(Closed) Kinda hurt by what he said

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I would go with putting it behind you. Think about if the roles were reversed in your hypothetical situation; if he didn’t love you and showed no interest, would you love him? And on that note, would you want him to love you madly if you didn’t love him?

That aside, your situation is highly hypothetical. He does love you. He is marrying you. Try not to worry about it.

Post # 4
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Sigh. This is a bit tricky for a message board 🙂 but here is my take.

I remember being a teenager and having a school-girl crush on a guy who didn’t know I existed. I was *obsessed* with the guy. I remember back then hearing someone say, “you can only truly love someone when they love you back” – it didn’t make sense to me at the time, but now it does.

One-way love tends to be more of an infatuation, in my opinion. Once someone loves you back, you build all the other fun relationship qualities like trust, honesty, deeper understanding, friendship, etc. I think you can be infatuated with someone, or admire them, or have respect for them, but going as deeply as love can, I think, be dependent on if it’s a 2-way relationship or not. I think maybe that’s what he was getting at.

I understand why you’d feel hurt or stung by it, but try not to feel too hurt. It was kind of a tricky question for him to answer.

Post # 5
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I kind of don’t see what the problem is. What did you expect? Forgive me, but it sounds a little princess-y to expect that someone fall in love with you if you “never loved them in the first place.”

He loves you NOW–that’s the point. And I can guarantee that because he loves you now that you are driving him crazy with your doubt.

Post # 6
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t know, his answer kind of makes sense to me. If you weren’t in love with him, the dynamic of your relationship would be totally different and he probably wouldn’t get to know you well enough to fall inlove with you. Maybe he would think you were awesome, but thats not the same as being in love.

Post # 7
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Can you really explain why you fell in love with him? I mean, really? I can’t explain why I fell in love with my FH. I can say that I love my FH because he is good to me, takes care of me, is an amazing person, etc. However I could also find someone else who is all of those things too, but I wouldn’t fall in love with that person.

Falling in love just happens, and I feel like when you try to ask someone why they fell in love with you, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. How is he ever going to answer that question completely and really relay the true sense of his love for you? It’s a really impossible question to answer. I fell in love with my FH because I did. That was that. There is no rational reason for it because to me, love isn’t rational. It just is. There is no explanation for that, so I feel like there’s no real way for him to answer that question.

I also agree that generally, falling in love is a mutual thing. You fall in love with eachother, together, during a point in your relationship. Sure, one might fall in love faster than the other but at the end of it, you’re both in love. Or you’re both not.

Post # 9
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would try to let it go.  The one thing I’ve learned is that men process things differently than women.  I know personally, while I loved my Boyfriend or Best Friend (now husband), maybe I wouldn’t have really loved him without knowing he loved me….sounds confusing, so I’ll try to explain.  I tend to have a lot of walls built around me, and until I knew my Boyfriend or Best Friend really loved me, I didn’t quite allow myself to break down those walls and completely love him.

Post # 10
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m honestly not sure why you keep asking him the reason he loves you. Do you have a specific answer you are expecting to hear? Sometimes its hard to explain why you love someone and why you chose them over all other people.. I think its an unusual question to keep asking unless he is giving you reasons to question him.

Post # 11
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’ve been infatuated with people that weren’t interested, but I think in order to fall inlove with someone there has to be reciprocation.

Post # 13
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@kfricke89: I get what you’re saying– I will say to my FH a lot, “I thought you loved me…” or “Do you still love me?” even though I know he does– I just want to hear it. 🙂 But maybe asking him why isn’t getting you the answer you want to hear or making you feel the way you want to feel in this situation.

Post # 14
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Aw, I know it can hurt when they say the wrong thing, but as people have already said, guys don’t think about or express things the same way women do. I know my Fiance adores me for the same reasons I adore him: he’s a good person and we share the same values (e.g. both doggedly loyal, hardworking, non-materialistic, smart, etc.) and we’re really attracted to each other. However, if you asked FH why he fell in love with me it would come out something like, “well, you have breasts and you were interested in me”. I think he’s not sure what I expect and his brain short circuits when I ask him things like this. Luckily, he’s prince charming in all other respects. I’d relax about this one and rejoice in the fact that you love each other now.

Post # 15
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This is my take on his first answer that he loves you because you loved him. Isn’t that one reason you love him also?

I mean there’s a part of love that’s cyclic. I love my FH because he chooses to LOVE ME.  I then have the choice to love him or not, but I choose to love him, which is one reason he loves me. I could go on all day like this, and Yes it’s circular, but it’s the way it works. So maybe he had a bad choice in words when he said he loved you because you loved him first, he meant to say he loves you because you choose to love him.

 

I’m not sure if that makes sense…hopefully you get what I mean.

Post # 16
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I see why that upsets you, but like others have said I don’t really think it’s a terrible thing. I think men need encouragement from potential mates to do something serious like fall in love or propose while us women kind of know right away if we love someone or not. Also, ‘love’ is kind of a loose term, I mean it’s not clearly defined the same way by everyone and if he wasn’t interested in you at any point then he would never have been with you in the first place.

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