fiance and I got engaged after being together for five years, right before we STARTED grad school.  Sometimes I wish we would have waited.  Between paying tuition and saving for the wedding, money has been tight.  Maybe that’s what your boyfriend is considering. 

Post # 8
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s a smart idea to wait to finish school, but I wonder why he wants to wait “at least 6 months after.” I would just make sure you understand all his reasons for not getting married now, because it sounds like he might be worried about other factors besides school. If he’s really ready emotionally for the commitment but just wants to be responsible about it, I agree it’s worth the wait! 

 

Post # 9
Member
4465 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@GirlwithaRing: Maybe he wants to save for the engagement ring?

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