(Closed) Kind of having a major morale crisis….i need bee love esp bees waitng 3+ years

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Oh my goodness, this is heartbreaking. πŸ™ It sucks that they only treat you like family when it’s convenient for them. I hope the waiting goes by quickly and you have that ring on your finger soon!

Post # 5
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow. I seriously have no words! I am soooo sorry this has all happened to you. I really wish there was something more we could do for you πŸ™

Its terrible that they treat you this way, because whether they (aka SO’s father) wants to believe it or not you are part of the family (or you should be).  I know that there are people who would disagree with me, but I don’t think that family is something that is defined by a ring on your finger.  You and your SO have been together for six years, its not like its a passing fling.  

I know it would be difficult but I might try to have a conversation with your SO about how you feel (although he clearly already knows) and then have an actual sit down talk with SO and his parents about this.  Awkward… yes.  But I guess what I’m trying to say is, it cant really make it worse at this point. Maybe you could explain to him/them how hurtful it is after six years to still be called an outsider.

I really don’t have any good advice for you and I’m sorry about that, but from one 6+ year 20’s waiting bee to another I am truly angry and hurt for you! And I really hope you get this resolved! Please take care of yourself and your relationship, and let us know what happens!

Post # 6
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think that is it very important that you sit down with these people and have a calm conversation with them.  Don’t let their words and actions get in the way and make things so awkward for you that it causes a rift in your relationship. 

 

I would tell them that you just want to talk to them and explain that when they disclude you and refuse to interact with you because you are not “family”, you feel very hurt and uncomfortable around the family.  While you understand that they want to keep family business within the family, it is very hurtful when they intentionally look sat you as an outsider and somebody that doesnt belong,  the truth of the matter is that you have been dating their son for 6 years, and you genuinely care about him, his hardships, and his family. You have been there to support and love him for six years and it is extremely hurtful when the family suggests that your role in his life is unimportant by shutting you out of the family.  While you don’t have a ring yet, and don’t carry his last name yet, discussions for those things are on the table and very well might happen in the near future.  I would add that it would be heartbreaking to you to not have a strong relationship with the family if and when you do marry their son because they have spent so much effort on shutting you out of the family and telling you that you don’t belong.  If they continue in that fashion, even a ring and a new last name won’t fix the damage they have done in terms of making you feel awkward and unwelcome around them.  And it would be even worse if their obvious efforts to disclude you and not recognize or accept you cause a strain in your relationship and tear you two apart.  

Post # 7
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

I wish I could tell you it will get better, but unless they are normal rational people (which they seem to not be), they are going to think they way they do. I’ve been with my SO for 3.75 years and I used to cry all the time about how my “FMIL” who is remarried told me I couldn’t come by on Xmas to give my SO a gift and drop off some cookies because “the holidays are for family only.” Similarly, “FFIL” remarried and his new wife always says such rude things like that I don’t make enough money (I work 2 jobs, and am finishing a degree… this bitch has no education to speak of and married SO’s dad to have a roof over her head) and she will criticize my outfits because she doesn’t want a female with bigger breasts than herself over (her words and I’m barely a B cup and dress like a tomboy ;p ). She makes up lies all the time about my SO to try to get Future Father-In-Law to kick him out (he pays rent by working for his father’s construction business and she literally does NOTHING all day and has zero money). Some people are simply trash. I decided that I am not taking SO’s name when we get married because I don’t even want a family like that and they can go fuck themselves (I know that there will be a TON of shit talk about that to look forward to). 

Your future in laws will be sorry when they realize that they drove you away. It sucks to feel like you are getting the short end of the stick (why can’t everyone get nice in laws?!?), but you will emerge on top. Spend your awesome energy on people who are worthy. They will realize when you stop coming over or giving them any attention/the time of day that they screwed up. So to answer your questions about “pulling back from them,” I would say there is no standard “good time to back away,” but they have definitely treated you in a way that justifies you ignoring them until they apologize for their lack of class. Stay strong πŸ™‚

Post # 8
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

I’m so sorry this happened, you must feel terrible. I’m in a 8+ year relationship, and though his family is nothing but kind and welcoming, I too don’t feel like I belong. I’m the one that takes the photos for people during the family portrait at the family reunions. When the holidays come around he’s with them and I’m at home alone (my dad is remarried and they go to her moms house, my mom and I are estranged) 

So that being said, I know where you are coming from! However I’m encouraging you to take a step back from your disapointment and your hurt and look at the whole situation. Your Future Father-In-Law is under a great deal of stress and pain himself.  He isnt making great decisions, and he’s probably pretty scared and unhappy. I can see him needing to comfort himself by really forcing the family-only thing. By excluding you, he’s sort of claiming ownership over his immediate family, namely his son, not (consciously) rejecting you as family. See the tiny difference? I think he probably just wants his son there for him, and is scared you’ll take him away. It’s selfish and childish and petty, but I think in times of loss none of us are our best. 

I dont know if that was the most clearly written, but I hope it gives you a different perspective. Good luck!

 

Post # 9
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t know, personally, it doesn’t sound like its just stress. Maybe your Future Father-In-Law is acting even worse because of the stress, but that is behavior that is above and beyond how a healthy, rational person responds to stress.

