Post # 1
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
Because of people around me getting engaged. I really and truly am happy for these girls, but I can’t help comparing my relationship with my SO the their relationships. We’ve been together longer, we’re living together and they aren’t, we’ve been through some really tough times together and they haven’t. I can’t help thinking that there’s something wrong with me. Or that my SO may just be stringing me out. I’ve talked to him and he promises he’s not. He has some legit reasons why he doesn’t want to get married yet, but at the same time I’m thinking, why wait? And those reasons (he mainly wants to finish school first) aren’t stopping other people. Just kinda bummed out right now 🙁
Post # 3
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
I’m totally in the same boat. What helps me sometimes is that I just know we will be together forever, so I imagine myself 10 years down the road married with a kid or two, all this waiting won’t be much on my mind at all! This is our story and it’s the very beginning (a 6 year long beginning, haha), so I’m trying to enjoy it as much as I can. But I do still have those moments of “ugh, what’s so bad about me that we’re not engaged?!” no matter how irrational those thoughts are.
Post # 4
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
Yup yup yup. Right there with you. I posted yesterday about a coworker getting engaged, and right after I got an email from a friend who said that she got engaged over the holidays (also with her guy wwaaaaay less time than me).
I know this isn’t a race, and I do think like @LaurenK0105 said: We’re in this for the long haul and 6.5 years is not much in the grand scheme of things. Yet sometimes bad thoughts do creep. Is there something wrong with me? Something wrong with him? Our relationship? Why are younger guys who are with their GFs for less time able to make this commitment and he’s not?
I know everyone (and every relationship) is different, but sometimes it get’s under my skin.
Deep breaths! It will happen when it happens and it will be wonderful when it does. 🙂
Post # 5
Member
1939 posts
Buzzing bee
I understand where you are coming from 100%. It hurts to see people get what you so desperately want.
But that being said, I don’t think its fair you judge others relationships and assume you are more worthy of getting engaged. You have no idea what other couple’s have been through together, and not every couple wants to live together before they get engaged. I admit, I am guilty of playing the “we’ve been together longer” game A LOT when I’m sad about not being engaged, and I know its not right of me to do so. Comparing yourself to them is only going to hurt you. You’ll have your chance and you will want these people to be happy for you, so try to do that for yourself.
I also think your boyfriend has some good points. Yes, people do get married while still in school, but I can see why your boyfriend would want to wait until he has graduated. I don’t think he is stringing you along. He has a goal he wants to reach first, and that is important to him. The best thing you can do is support him while he works towards that goal so he sees how awesome you are, and how much he’ll want you by his side for everything else in his life. If he graduates and you are still not engaged after awhile, I’d say yeah he might be stringing you along, but it doesn’t seem to be the case at all. I know its not easy and i am in the exact same boat (bf wants to wait until I have a f/t job, which SUCKS but i know makes sense) Sometimes having a practical bf has its downsides! Wouldn’t it be nice if they could just throw caution to wind and say i can’t wait to marry you even if now isn’t the ideal time?
Post # 6
Member
5657 posts
Bee Keeper
I definitely know how you feel. I was upset when a couple who started dating a few months after us became engaged about 6 months ago. They’d been dating pretty much the same amount of time we had… so why was there no engagement in the cards for us? It’s hard not to think there is something wrong.
I know it’s hard, but every couple has a different timeline. Your boyfriend is just not ready due to school… it’s just not the right time. Try to focus on what makes your relationship awesome right now, instead of focusing on what level it isn’t on yet.
Post # 7
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee
I know how you feel just try your best to keep positive!!!
Post # 8
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
THANK YOU for understanding me! I have no one to talk to about this IRL and it’s so nice to get on here and get a “I’m in the same boat” instead of a “You’re stupid, chill out.”
