(Closed) Knock it off, seriously.

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 108
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Can I make one last bit of input?

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@DemoDreamer: Should I relax?  Maybe.  But his clock is set to go off 25 years AFTER mine.  WHY would I assume he would propose within the timeframe we need to have our 2-3 kids together?  Menopause strikes early for my family – a pregnancy after, oh, 33, is going to go about as well as a cruise on the Titanic.  After 38?  Well, um, sorry, no luck.  I’ve got nine years in which I have a reasonable chance of having a safe pregnancy.  He assumed I could have safe pregnancies until I was 40.  And menopause is a crass angle from which to view marriage – who wants to think about their reproductive system shriveling and dying, and who wants to remind their guy that it’ll happen?  (I just have the unique angle of learning my family history on such things when I was six – had a firm grasp on the aging process since then.)  For me, this is conscious.  Most people didn’t see their great-grandparents’ generation die, so their understanding of the biological clock is subconscious.  Telling people to relax is like telling a bomb-maker to take his time.  Eventually, that clock will go off.  Now, is it the end of the world if I don’t have biological children?  No.  But it is an innate urge.  And I want to at least try to have kids.  

If it were that simple, most of us could just move on when a guy crosses our timeline for engagement.  But there’s also attachment and emotion involved.  I love THIS man.  I never want to be away from THIS man.  I want to bear THIS man’s children.  Is he making me crazy by ignoring my internal clock?  YES!  Does that mean I have any inclination to move on?  NO!  But if I want kids, and I do, I might HAVE to leave him at some point.  It is that internal struggle that makes it SO hard to wait.  We can latch on to what we feel for our guy, and we can control that.  The fact that my cramps are now coming twice a month and that every time I see a small child or hear one cry every part of my body goes “I WANT ONE!”, that I can’t control (without drugs.)  

By saying “Oh, just relax” people ignore that there is a physiological drive to settle down and have kids.  They write it off as emotion, which can be controlled.  Because most women who are married have that physiological drive somewhat sated.  

Most pre-engagement people who are here are here at least in part to be able to vent their frustration to people who understand that, no, they aren’t lunatics for wanting to marry someone who is sometimes frustrating, and they aren’t lunatics for hating the wait.  We’re here because we know we should chill, and we’d rather vent on sympathetic strangers than bewildered boyfriends.  My man hasn’t proposed, there is no formal agreement between us (aside from my rent,) and until a month ago, there was no indication that there would ever BE an actual commitment on his part.  (My dad sees us as engaged, but keeps asking why my boyfriend hasn’t proposed.  My dad will be the first to know when he DOES decide to propose, so why does he keep asking me?)  Having people say “Just relax, it’ll happen” and nothing more substantial than that says “Why yes, you are a lunatic for thinking that a guy, who can’t decide whether to commit to you, might not commit to you.”

Post # 110
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@cyneswith:

I really feel you. I’m at an age now where I thought I’d be thinking about having a kid in the next year or two. Instead I’m still waiting for a proposal that I don’t think will even happen for another year! That means, at best, a wedding two years from today. And I always wanted a year or two of just being married before having kids. But that means flirting with that 35 year mark for having my first kid. And I want more than one!

Is it possible to have a couple of healthy kids after 35? Of course! And I don’t have any health or fertility issues that will prevent that. But that doesn’t mean that’s what I wanted. And having those warring emotional and physiological desires makes it difficult to just “relax” and “let him do it in his own time”. 

*sigh*

Post # 112
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

It must be nice having all the time in the world for these types of things, as men seemingly do.

Can I just say I totally agree with that statement? I tell my SO, the longer we wait, the more his vision of 6 kids diminishes.LOL Hopefully, he’s no serious, but I always wanted 3, now I have to make it 2. Hopefully it doesn’t get to one!

He tells me I can have kids later. He thinks this because his mom had him in her late 30s. I remind him, that wasn’t her FIRST child, but her LAST!

Maybe it’s because he has a 10yr old son and that’s why he isn’t in a rush, even if he does want kids with me. Thankfully I don’t have problems,that I know of. *eye roll*

My SO just really doesn’t get it. There are a lot of variables and age doesn’t help.

Post # 113
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@danadelphia: A thousand times yes. I hate the “waiting” board – not because of the posters, but because of the name! I feel like in this day and age no one should have to just wait around on a sofa for engagement to happen, which the “waiting” name implies. It’s so passive! How about “working on it”? How about “Not quite yet”? How about “found the one”? Literally anything but “waiting”! Bleh.

I also 1,000 times over agree with the advice you gave to anyone who truly is just “waiting”. 

Post # 114
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@cyneswith: I’m not 100% sure what your calling me out on? If you re-read my post it answers almost every single issue u touched on here. You appear to have already had a convo with your Boyfriend or Best Friend about this. He has made it clear that he’s not on the same page. So you have to make  your own decision. No kidding every relationship has emotion and attachment. No one said it didn’t. But like i stated if you read my post again is that if the agoney of waiting around for an engagement and in your case a child is outweighing your daily happiness; then you have to make a change for yourself. You can’t wait on a man to do that for you. Your acting like no one else that is married or engaged knows what your talking about. No one is ignoring your “clock”. Yeah we all get it. It’s nothing new. You control your own life and your own happiness. Not someone else. Again i’m not sure why a week later your bringing this post to an uproar again. Again; we’ve all been there done that. These are choices of life. There’s nothing that anyone can say to make it better. Because not matter what people tell you to do; your still going to be waiting until he’s ready. Or your going to have to move on to someone who is ready.

Post # 115
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Ugh, I’ve seen some threads like that and it makes me so sick/sad. I was lucky and did not have to wait. HOWEVER, I can completely sympathize with how much it must suck, so I do try to be supportive of you guys. 🙁 You have every right to feel sad/bad/etc. Anyone who says otherwise is an insensitive jack*ss. Hang in there, ladies. It will happen for you! And in the meantime, ignore the ignorant people who just come in to troll.

That being said…the ones who say that you need to make a decision for yourself are absolutely right. If waiting is making you miserable and your SO is clearly not going to budge, or won’t give you a timeline, you need to think seriously about whether you want to wait for someone who may never be ready (I’m talking about the 8+ years of waiting here) or if you want to take care of YOU and give yourself another chance at finding love and happiness (which, by the way, you totally will).

The topic ‘Knock it off, seriously.’ is closed to new replies.

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