(Closed) Kind of lost my mind last night – vent…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry but I would be really pissed.  And I can’t believe he would just act all sweet the next day like nothing ever happened.  If he already unofficially proposed then there is no reason he needs to be dragging his feet.  Sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about why it hasn’t happened.  Like is he getting freaked out about it?  He obviously has some concern about something.  But do not just keep quiet about it because that solves nothing.

Post # 5
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@readynwaiting58:  I think he was so excited in the beginning he just blurted it out and now he’s realizing that getting married and buying a house isn’t cheap, or easy

Yes, this happens. And it is scary, once the guy sees how much it will all cost!

Stick to your guns. If you wont put your name on a house unless you are officially engaged, then do.not.do.it. (I did the same thing! I actually refused to be on the house until after our wedding. I just felt safer that way.)

While I agree that talking about weddings all the time is not good, I don’t think that staying silent is. You had every right to ask him the question you asked. I would be super pissed if he acted like nothing happened…Can you ask him if you can talk about your fight later? I think the real issue is that you need to find the root of why he flipped out like that. It could be money or it could be something else.

Post # 7
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

What bothers me most about this is why are we not allowed to talk about it? Why are people allowed to badger us and practically stone us to death with questions about when we are planning (as if it’s up to us!) on getting engaged/married, but it’s the one topic that our SO’s completely ban and blow up at? I dont’ think it’s fair that we have to tiptoe around this topic like it’s a huge elephant in the room.

This is the only thing Darling Husband and I ever fought about before we got engaged. It took him almost a year of dating before he was willing to even admit that marriage is something we had to think about. I know that not every guy is like this, some men surprise women with proposals, but let’s be real it’s not the norm.

I say have a real discussion about it when you’re both sober. Make sure he doesn’t get away with pretending like nothing happened. I’m sure he prefers to act like things are totally normal, but the truth is they’re not. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you bottle it all up and try to hold out for a ‘surprise’ proposal!

Post # 8
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I kinda feel sorry for your SO (and I totally understand how you feel as well). Don’t pressure him, just let it happen (especially since you know it’s already going to happen). He must be so tired from everyone bugging him constantly.

Maybe he wanted it to be a secret and is enjoying the planning process. Instead, now, it’s like he HAS to do it. Also, he will probably be really mad at his sister right now;)

Not to make you mad or something, but you pressuring him could make him postpone another few months just to throw you off his scent so don’t ask him anymore! Enjoy your time together- so much so that he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with you:)

Post # 10
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Argh, why’d you betray your spy?!  She was your informant!

 

You have every right to know at least what year you’re getting married.  A nice conversation sounds like it’s in order.

 

@moderndaisy:  THIS!

Post # 11
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Don’t feel bad that you mentioned it.  I sometimes think men don’t realize how this makes us feel.  My SO is the sameway!  We have lived together a year and a half.  We have been unoffically engaged too.  Yet no ring.  His comment is well I bought her a vehicle.  Ack!  I mean yeah the vehicle is nice, but dang I want the ring!lol 

Post # 12
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@abirdword:  lol. I was wondering the same thing,”Oh no, the sister has been uncovered!”

OP, I’m sure he is just a bit stressed out in wanting the proposal and the ring to be just perfect. I blew up on my Fiance probably about 6 times in the four months before we were engaged. It’s daunting for guys sometimes because they know how “perfect” everyone expects the ring/proposal to be. It looks as if he is as committed to you. The ring will come.

Post # 13
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

I think everyone else here has already given you some great advice, I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through and I really hope things will turn around for you soon! *Hugs*

Good luck with your talk with him later tonight!

Post # 14
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

That’s so frustrating, I had the same fight with my SO a couple months back. We went ring shopping, and he said how and when was up to him. So I dropped the issue and said nothing else. When months passed and nothing happened, I asked when he thought we would be getting married. He flipped out and said he wants no pressure from anyone. Excuse me??!?!? I have sat in silence for months waiting for you, and your gonna flip on me for asking a question I am entitled to know the answer to?? Turns out my whole family has been harrassing him about the issue, which I quickly addressed as soon as I found out.

@moderndaisy:  Amen!! I don’t understand why it’s such a hot topic. I understand not pressuring someone, but why has it become so taboo to even mention marriage???

Another talk is in order. There should be no reason for him dragging his feet at this point! If it’s been unofficial since 2010, he needs to make it official now, IMO. Good luck with the convo, let us know what he says!

Post # 15
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think you should talk to him about what a wedding entails.  Do you need a super-expensive wedding? How much do you all need to have before you can get married?

I know finances can stand in the way of a wedding, but you seem to really want to be married.  Would you give up some of the fancy wedding to get married sooner? 

Personally, I’d rather get married now and go rent an apartment with my SO afterwards.  We can save for a house in the years after our wedding– but we are in our mid-twenties so we feel like we’ve got lots of time. 

Post # 16
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

@moderndaisy:  

I agree entirely with what you’ve said!  It is so frustrating that despite all the gains women have made in the workforce and society, it’s considered “pressuring” for us to ever bring up engagement.  “Please don’t pressure me!” was the first response I got, despite not once bringing it up until we’d been together for 4+ years and both had professional jobs making very good money.  He’s come around, but it still makes me angry.

Sure, traditionally the timing of engagement has been the guy’s decision.  But what people forget is that back then most guys were very marriage minded, and even if they weren’t, it was considered socially unacceptable for a guy to drag his feet too long in proposing.  So it was ok for things to be a total surprise.  But now, it’s considered just fine for a guy to enjoy all of the benefits of a serious relationship for years, and many people act as if a woman is being unreasonable to want an official commitment.  I think that if women are expected to be career-minded and self-sufficient, it isn’t fair to make us try and plan our lives, careers, and educational goals without any sort of timeline.     

I also just want to say it is really great to see a married bee who hasn’t forgotten what it’s like to be in our shoes- thanks!

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