Not normal.

His dad doesn’t sound like a very nice person. You’re right to be upset, and you’re right to feel excluded. They haven’t been treating you very nicely AT ALL. I would distance yourself… emotionally speaking. Just try some healthy detachment.

I’m so sorry that you have to go through this… why can’t engagements and in-laws just be a big bucket full of sunshine and happiness? It sucks. =( Just take a deep breath and do the best that you can… and remember that you’re doing that, even if other people aren’t.

Post # 11
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@kansas_nurse:  I haven’t been waiting anywhere near as long as you, but I can sympathise. I have recently been told in no uncertain terms by Future Sister-In-Law that I am not and will never be family, I will always be a partner. Basically tried to tear me down bit by bit. I have always been nice to this girl as well, so nice. So I can definitely sympathise. I have no advice though, I’m sorry, all i have is *hugs* πŸ™

Good luck with it, and you may have to come to terms with the fact that they are never going to change. You don’t have to distance yourself or do anything that you don’t want to, but I find it helps if you EXPECT the worst of them and then they can’t hurt you as much.

Post # 13
Member
1186 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Really sorry, but I didn’t read the whole thing so what I say might not make huge amounts of sense.

First – your SO’s Dad is dealing with a very difficult time and if his parent’s are unwell it could be that he needs those around him he feels able to show a vulnerable side to. Through no fault of your own that might not be you yet. I think you shouldn’t let it upset you, but rather understand that in tough times poeple can say things they don’t really mean.

On the ‘not being family point’ I know what you mean – before hubby and I married there were times I felt like that too. I remember when Father-In-Law was diagnosed with cancer – the family were all called into the kitchen to be told while I was left in the hall with the dog! It can be tough – but sounds like you are well on your way to the wedding and being family.

Post # 14
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

:Big squeeshy hugs:  Kanasa that bought a tear to my eye.  Kind of reminded me of when SO’s dad had in a pub refered to me in a an old fashion Australian racist term (I’m mix heritage) it kind of shocked me and luckly someone shot SO’s dad down for it. 

Anyway Sweetie I’m not sure what to say.  I can understand the hurt it has obviously caused you.  I’m glad your SO has stuck by you.   Early in my relationship with Mr W say until two years ago I wasn’t invited to family outings, not even to family vacations.  Like a snow trip which had SO, his brother and sister, their kids extended family, parents and even one of their parents friends.   I was so pissed especially hearing that the family friend was invited and I couldn’t pretend to be thrilled at seeing SO photos even though he was so excited in showing me.   That was when SO and I were together for four years.

Finally it seemed that SO had a talk with them.  I have been with SO for 7 years and finally after all that time I am slowly invited to family outings within the last two years.  Even next year I had to do a “Sorry can you repeat what you said” when SO announced we were travelling across the country for his dad’s 60th.   I thought it was a joke but he said I was included. 

All I can say from my experience,  let it out.  Don’t communicate with SO family for a while and let things calm down.   It will be tough but it worked for me.

Post # 15
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I feel for you dear, I have had a problem similar to this with Future Sister-In-Law.  Only difference is SO and I have a 1yr old together, which definitely creates a different dynamic.  All the rest of SO’s family consider me family, and included me in family photos, but probably more so because I am my little one’s mom and SO’s mom wanted a family picture of me, SO and LO.  FSIL doesn’t like me partly because I have a problem with her constantly asking to “borrow” money, and partly because she thinks I have her brother “whipped”.  One day she started ranting on Facebook about how much she doesn’t like me and that she wishes she could just smack a bitch.  This was directly after she called SO and her younger high school age sisters (who live in another state) and told them I was treating her terribly and not allowing SO’s family to see LO and trying to get SO to cut off his family (completely not true).  The older one and her go on this whole “shes not family” tirade, and how immediate family always comes first and I better realize it quick.

SO was furious, needless to say.  He set his younger sister straight about the lies the oldest sister told her and told them both that we may not be married yet, but for all intents and purposes I am his wife, not just some girlfriend who will be out of the picture someday, and that they will treat me like I’m his wife or quit contacting him at all, adding to Future Sister-In-Law that if she ever insinuated that she wanted to get physical with me again he’d never ever speak to her again.  It was pretty hurtful to see them try to minimize my role in SO’s life, but he was the one who solved it by being the one to put them in their place.

big hugs OP, I can’t imagine feeling like the effort I was putting in to be a good FDIL was met with that reaction.  Hopefully things improve between you guys, you deserve to be treated like more than some passing floozy!

Post # 16
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

aww i’m so sorry… i can actually really relate to you, because FIL’s always ask me to take the pictures of his family. i have never been included in one, even now that we are engaged. πŸ™ it really makes me feel excluded, and my mom would never dream of doing that to Fiance.  Fiance usually tries to make an effort for them to include me in the pics, but they always find a way to have me take the pictures. so for christmas this year, i think i’m going to buy them a tripod LOL.

that doesn’t really help your situation at all, and it might even make  you feel worse (since i thought it would get better after we were engaged, and it hasn’t at all).  i’m really sorry that you’re going through this. i guess just try to focus on how much your SO loves you and know that you are family, even if they don’t recognize that.

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