(Closed) Kind of upset that FI's family hasn't congratulated me. (vent)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think this might just be one of those things to let go. His family hasn’t done anything malicious toward you, and your Future Mother-In-Law even “expressed her joy at getting another daughter.” A lot of people here have shared that they have negative relationships with their in-laws-to-be and would love to have a Future Mother-In-Law that would say something like that.

As the wedding train picks up more speed and the day gets closer, you may see others starting to get more excited. If not, just trust that they are excited for you and just don’t express it the same way as your family might. In the meantime, try to surround yourself with people who do express their excitement for you very openly to get your dose of support–from your sister, other family, or friends, maybe?

Post # 4
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Also, FWIW: this is not very widely known nowadays, but according to traditional etiquette it’s incorrect to “congratulate” the bride-to-be. You’re supposed to say “best wishes” or “I wish you happiness/all the best,” etc., but the groom is supposed to be the one who gets congratulations. Silly, I know, but the grandparents might be operating according to that.

Post # 6
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  Yeah, isn’t it random? The rationale is that the man gets congratulated because he’s lucky that the woman agreed to marry him! (It assumes, of course, that the man asked and the woman accepted.) The woman gets “best wishes/I wish you much happiness” that she made the right decision.

Post # 7
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@anemonie I agree.

 

It seems like they have congradulated you in their own way. I wouldn’t let it get to you if you can help it.

Post # 8
Member
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree, just let it go. 

I had a similar situation with my in-laws. They were watching our dog since we were out of town & that is when we got engaged. My husband called them to let them know, so before we went back to pick the dog up, they knew we were engaged. Well I expected the normal response from his mom “happy for yall, can’t wait, let me see the ring!” Well nope that didn’t happen. We walk in and are in the house for a good hour and eventually my husband says “mom, I can’t believe you havn’t asked to see the ring!?!” and her response is “well, it wasn’t offered.” As if I was supposed to enter her house and say “errr would you like to see my ring?” awkward! 

So although it was an awkward and annoying situation, it is actually really funny now when I think back about it! 🙂 

Post # 9
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I have a similar situation sapph.. i just accept the way they are. It is difficult sometimes but I just go back to my family for the loving 🙂

Post # 10
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think your expectations of congratulations are just a teeeensy bit high. I have a fantastic relationship with my Future In-Laws and I don’t think they ever said the words “Congratulations on your engagement!” to me, but they have commented that they are excited, as your have. 

Post # 12
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@AnnieAAA:  Something similar happened with my own mother! It just occurred to me, I think a lot of these awkward/slightly hurt feelings happens because engagements don’t HAPPEN very often, so I think a lot of people don’t exactly know what the social niceties are. I’m just letting them run off my back haha

Post # 13
Member
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Awww I’m you’re sad, Saph! If there’s anything I’ve learned in that last 4 years, it’s that blending 2 families is tough! It sounds to me like you guys haven’t really set how you would like to communicate. Maybe they only talk to you online because that’s the only precedent? I know that my Future Mother-In-Law and I usually communicate through Fiance. I’m actually more likely to tell Fiance “call your mother and ask her…” than to pick up the phone myself. It’s just kinda the way things are. That said, if she were to call just to say hi, I would probably do the same further down the line. Don’t worry too much, Saph, you have the REST OF YOUR LIFE to work this out, lol!

Post # 14
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I also think you have misplaced expectations. They aren’t against the engagement so what more can you really want? I’ve never said congrats to anyone- family or not- when they got engaged. Just not something I would think to do. 

Post # 15
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Not congratulating the bride is very old school. However I do agree some acknowledgement would be nice. Some families just aren’t that way. My FIs family is very much that way. They could care less to ask how wedding planning is going, they love fi and of course will be there on our wedding day. And I get along well with everyone in his family. But they just aren’t lovey mushy people like my family. At least his mother expressed joy for you joining the family. That counts for something.

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