(Closed) Knock it off, seriously.

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 77
Member
13563 posts
Honey Beekeeper

No one should be treating waiting bees badly. But I think it should be recognized that most of the engaged/married bees went through their own waiting periods and are just trying to help because they know what it feels like.

Post # 78
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

If someone is venting or upset because they are ‘waiting’ telling them they are silly isnt going to help. I think its one of those things if you havent walked in their shoes then you cant really sympathize. And sometimes its better to say nothing at all. I can sooo sympathize with waiting… it does suck and its emotionally draining. And if I post about how upsetting and hard it is to be in that awkward waiting stage then I want support and maybe helpful advice but mostly I just want to get it off my chest.

@lezlers I totally know what you mean and I hope your proposal comes QUICKLY 🙂

 

Post # 79
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t mind this post/vent.

But I want to speak up for the “I did not have a waiting period” comments.

The reason I’m often tempted to make them is because I see, every now and then, comments on the waiting board (including in this thread!) that imply that every women went through a “waiting” phase.  That’s factually false – since I know that I did not.  But it’s not that its factually false that upsets me – what scares me is that women might actually believe this.  I.e. that it is impossible to be with a guy that wants to marry you before you are sure/impatient to marry him or that every guy will make you wait.  To me that smacks of “There is nothing better out there, so I’ve better stick to what I have.”  By no means am I saying waiting bees aren’t with the right guy – I’m sure many/most of them are.  But when I see generalization of “everyone has such a difficult time with this” it scares me and I want to tell those women “no, no, everyone doesn’t and if this is too difficult you should fix it and maybe that means a different guy but whatever you do don’t just assume that this hardship in an imutable and inevitable part of being a woman!” An amazing guy that’s worth waiting for might make you wait (for various reasons) but not every guy will, so his good qualities better outweight this negative it’s not that all guys = this negative.

It’s good to know you’re not alone in having a difficult time (which is why Miss Octopus’ post was fantastic) – but its also good to know that not everyone has a difficult time and if its too hard maybe its because its not right.

As for advice – I would focus on thinking about whether you want to marry him or not.  I know all the waiting bees have already thought about it and decided yes – but I would use this time to really analyze and decide why and what character traits of him worry you in the future and etc.  On the plus side this means remembering his good traits which might make waiting easier. 

I’ve also given the advice multiple times – but I don’t think other people find it helpful.  If you hear of a close friend getting engaged think about her guy – would you marry him?  Or does the idea scare you – if it scares you, well there you go. 

Post # 80
Member
1392 posts
Bumble bee

@msbtb12:I totally agree. it’s often better to not say anything at all…in lots of situations. We humans sometimes have a hard time realizing that. If a girl wants to vent, let her vent.

Post # 81
Member
13563 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@Arachna: I hope you’re not talking about my post. 🙂 I tried hard to say “most” not “all” bees go through a waiting period. Because I definitely know that isn’t true! Just wanted to clarify and make sure I hadn’t come across incorrectly. Thanks! 🙂

Post # 82
Member
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@flamingred: I think you touched upon one of the topics that many of the people on the “waiting” board struggle with.  I can only speak for myself here, but the name alone bothered the hell out of me.  The word suggests a loss of power, as in I’m waiting for him. I was raised to stand on my own two feet, never need a guy for anything–and I found myself in the most foreign situation ever with the wait.  Sure, I could have proposed but I didn’t want to. So I waited, and vented, and got on with my life.  But yeah, I wish there was a better term for it.  . 

Sorry Lezlers, I don’t mean to hijack the thread.  Just had to make another comment.

Post # 83
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

LOL, is it wrong that I didn’t even realize there was a whole “waiting” board until today?

I agree with what Arachna is saying about how we shouldn’t assume that at some point everyone was waiting, because I wasn’t. I actually really didn’t think about getting engaged at all and was in no real rush to get married. I just didn’t want to “live together” indefinitely with no real plan about where it was going. Basically I was thinking of it from the standpoint that I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who didn’t have the same goals/expectations going forward as I did. (I am also in my early 30’s so that is a contributing factor). Fiance and I were together a little over a year. The extent of our conversation about the future/getting engaged literally happened one time and went like this:

Fiance: I want to live together before getting engaged.

Me: Ok, that’s fine. I will find a place. I won’t wait forever forever for a ring though. I’m not going to substitute “living together” for being engaged.

Fiance: Ok.

We made settlement on our house November 21, 2008 and we were engaged three weeks later.

However- lezlers and all the other bees who are waiting- just because I didn’t really “wait” doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate where you’re coming from and how you must feel. Vent away!  You have just as much a right to vent about waiting as the rest of us do about our dresses, FIL’s, guest lists, venues, etc!

Post # 84
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Complaining that people are too broad in their interpretations when you declined to be specific isn’t exactly fair.  You entitled a thread “Knock it off”, addressed it to no one in particular and then implied that an poster who makes comments of a certain ill-delineated type is a thoughtless, simpering boob.

