kissing someone while in a relationship..

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you need to cut off communication with the guy, and come clean with your Boyfriend or Best Friend with what happened. If you’re in a relaionship and attracted to someone else, you should either break up, or stop hanging out. 

I know you don’t want to lose both of these important people in your life, but sometimes you have to because t’s the right thing to do.

Post # 4
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Its a hard situation to be and I don’t know exactly what to tell you what to do but I think honesty is the key. Honesty to your boyfriend, your friend and most importantly honesty to yourself. 

You need to evaluate the situation and decide if having this guy friend is going to work for you while in a relationship. Are you going to tell your SO that you kissed this guy? If you don’t the guilt might start to affect both relationships, and if you do tell him he might not want you being friends with him anymore (at least not as close as you seem to be). 

Also you need to evaluate your feelings for your boyfriend vs your feelings for your guy friend. If you kissed him there might be something more than just “missing the love and attention”.

On a side note I kissed my guy friend while I had a boyfriend… and I continued to kiss him behind my boyfriends back. I evaluated to situation and dumped my boyfriend and am now happily married to my best friend. Something to consider…. (of course my situation was different) 

Post # 5
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You need to decide which relationship is more important to you:

1. You boyfriend?

2. Your friend?

Because if you truly love your boyfriend, you’re not going to want to cheat on him. I think you need to rethink your priorities and your feelings. If you want to be with your boyfriend afterall, you need to cut your friend out of your life, man up, and tell your boyfriend what happened in effort to fix whatever is currently broken in your relationship.

Otherwise, break up and pursue a relationship with your friend or someone different altogether.

Post # 6
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee

You need to cut off all ties with this guy friend, and tell your boyfriend what happened. If he doesn’t dump you, then you have a lot to work on. Good luck, and do the right thing and tell him, or your relationship is a lie.

Post # 7
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

You read the other thread so you know exactly what everyone is going to say and I hope you take all the advice on that thread to heart as well.  But I’ll repeat myself as well…

 

Getting out of control drunk with another guy when your guy is not there is already crossing the line.  You are setting yourself up to cheat, and that is exactly what you did. 

 

Even if you don’t do the right thing (cut ties to the friend and tell the boyfriend) you need to atleast promise yourself that you won’t drink around other guys anymore.

Post # 8
Member
9673 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I would say cut off contact with your guy friend for the present. Then come clean to your boyfriend. See if HE feels comfortable with you continuing your friendship with the guy friend, and then go from there.

I agree with PPs who suggested be honest with yourself, are the feelings for the friend stronger than just friend feelings, is there a chance it could happen again, do you want it to happen again, are there deeper issues in your relationship that you need to work on, etc.

Also I think the communication needs to be worked on, as you said that’s a problem. Best of luck!

Post # 9
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I think you need to tell your boyfriend that you cheated on him.  I think that you also need to decide which guy you want to kiss in the future and stick to that one. Good luck

Post # 10
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Obviously something “is off” in your heart of hearts… otherwise you wouldn’t be kissing other men (even if you were drunk).  Because to get to wanting to kiss someone… your emotions would have already gone thru a range of feelings BEFORE this all happened when you were sober.

It sounds to me like your “guy friend” is / was indeed hoping for more from his friendship / relationship with you… part of the reason he was around all the time (and also WHY your Mother saw more going on here than you did… a guy who “is smitten” is hard to miss)

I personally don’t believe that men & women can be extremely close friends… because inevitably one of them is always hoping that there will be more to the relationship (I realize that this POV isn’t always a popular one… but if you are spending inordinate amounts of time together, I do think that it is the way things end up).

Consequently, I think you have to sit down and evaluate the situation that you find yourself in and WHAT your LDR with your Boyfriend or Best Friend means to you.

— — —

Also, I have to say I am curious in regards to how old you are and the men in this situation (your Boyfriend or Best Friend and the guy friend).

As I do find that sometimes age plays a role in this type of scenario (as well as distance)

— — —

EDIT TO ADD…

I just read your other post… and YES kissing is cheating… and it doesn’t matter how it happened (drunk or sober).  It is still the same, doing something you shouldn’t be doing when you are in a relationship with another.

As other Bees have said, you need to evaluate “your role” in this situation (your other post said you had a crush on the guy friend, as well as he on you).  And also your relationship with alcohol… it is NEVER cool to drink so much as you (a) can’t control your behavior / be taken advantage or, and MORE SO (b) unable to remember things.  BOTH of those would indicate at least in this instance you had a PROBLEM with alcohol.  You need to figure out if that is an ongoing pattern for you (not cool)

And like the other Bees I agree, you need to owe up to this “indescretion” with your Boyfriend or Best Friend… and see what he says (he may very well dump you… which would be within his rights, as you are the one who strayed).  BUT if you hope to have any chance of your relationship working out with him, you need to be 100% honest (and work on your communication as a couple as well)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 11
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Bunny82:  Hmm I must disagree here. I don’t think that getting wasted is ‘setting yourself up to cheat’. I could be ridiculously shitfaced, with a bunch of guy friends and still wouldn’t be kissing any of them. Now, knowing you have feelings and attraction towards the guy and then getting drunk may not be a wise move, but I have a hard time with the notion that everytime you drink with someone of the opposite sex you’re going to cheat with them. Perhaps the drinking hindered her ability to think it through, but I think she had to want to kiss him well before she was drunk in order to do it in the first place. Being drunk isn’t an excuse for anything.

OP I think you need to reevaluate everything.  If you want to stay with your bf you need to tell him the truth and not be hanging out with the friend. If you think it’s more than being lonely, you need to decide if the friend is who you’d like to be with or not. Remember that it’s not only unfair to your bf to keep hanging out with this guy all the time, but it’s also not good for you or the friend as he’s clearly wanting more whether he says it or not.

Post # 12
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

@lia22:  LOL That is what I mean.

 

If you have feelings for someone (even a little crush) or they have feelings for you or both, you have no business getting out of control drunk with them.

 

I didn’t say you are going to cheat every time, I said it was setting yourself up for cheating.  I said it was crossing the line. 

Post # 13
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Bunny82:  Oh ok, I thought you meant like in general but I see you meant with someone you have a crush on! In that case I agree, I just don’t like people blaming indiscretions on booze.

Post # 14
Member
1522 posts
Bumble bee

honestly the root of the problem is the non affection your lacking from ur bf. I think you two need to have a serious conversation, there’s nothing wrong with needing affection but fulfilling your needs by having a “guy” friend isnt right and by you ALLOWING him to see u everyday also sends mixed signals. Search your heart and figure out what you need NOT what you want. Just because ur bf is great doesnt mean he is what u need

Post # 16
Member
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’m in the minority here – I WOULDN’T tell your boyfriend.  But, I’d make sure it’s a one-time thing, that you cut off contact for now with this friend of yours (cause let’s be honest, you’re also emotionally cheating), and that you remedy the underlying problem with your boyfriend.  By that I mean tell him how you’re feeling neglected, that you need more communication, make plans for more frequent visits, and make a plan (if you don’t already?) for when your long distance relationship will become a local relationship again.

I think you can learn a lot from this incident – either how to mend your relationship with your Boyfriend or Best Friend, or how it’s just not meant to be and you should break up.

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