- 8 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
Sigh. Even though these boards are anonymous, I still hate sharing this, but here goes.
I have been struggling with fairly severe depression for about the last year or so. I’ve had bouts with it before, in college, etc. but this time it reached a point where I sought out help, and decided to try medication. I started taking Wellbutrin about a month and a half-ish ago, and things are definitely better, and continuing to improve, so yay.
I’m still really struggling with my self image issues. I broke my foot last year, and between that and the depression, gained ~30-35lbs (which is EXTRA awful because I am a health and weight-loss coach, but I digress). Since starting on medication I’ve lost maybe 10-12 of that, so again, small yay.
My shower is a week from today, and I am starting to feel panicky about it. I’m still at a point where it’s sometimes hard to get myself to go out with small groups of my good friends who all know what’s going on with me. I still have days/nights when trying to get myself to go out with just my Fiance is a battle, and sends me into sobbing. It’s just hard. It’s HARD. That’s really what I am struggling most with right now is that I want to HIDE out. I don’t want to be seen AT ALL. I especially do not want to be the center of attention in a room full of women and have to plaster on a big smile and pretend that everything is puppies and unicorns and rainbows. To be the picture perfect bride, who doesn’t find wedding planning to be some miserable, further level of hell even Dante didn’t talk about.
I am so dreading seeing the photos of myself posted all over facebook with my 35-40lb overweight figure in the fabulous dress I’m praying will zip, fake smiling through my own personal hell. I just feel so, so, so unpretty, unhappy, and fake, and I’m nervous and afraid that I’m going to hate every photo taken at my shower, and since it’s the only time I get to be with all of my bridesmaids until the actual wedding, I’m bummed about it.
My SIL-to-be was texting me earlier as she was picking out a dress because SHE was worried about feeling fat, and then she was like “Eh, whatevs, everyone is going to be looking at you the whole time anyways, nobody’ll notice.”
And then I hyperventilated and threw up.*
*Hyperbole. This did not actually happen, just what I felt should be happening.
And then of course I feel disgustingly guilty and ungrateful that my mother and BMs have put all this time and hard work into making something beautiful for me, and here I am feeling this absolute dread/panic about going to it. I feel like a horrible, horrible person.
(Anyone else who has dealt/is dealing with depression sometimes feel like the guilt is the WORST F-ING PART???)
Has anyone ever felt this or anything similar, maybe not quite on this scale but some of it? Anyone who the thought of having 50+ people watching you open gifts for a couple hours make you just want to curl up in a corner/in your bed in the dark until you feel like you can actually get oxygen into your lungs?
Just someone tell me I’m normal. Or at least not alone.
Thank you all for the space to vent. I feel about 3-5% less terrible now (Is that the best emoji for “handling my depression with a bit of humor as often as I’m able so that I remember that I’m not as sucktastic a human being as I’m currently feeling I am”?)