It stands to reason that people are going to be a touch confused and defensive.

As any number of PPs have said, many if not most of the commenters on the waiting boards are attempting to be helpful.  A very few may feel entitled to judge or dismiss the concerns of those waiting, but in my experience that’s hardly a typical attitude and not one that’s generally condoned by waiting, married or engaged bees.   It does not, therefore, seem hugely unreasonable to ask that a person consider whether or not she’s being fair in her interpretation of some sentiments as all negative before tarring large groups of hive members with a very large brush.

And there are plenty of ways to vent or rant about something troublesome without resorting to sarcasm.  Members of the hive do it all the time, and I doubt anyone would’ve been upset by your post had you said something to the effect of: “It really bothers me or annoys me what I see X kind of comment.  Someone said this: “blah blah blah” the other day and it was irritating for this reason.  Sometimes it feels as though there isn’t a real empathy for waiting bees or much understanding for our situation.”   Maybe that isn’t as satisfying to write, but that’s life.  Participation in a group discussion means you don’t get to say precisely what you want the way you want to just because you happen to be feeling a certain way. 

Moreover, implying that sarcasm and snark are acceptable because you think some people err too much on the side of caution (ie: Fluffy Bunnies) isn’t hugely sensible.  That’s not unlike punching someone in the face and then justifying the action on the grounds that the other guy shouldn’t be upset because he’s too sensitive. 

Post # 85
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@lezlers:  Fair enough.  My point, however, had much less to do with the topic than how you chose to address it.  Whether or not there is consensus regarding the waiting board, its title or similar is of minimal interest to me.  I’m bothered by the tone of the post and the way in which you addressed your concerns.  Medium, not message.

Post # 86
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Teaandtoast, thank you. I am totally with you!

All of our posts, whether “waiting” or about weddings, pets, babies, etc. all go to the beehive…so honestly girls, anyone can read and comment on them.

I feel like this post has gone on too long…also, yes, the title offended me. This is WEDDINGBEE. Anyone thinking about commiting can be on here…HECK even advertisers use this site!

Everybody breathe, no one means anyone harm. This isn’t waiting bees versus engaged/married bees.

Post # 87
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

As a fellow waiting bee (2.5 years) I dont really see what the big deal is. You don’t want someone to say to you “Just relax, it will come”, you want actual tips on how to relax and get through the waiting period? If you don’t like their advice or tips, or the tone they use with you, why start a whole new thread about it? Why not just move on to the next thread where there is some great advice.

And yes waiting can suck, and no its not always fun to see friends get engaged before you. But I think the waiting board has been great in helping with this and Ive gotten some great feedback in my few months visiting.

Post # 88
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

i’ve been around the ‘bee for about 4, almost 5 years now and i’m just learing there’s a magic wand to take away these feelings and fluffy bunny force fields? wth have i’ve been?!

but seriously, i get what you’re saying lezlers. hearing, “don’t worry, it’ll happen” now is like hearing “don’t worry, you’ll find someone when it’s right” back when i was single . while the sentiment was helpful, the execution was lacking. but sometimes i need to hear “calm your butt down, it’ll happen” so long as my feelings are validated.

i think that’s what the issue is: some people don’t feel that their feelings, whether silly or not, are being validated. they are just brushed over by others who are just trying to help which doesn’t help the OP begin to address and deal with their issues and feelings. i feel more people might be receptive to the “don’t worry, it’ll happen” if it’s tempered with, “i know how you’re feeling, it sucks” and “this is what helped me to deal…”

also, i do find value in the waiting board and while i don’t necessarily take offense to the idea that waiting is sexist and i shouldn’t wait for my guy to propose and take matters into my own hands, that might not be an option for everyone. every person’s experience is different. for me, i wouldn’t propose because i know the mister feels its his job to propose and to take that away from him is unfair. however, i’m not just waiting for him to “decide my future” but merely we’re BOTH waiting until our situation is better suited for permanant coupling [i.e. we BOTH find jobs].

i don’t want to discourage engaged and married bees from posting on the waiting board because you all often can provide some insight that could be very helpful, but i think that everyone, be they engaged, married or waiting, just be mindful and acknowledge the feelings that the OP may be experiencing before dispensing with your pearls of wisdom and general resetting people’s focus.

Post # 89
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@teaadntoast: Well said.

I would also like to point out that supposedly the point of her rant is that she feels like some bees are too dismissive of waiting bees’ feelings, yet she mocks the people who are offended here. Why do some feelings deserve respect while others get called “fluffy bunnies?” No one called the waiting bees names.

Post # 91
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sure we all would like the engaged or married bees who were on the Waiting bee board to come back and offer advice. No one would think of it as rubbing salt in the wound, so to say. You’ve been there, done that. (the others are fine too, but several of the past waiting bees felt like they weren’t wanted. )

Tea- totally agree with this—-> i feel more people might be receptive to the “don’t worry, it’ll happen” if it’s tempered with, “i know how you’re feeling, it sucks” and “this is what helped me to deal…”

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