- 6 years ago
This is a rant. I’m not really looking for advice, I just needed to vent about some (read: a lot) of things. Advice is appreciated, but I already know I’m going to talk to SO about this, so this was really and honestly just to kinda get everything out.
So I wrote about mine and my mom’s issues in this post: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/has-anyone-lived-with-someone-with-bpd-how-do-you-cope, but to sum it up, my SO wants me to have a relationship with her in spite of years of emotional abuse that stemmed from her having borderline personality. His father was physically abusive and he managed to forgive him, several years after his father left, so he thinks I should forgive my mother and attempt a relationship with her. He says that I don’t want a relationship with my mother “out of spite.” I’ve been gathering a few articles for him to read, along with a few of the comments on that post, but what pissed me off was this:
He wants to tell me to have a relationship with my mother, but when his dad came down to stay here for a job interview he refused to change his plans wiith his friends – despite the fact he’s seen his dad for maybe 12 hours- tops- in over a year? He’s been gone since Monday and I’ve been fuming. How on earth can he tell me to have a relationip with my mother when he won’t even spend a freaking hour in the same room with his dad?
And not only that, apparently since I don’t do anything around the house (which is true, I don’t have any chores aside from doing my own laundry and that was at my own insistence, but hold on), I’m disrespecting my mother and also not making an effort. I felt kinda bad until I finally realized I was really pissed. NOTHING, in my book, gives a parent the right to threaten to tell lies to the cops to have their child taken to a juvenile detention facility. Nothing gives a parent the right to drag their child by the hair or be mad that their child wouldn’t lie to the cops for them. Nothing ever gives a parent the right to make their child ever feel unwanted or unloved.
He wants to say that my mom sits in her room crying because I won’t have a relationship with her? Let’s also talk about the many times I’ve spent crying, alone or crying on the shoulder of my best friend, because I thought my mom hated me and I wished I’d never been born, because I felt like I was completely worthless and could never do anything right- nothing was ever enough.
I was a good kid. Always came home by curfew, let my parents know who I was with and when I’d be home. I’ve never had a drop of alcohol in my life, I’ve never smoked or done drugs, I never got written up in school. I was in 4 honor societies, Spanish Club, president of Creative Writing Club my senior year, got an award for one of my short stories even, and volunteered for the band. I graduated in the top ten percent of my class with an advanced diploma. I go to school full time and have A’s and B’s. I made the Dean’s list last semester. I’m paying for college with a scholarship that I earned. Hell, I hardly even ask my parents for money to go out to lunch- I didn’t even ask for money to refill my meal plan last semester! And the only issue my mom can legitmately say is true is that I don’t do any chores. But my brother has lived here until he was thirty, never held down a job for more than a month, slept until 2 in the afternoon and even then only woke up cause he was hungry. He brought home a girl he got pregnant after 2 weeks of knowing her, and then did nothing. He’s been verbally abusive to everyone in the family and pulled a knife on my brother in law, he’s stolen from my mom and he’s implied a threat on my SO’s life. He can bum off of us and fuck us over and she never says a single word for months and months and months on end. But she has a problem with me, apparently because of the chores.
And it’s honestly that part’s not even her- her claims against me are usually ridiculous. I told the cops to have her arrested. I conspired to make Daddy divorce her. Etc. But SO has brought up this one thing because it’s the only grain of truth in the claims she makes during her 72-hour long rages in which I’m every kind of bitch in the book, and he wants to act like it somehow justifies the way she’s treated me.
Franky, it doesn’t. There is nothing in the world that would justify that. What she did to me was emotional abuse, plain and simple. There’s a whole list of things she did in my last post, and those are only specific incidents that stand out in my mind. And even if I was the most horrible child ever, what she did to me was not an okay way to punish your child. Dragging me by the hair? Getting in my face and screaming until I was reduced to an anxiety attack? Threatening to tell lies to have me taken away? None of that is okay, even if your child is being bad.
And I wasn’t a bad kid- that’s what sucked. I tried so hard. I did pretty much everything I was supposed to do, and it was never enough. Not once did I ever hear her tell me she was proud of me. Not once did she ever say the words “Good job” to me. Hell, in high school, she probably couldn’t have told you one out of the seven clubs or societies I was in. When I got my scholarship, oh, she wanted to brag about me to her friends. She wanted to post it all over Facebook and show me off, but not once did I feel like I was good enough. I felt like a trophy being waved around. She never just looked at ME and said, “Baby, you did good.”
I probably hurt her feelings when I never made a list of the honors I recieved at graduation. But why should I? She wasn’t around when I was busting my ass in school for all of those things. She didn’t want to help me when I was trying. “If you’re absent in my struggle, don’t expect to be present in my success.” Isn’t that how the saying goes? She couldn’t even tell you what honors I recieved, but my dad could reel them off no problem- the honors, the clubs, what I had to do to be able to wear all those cords and stoles around my neck as I walked across that stage, the only one of my mother’s children who ever managed to do that. Daddy didn’t tutor me or anything, but he listened. He kept up with what I was doing. In four years, my mom couldn’t even remember I had games on Friday nights.
All of this was honestly supposed to be a letter to SO, but he’s still gone and I can’t tell him. It’s been bubbling inside me since Monday and I just had to get it out somewhere since I haven’t had the chance to drop by my school’s counseling center. I actually started crying as I typed this, and I thank anyone who takes the time to read this, but it was honestly just a rant. I’m not really looking for advice with this one, I’m just upset and hurt and pissed off right now. And I halfway can’t be mad at SO cause in a strange way I get where i’m coming from- he comes from an abusive household too, and even though he’s forgiven his father, he probably still kind of thinks that if you do everything right, the relationship will be perfect. If you’re the perfect child, your parent will love you and it’ll all be okay. Even when you forgive and move on, those types of thought processes are hard to break.
None of this is helped, of course, that I just finished a marathon of Criminal Minds, and in the last episode I watched, a borderline parent used his son to lure women into the house so he could kill them. And even though they got a lot of things about borderline personality wrong, one things was right: as a child in an abusive household, you will do anything to make your parent happy and make them love you. I feel kinda silly now, realizing that a TV show is what made me suddenly break down.