(Closed) Knock it off, seriously.

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 33
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I stumbled across this post before I stumbled across the one that I think everyone is referring to. I was a little confused but I feel I have a better grasp on the situation now.

I am personally happy to see Bees I know from posts graduate off these boards. I think that’s what we all hope for in the end. I see no problem with engaged or married bees commenting on waiting boards and sharing what has or hasn’t worked for them.

What upset me on that post (and I think is the essence of what lezlers is trying to say) is that it is never okay, on the boards or in real life, to tell someone that they way they feel isn’t valid. It may not be what you feel but they certainly shouldn’t be chastised for it.

Say something nice and supportive or don’t say anything at all, ladies.

Post # 34
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I appreciate your honesty… It’s nice to hear from someone who isn’t sugar coating and calculating every word. I think those posts are coming from a well-meaning place, but I remember how frustrating waiting was. I sympathize completely. 

Post # 35
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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@cheeseburger: 
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@MissTatas: @sweetpea1031, and all other Bees on this thread who sympathize with how waiting SUCKED for them…THANK YOU for your honesty 🙂

Post # 36
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I said what I wanted to say and was going to ignore this thread, but I stumbled on what I think is the thread in question, where another bride says that she doesn’t understand waiting and that she thinks you should sit back and relax. This is what lezlers has built this rant around — unconstructive criticism — but she took it out of context and failed to mention that this bride then went on to give advice! She went on to say that if waiting is so hard, the bee could always propose to her Fiance, which I think is actually a really good idea.

If this original post had been what

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@sweetmamam: said, I would be completely understanding. Waiting sucks. A lot of us have been there. Some of us didn’t, and I think it’s unfair to those girls to mock their relationships or insinuate that they are lying because they say they weren’t waiting — some people aren’t as preoccupied with weddings as we are and don’t stumble into brideworld until they are engaged. And I know women in long term relationships who are not interested in marriage, so please don’t assume that every girl is waiting just because she is in a relationship.

tl;dr: Waiting is crappy IF you are waiting (and don’t assume people are, should be, or did), and I agree with Scribbles and others who say that their feelings should be respected.

Post # 37
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Waiting sucks. My waiting sucked. I went about it with tons of mistakes as far as communication and “internal deadlines” went. We have now been engaged for almost two years, and it was only about three months ago that I finally got over the pain that waiting caused me. I was rather sad to read in a recent thread how the whole concept of waiting was ridiculous to some others. There were posts written in rather condescending tones. I hear the rant, I even partially agree with it.

Here is some advice that I wish someone had given me: Communicate openly about your needs and wants regarding marriage, your relationship, and heck, everything else. Don’t expect your boyfriend to magically know you are waiting.

Proposing yourself may suit some relationships (an increasing number, it seems). If that works for you and your relationship, yay! Go for it! I did, it worked great for me! I wish I had done it sooner.

Don’t let waiting turn into bitterness. (I am not quite sure how to implement this one, honestly.) Bitterness can lead to relationship sabotaging moves later on. If you are feeling resentment, talk to your guy/gal about it, and give him/her a chance to help you through it.

Good luck!

Post # 38
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

While I can understanding many Waiting Bees’ sentiments, regarding the fact that waiting sucks, I think that those individuals must also understand that everyone is different and for some people…  waiting was not an issue, it really does depend on your personality a lot.  Perhaps when some Engaged Bees give their advice, they are not trying to be condescending, but are instead genuinely sharing their experiences in a hope that it may provide a glimmer of advice or at least an alternative perspective.  You will probably find equally as many Enagaged Bees who hated waiting as those who did not mind at all.

I am likely to be one of those women that Waiting Bees hate, because of the manner in which my relationship progessed (or perhaps more specifically the timeframe), but that is what worked for us and so that is how it went.  We dated for just over a year, during this time we discussed the fact that we were committed to each other, we wanted to live together, that we wanted to get married, and that it would happen when it made the most sense and when we were ready… and just before the year and a half mark he proposed, which I can honestly say was unexpected.  It was not unexpected in the sense that I had no idea he wanted to propose to me, clearly I knew we loved each other and that we would get engaged sooner rather than later, but leading up to the actual proposal I had no inkling that it was coming.  We had discussed the fact that he needed to ask my father first, so I knew he had thought about proposing to me, I just didn’t know when.

I say, do what works for you.  And if your current situation doesn’t work for you (ie, you are completely sick of waiting), you need to discuss this with your other half.

Post # 39
Member
2857 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I was ready to get engaged before the boy was, and there was some drama and some disappointment during the time that I was ready and he wasn’t. So I can definitely understand the feelings that all of the waiting bees have, even though I never felt the need to find online support about it.

I’m sorry that the waiting board has come under attack, and I hope that what I’m about to say isn’t construed as one. But, I think that my issue with the waiting board is that it’s all about WAITING. That word implies remaining in expectation of something. It implies passivity. It implies lack of control. And that makes me sad that in this day and age, women are still just waiting for men to propose.

I’m not trying to knock anyone. That was more of a statement on society than on any individual bees here. Society makes it really hard for women who are ready to get engaged. If we sit back and do nothing but drop hints, we’re being passive-aggressive. If we are direct, then we’re pressuring. It’s a really hard spot to be in.

