(Closed) Knock it off, seriously.

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 92
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

I think @flamingred and @Violet Violet both were able to say very succintly what I tried to say in many paragraphs on page 1 of this thread: the idea of “waiting” is sexist and puts women in a position of powerlessness.

I have always had issues with the name of the board, but I never thought to suggest changing it as I don’t contribute to the boards, and it doesn’t really matter what I think.

But “Pre-engaged” might be a better name for it. I don’t know. *shrugs*

Post # 93
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Amen @teaadntoast and @amaryllis

I was a waiting girl for a long time and I never knew that weddingbee existed until I was actually engaged. In my opinion this was a good thing. Knowing myself (not saying everyone will agree) I would have driven myself crazy being on this site. I know how it hurt to hear of others getting married when it was all I could think about myself. I could only imagine how hard it would be to see this site and see so many others getting what I knew I wanted.

So my question is and it may not be popular. Do you bees think that being a member of this site is more helpful or harmful when in a waiting situation?

I’ve wondered this for so long but never had the courage to ask but then I saw this thread and thought why not go ahead and ask.

I also want to add that saying that just because people are in your words “fluffy bunnies” and don’t agree with your opinions doesn’t make them wrong. It just makes them different and to me that is what weddingbee is all about.

Post # 94
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@JessesGirl- I also didn’t know WB existed until after I was engaged and even after I joined, it was a long time before I realized that not everyone on here is engaged. Hell, until today, I didn’t even know there was a “waiting” board!

Personally, I think that being on this forum while waiting (and upset about waiting) is probably more harmful than helpful, but that’s just my opinion.

Post # 95
Member
1656 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I came on WB when I was technically “waiting” (although I HATE that word too and agree that “pre-engaged” is much better). We had picked out the ring and were in early planning stages but the ring wasn’t coming for about two months. At points I was frustrated and venting on the boards was helpful in that I needed people to just tell me “don’t worry, it’s coming! relax!” but I honestly – and this is just MY OPINION for ME – cannot see myself wanting to be on a wedding web site and message board if I wasn’t already almost there. If I was in any way questioning whether it was happening or not, or trying to push for it to happen because I wanted it so bad or basically in any other situation than the one I was in, it would have just been more harmful to my mental state than helpful – no matter how supportive the community is here (and it IS supportive).

This is my thinking on it: in a more general life sense, I don’t believe that it is healthy for me to indulge myself in thought and obsession over things that are stressors in my life. I can only spend so much time analyzing myself and my relationships and my problems before I drive myself crazy. I just think sometimes it’s better to step away from things that are stressing me out and focus on the things that I have that are good, otherwise I would never be happy with myself or with my life. 

Post # 97
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee

I think the board is helpful for me. I love talking to other ladies in the same position. If I told my friends IRL my SO and I have had the marriage talk and I’m just waiting for the proposal, I have to endure the question everytime I see them, along with other comments. “Has he asked yet?” And the most recent insult “you’ll be using a walker down the aisle if he doesn’t hurry up.”  (I shared with her before I learned to post here where it’s safe!)

I think there are 2 kinds of waiters, although we’re stereotyped as one: the never talked marriage with our guys, just forcing him into marriage. There are also the women who have talked and done the thing, just waiting on the question. 🙂

Post # 98
Member
3340 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t mean to threadjack here, but why is “waiting” sexist exactly?  WB is for everyone, male or female.  Further, if you are waiting for your guy to propose, then wouldn’t “waiting” be an appropriate title?  I don’t understand why that isn’t an accurate title.

Also, keep in mind that fitting everything on the website takes some skill.  Instead of “Invitations/RSVPs” we have “Paper.”  So a short title just kinda makes more sense to me.

Post # 99
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

Maybe “sexist” isn’t the right word, although I’ve never heard about a man waiting for a woman to propose.

I just don’t like the idea of powerlessness that it conveys. But, like I said in my comment on the first page of this thread, I think that society expects it to be that way. So I don’t really have an issue with the fact that Weddingbee calls the board “Waiting” (and, as I said, since I never go on the board, I should just keep my mouth shut Wink ).