@Krises: I know it’s irrational to compare my relationship with other peoples. And I completely understand him having goals he wants to reach first (I think it also factors in the macho “I have to be able to take care of you” thing for him, and I have suspisions that he thinks he isn’t good enough for me yet… which is total bull because he is the best person I know). I respect and love him enough to wait for him to reach his goals. And I’ve even been good, as in I haven’t been harping about getting married or even talking about rings or anything. I’m just going through a sad stage now. Thank you for your advice, and don’t worry I keep my smiley face on for the newly engaged girls around me. I refuse to rain on anyones parade!
@Taylor4: Breathing deeply!!
@LaurenK0105: Ooh I’ll have to try your way of thinking. It’s interesting to think of everything that we’ve been through as a couple as just the first chapter.
Post # 9
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
@DeathByDesign:
@armychica06:
Thank you, both of you for your encouragement. I am enjoying our relationship, and I am grateful for every piece of him! I love WeddingBee because it makes staying positive a reality, not just a possibiliality (IDK if that’s a real word or not, but it’s from my SO’s favorite joke)
Post # 10
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
@AmyDee: I know it’s hard, but I agree with Krises, you don’t always know exactly what’s going on with other people.
I know at least a couple of acquaintances were jealous when my boyfriend proposed after a little under 9 months. I told them, “Well, we knew each other before.” And they said, “Well, we have, too…”
But what they didn’t understand was that we had dated for two years in college. We even lived together.
As part of a research project I did in college, I read scores and scores of relationship books. One, called “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others”, talks about an age of commitment that men need to reach before they feel ready to settle down, regardless of the girl they’re with, or whether they’re with any girl at all. I take most of the things in these books with a HUGE grain of salt, but I’ve seen this particular concept in play SO many times. I think it has a lot to do with the phenonemon in which a man and woman will break up because she’s tired of waiting, and then shortly thereafter he will marry the next girl within only a year or so.
Basically, what I’m saying is that it doesn’t sound like this has anything to do with you. I know it’s hard–it’s why Fiance and I broke up the first time–but I think in your case it’d be worth it to stay the course until after he graduates. Just make sure you stay in a state of progression rather than stagnation and you should be fine.
Post # 11
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
I know how you feel. The other day I noticed a friend of mine had a ring on. I was too embarressed to ask if she was engaged. I’m pretty she is though by looking at the ring. I was friends with her Boyfriend or Best Friend before she met him and knew his ex-wife. My SO and I would go out with them and supported him through his very nasty breakup and divorce. We then met his new Girlfriend and became friends with her. It just sucks to see someone else go through all that and get engaged again and I’m not. I was so depressed!! I told my SO and all he could say is that they are disfunctional. Whatever!! They did go through a lot of stuff but that makes it even worse for me. My SO is stringing my along for sure. Yours actually has a reason to why he has not done it yet. Mine has very vague reasons that make no sense to me. At least he has told you it will happen. So really I do not think you have to worry.
Post # 12
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
@desertgirl: My SO is stringing my along for sure. Yours actually has a reason to why he has not done it yet. Mine has very vague reasons that make no sense to me.
Sorry to threadjack, but…you’re just going to let him do that?!
Post # 13
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
@EffieTrinket: No, I had enough of the stringing and I got a plan. Just wanted to let her know that it’s better to have a real excuse then the lame ones I hear. LOL!!
Post # 14
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
@desertgirl: Good to hear. Stay strong!
Post # 15
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee
@desertgirl: Good luck honey- we are here for you! I hope he realizes that you aren’t going to take being strung along.
Post # 16
Member
797 posts
Busy bee
@EffieTrinket:
Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. Any books out there you think I should read?
@desertgirl:
I’m sorry to hear about your SO stringing you along! And you’re right, it is good to have a concrete reason for waiting. It’s just that there is no end in sight because he isn’t in school now ( before he couldn’t afford it, and now that he can afford it he just hasn’t done anything about signing up for classes so the time line is skewed). What is the plan that you mentioned?