(Closed) Kinda pissed at SO right now (kinda a follow-up to BPD post)- LONG rant!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2013

You said that you don’t want advice, but I am going to share some I was given somme time ago. You have to do what’s right for you. There comes a point when you have to decide. But it has to be what is right for you. People may scream and yell. People may say you are selfish, or rude, or wrong. But in the end sometimes all you have is you. Do what’s right for you. Good luck, bless. Take care.

Post # 4
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t have a relationship with my father, and barely have one with my mother.  I deliberately moved to the other side of the world to get away from my mother.

My parents didn’t want to be parents.  As a result, they resented – in the case of my mother, still resent – that having 3 children limited what they could do at times.  While we were not abused, we were never a priority.  Neither took any interest in my schooling past the age of 6, but still expected perfect results.  They were   unapproachable and unsympathetic.

My father left for another woman when I was 21 without a backward glance.  In the 24 years since, he’s attempted to contact me once.  My Fiance cannot understand why I don’t want any type of relationship with him.   This man has been absent more than half my life – and he was rarely around for the 10 years before he left.  He’s a stranger to me. I don’t want or need the stress of having him in my life.

I’ve often wondered to myself if I’m doing it out of spite.  I honestly don’t think so.  And at the end of the day, even if I am, it’s not really any of my FI’s business.  It’s MY father, not his.  I get to decide what my dealings with him are.  

Just because your OH has sorted out something with his mother, doesn’t mean you are bound to do the same with your mother.  Don’t let yourself be forced into anything you don’t want. 

Post # 6
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@ForeverBirds:  I really feel for you. My best friend has a sister with BPD, and the lies she has told have almost destroyed their family. My friend has nothing to do with her – it is less stress in her life to have nothing to do with her. Your fiancé doesn’t have the right to tell you what’s right for you. You know what’s right for you – you know how she is, you know how she makes you feel. You know what effect she has on you. People with BPD can destroy your life, and if you don’t want anything to do with her, that’s your RIGHT. You’re not under a false assumption that you can ‘fix’ her just by being around. Your fiancé may have been able to forgive his father – that’s his right. he cannot force you to have a relationship with her, nor should he try to. 

My SO has nothing to do with his mother – she’s a horrible, horrible person. I don’t pressure him, I respect his right to decide who gets to be part of his life. Having involvement with her would have dire consequences on his mental state (he suffers from depression). 

Your fiancé needs to understand that you know what is best for you. He also needs to understand what BPD does to people. It’s not like she can change her ways and be the kind of mother that every kid deserves. It’s not like an alcoholic parent who can stop drinking and be a great person. She can’t change. But you can change the effect she has on your life by cutting her out of it.

I wonder if maybe one couples session with a counsellor would help? They could explain to him about this awful disorder, the effect it has on people and point out that it’s your right to choose who is part of your life? I think that would actually be really helpful.

Post # 7
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I feel for you too… FI’s dad has NPD and his mom is very codependant. His younger sister is BPD  but also just a complete psychopath (which not all BPDs are of course). So I get it.

Some abusers are more tolerable than others. Some of them actually “calm” with age and will listen if you tell them that you aren’t going to take their crap anymore. BPDs and NPDs do not and never will be able to respect boundaries. I don’t know what your FI’s issue with his dad was, but you actually can build up some boundaries with some abusers. My own Fiance would never be able to have any kind of boundaries with his father and sister so he had to go with the strictest boundary – no contact.

You do what you need to do. Your fiance needs to support you and realize that your situations are (obviously) not the same. I’m not saying you need to go no contact – just do what you need to do.

My fiance can’t have contact with his parents and sister without them trying to push his limits. It is just not possible. They have no consideration for anyone but themselves. And also – just because he has no contact doesn’t mean he hasn’t forgiven them. My Fiance also has forgiven his father much like your’s has. But he has also realized that he can’t have a relationship with him. Forgiveness doesn’t mean “oh well I’ll forget about what you did like it never happened and go on trusting you again.”

Post # 8
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I just don’t see how it’s really any of his business?  There are boundaries even in intimate relationships, and he’s stomping all over this one.

I don’t have a relationship with my bio-father and for a variety of reasons it would be useless to try.  It’s been this way as long as Darling Husband has known me (he’s never met my father and probably couldn’t even tell you what he looks like) and, quite frankly, if he tried to interject himself into the situation, I’d be pissed.  I’ve made my peace with the situation and nobody, not even my husband, should get in the middle of that.

I don’t know, it just sounds disrespectful and paternalistic. 

Post # 9
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@sportsgal31:  I agree… obviously OP is a person trying to figure out what boundaries are necessary to have and here she has her husband stomping all over her already weak boundaries.

Don’t get me wrong, I was happy when Fiance decided to cut off his parents (as odd as it sounds) because I knew it was the best thing for him. But I would have never told him what to do or that he was making the wrong decision. My job is to support the decisions he makes, not tell him what to do (and its the same the other way around).

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