I just have a general beef with the idea that proposals and engagements are so often in the man’s hands (again, this is a societal thing, not a comment on anyone here). I think that if women took a more active role in getting engaged, then the frustration about having no control might not be nearly as bad.

 

 

Post # 100
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

@JessesGirl:

I can only speak for myself, but for me, being a waitingbee is a good thing.  I am confident with and comfortable in my relationship with my SO.  We’ve talked about marriage, future children and lives together.  However, he’s very traditional and wants to have a job before we get engaged.  He’s finishing his PhD now, so it shouldn’t be too long.

Before I discovered weddingbee, and the waiting board, I was being driven slowly crazy by my thoughts and questions and insecurities.  I felt bad constantly whining about things to my mom, sister and friends (especially those who are single).  Discovering the waiting board has given me a safe place where I can come and vent if I need to.  Or theorize about meanings or dreams.  Or most importantly, just be able to communicate with other women who know what I am feeling and are going through many of the same things.

I am doing some very preliminary planning – mostly just looking at pictures to narrow down things I like.  This doesn’t make me feel bad about not being engaged.  It makes me excited.  It’s a different way to daydream about the day that I will marry the love of my life.

I can honestly say that in the short time I’ve been posting here, I’ve been feeling much better about waiting.  And I look forward to seeing the announcements of other waitingbees who are graduating.

Post # 101
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think the waiting boards are extremely helpful for us waiting girls. Yes we might not be engaged, but we have had that commitment conversation with our boyfriends and it is just a matter of time. Everyone has different reasons they are waiting and for me, personally, it is a financial issue. We simply can’t afford the wedding at the moment (and yes we could just run off to the court house, but we both discussed what wedding we want and so we wait until we can afford it)

As MsMamaBear pointed out, you sometimes can’t talk about these issues with your friends. I already get asked “Have you got a ring yet?” from his family, my family, his friends, my friends nearly every time I see them, so if I expressed that desire to get engaged NOW even though I know it is not a good financial decision, then I would get asked a LOT more when it is going to happen.

The waiting bees understand what I am going through and it is a great place to vent and share stories. That said, I love hearing from engaged or married bees and their own stories.

Post # 102
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee

i strongly feel the waiting boards are helpful. i understand the concerns of fellow bees that maybe having the board could possibly exasperate the situation in certain cases but that is left up to the individual bees to determine how best to handle being constantly around others who are engaged and married. we are grown women and know our limits. there have been several ladies who have taken a leave of absence when it got to be too much for them. in fact, i’m coming off my own leave of absence from the boards and the blog though i’m still not as active as i once was. it’s up to the individual to police themselves.

its sad that the waiting board is typically usually the only board to come under fire for it’s validity and inclusion in the community as a whole. there’s enough room for everyone here.

Post # 103
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I feel strongly that the waiting board is helpful for most of us too.  It’s a place to vent, talk to other women, and work out our thoughts. This is an extremely supportive community!

It’s good to feel you’re not alone and sometimes good to hear a simple validation of “no, you’re not crazy…I’m going through it too”

Post # 104
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Is this thread REALLY still going?

Post # 106
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Well put @MsMamaBear

I’m so glad I found this site while waiting. I have a spreadsheet sprinkled with tons of ideas from blogs and board posts. It has given me something to do: prepare exitedly, while I “wait”. To the posters that inferred that women who are not engaged shouldn’t be on this site because its more harmful than good- that is exclusivity, somewhat hurtful, and a blanket statement. For some it might not be a good idea, but i’m pretty happy about the fact that once the question is popped I have tools to begin planning immediately.  I begin a new job in September and will have very little time for planning, so i’m happy I got ahead of the game by pre-planning. It has also given me the opportunity to vent and connect with other waiting bees to take some of the pressure that has existed, off.

The topic ‘Knock it off, seriously.’ is closed to new replies.

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