But my advice, and I hope that it’s not taken as condescending, is to TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIENDS. Be direct, but not pushy. Find out his intentions, and his timeline, and tell him yours. Take an active role in getting engaged, not a passive one. Don’t drop hints – be honest. And if he’s still not ready, at least you’ll know where he stands, and then you can decide what to do from there (i.e. leave him if it’s a dealbreaker, give him some more time, even propose to him, whatever).

And also, it’s important to remember that while society still expects women to be passive, society also places a very stressful role on the men. Men are supposed to spend thousands of dollars on a piece of jewelry, and set up this super-romantic scenario to pop the question. It’s expensive and kind of scary. So, it’s not just the women who are in a difficult spot, the men are too.

Wow, this went on for way longer than I’d expected. Oops. Stepping off of my soapbox now.

Post # 41
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I get that people come to this board with different points of view, and different (not necessarily malicious) intentions.

But I saw a post that basically said: “You’re being silly.” That is being completely dismissive of someone’s feelings and I don’t think can be considered constructive at all.

Believe me, there are plenty of times on other boards where a bride to be is ranting about something that I frankly don’t think is important. But what I don’t do is post and say: “Well, I just think you’re being silly about the whole thing.” Because that’s hurtful, and it doesn’t add to the conversation.

If you have a differing opinion I think that’s fine, but it needs to be presented in a way that still respects the OP and their feelings. 

Post # 43
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

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@DreamingBee: How did I do it? Well as we all know waiting sucks with a big S! I was probably the worst when I didn’t know it was happening any time soon and I was driving my self and Mr. M CRAZY!!!!!! The biggest problem I had was the fact that I can control EVERY part of my life and I do control every part of my life…. but this I could NOT control! I realized that I was driving him crazy and causing fights that were meaningless and realized that if I keep doing this I am going to ruin something great! So I literally took it Day by Day! If I would start thinking about the proposal I would say to myself “Is it likely to happen today?” answer “nope” so don’t worry about it right now! And I would live life in the moment! This really helped me to stop bugging him. Some days it was worse than others, obviously, and those days I would keep myself busy, go to the gym, meet up with friends etc. to get my mind off of it!

I know this won’t work for everyone but it worked, for the most part, for me! 

I have never once told a waiting bee that she shouldn’t feel this way because I have been there and I have felt this way! But I also know that when I was a waiting bee I hated hearing anything other than sympathy from engaged bees because everything they were proposing felt impossible and unrealistic for me.

So I do understand where you all are coming from and that is why I usually don’t post on the waiting boards except for empathy posts. But most Bee’s are just trying to help!

Post # 44
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with Future Mr. Martin. My wait was hard and I can honestly say that I ruined a lot of special moments bc I thought it was “THE moment.” Looking back on it I wish my disapointment didnt take over my emotions with some of the events that my fiance and I had. I can understand the wait. I definately struggled with this. However, this is a special time for him as well and to take it away from him or ruin a possible surprise isnt fair either. Some waits are enough is enough. But after we got engaged I learned the true reason why it took longer than I thought. He had to custom make the ring due to my finger being so small and it fell during the jewish holidays when the jewelry market takes off time for quite a while. After learning this I felt like a brat haha! Regardless I know how i felt at that ime. And I can sympathize.

Post # 45
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

And what made it even harder was I knew when he asked my Father’s permission!! We had to fly to go see my parents and my dad ended up anouncing it at a family dinner. Everyone was happy it was a great night. 5 loooooooooooong weeks later… no ring. I didnt know if he was trying to make me look like a fool in front of my family or not? The worst thing was, was that my family didnt knwo what the hold up was either. So I got daily phone calls. Every work week I thought just make it till Friday, make it till Friday. Then Sunday I was depressed. When all was said and done he did it on a Monday haha 🙂

Post # 46
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@ lezlers : Okay; I’m going to chime in. You might not like it but I am. I’m engaged. I was in waiting (FYI:5 years). I don’t think anyone is missing the point of this post. Everyone gets that “relax; let it happen when it happens” is easier said then done. But honestly; what do you want to hear? You are right; there is no magic wand. There is NO ANSWER to your vent. You either accept it for what it is and wait; or you do something about it. But what do you do? You have to decide. Is your Boyfriend worth the waiting or not. If the annoyance of waiting is outweighing the happiness in the relationship then there needs to be a change. You talk to your boyfriend about how your feeling (not nag him) and he makes a decision. He’s either on the same page and ready to be engaged or he’s not. All you can do is 1: talk to him 2: decide if he’s worth the wait 3: propose yourself. 4: Find someone else who is ready. There is no magical cure for the way your feeling.

But honestly it’s not that engaged or married bees don’t want you here. It’s that it HONESTLY IS EASIER to keep your mind off of the waiting stage if your not constantly reading about everyone else’s great marriages and planning. It HONESLTY IS EASIER to get through if you try not to think about it and let it happen when it happens. If you can’t do either of these things and the anxiety and stressfullness of the waiting stage is to much for you to handle then you need to make a change yourself. Don’t wait on someone else to make a change for you.

Moral to the Story: There is NO magic Wand. Never Will Be. There is NO way to happily get through your waiting stage. You either put it aside and get throught it or you make a change.

Everyone here was a “waiting bee” @ some point it time. Most of us have “been there done that.” 

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