Post # 1
Hi ladies, I am so frustrated. Do you think that lack of intimacy from both sides should be reason enough for a separation? I have tried so many things with him, talk, etc and things seem to be getting worse in the relationship.
Post # 3
Definitely not. Couples go through these phases all the time. Some last days, some last years. I don’t think that’s something to break vows over.
Post # 4
I took my vows pretty seriously, and “for better or for worse” really stuck out at me. Intimacy is important, but it isn’t vital for a healthy relationship. It’s something that can be fixed if one or both sides actually put forth the effort to fix it.
If they won’t, then it isn’t the intimacy that is the problem. It ususally isn’t, anyway. Find why the intimacy died and there is your problem to fix. Sex issues are usually a symptom of a bigger issue.
Post # 5
I think it is. I also think that intimacy problems usually (not always) can be worked out. But if they can’t, you both deserve healthy sex lives.
Post # 6
I agree that a lack of intimacy is probably not the root of the problem. It is normal to go through lulls, but long term intimacy tends to by caused by a deeper issue.
Post # 7
I think it can be, but only after ALL options have been explored.
Post # 8
I think intimacy is a really important factor in a happy, healthy marriage. Like a PP stated though, lack of intimacy usually has little to do with sex. I would try to figure out the bigger issue before making any drastic decisions.
Post # 9
I think both parties have to be on board with a celibate marriage. It is unfair for one partner to make that decision unilaterally.
Post # 10
I think intimacy does not equal sex, so that’s important to distinguish. Plenty of couples have a sexless, but intimate marriage. It needs to be mutually agreed upon, though.
Post # 11
In general, I think it’s an issue that can be worked out, so I’d say that it’s not enough of a reason to separate. This applies whether you’re talking about a lack of sex or a lack of emotional intimacy (or both).
I do think that couples go through ups and downs, and once you are married it means you don’t break up because you’re going through a rough patch, you break up if you have truly irreconcilable problems such as any type of abuse, fundamentally incompatible values, possibly infidelity, etc. That, to me, is an essential difference between being married or not.
I’m not saying that you should stay in a relationship that lacks intimacy. I’m saying that both of you need to make the effort to re-build it. There are lots of ways to do this: attending therapy, reading self help books, working on yourselves individually or as a team, etc.
Of course, it’s a very personal decision and I know nothing about your situation
Post # 12
@Frustrated_bee: I think like a PP has said, unless you have both agreed to have a celibate marriage then it isn’t fair. Of course all couples go through “dry phases” but I think if it is longer than six months with no “obvious reason” (new baby, working longer hours, moving house, illness etc.) then it needs to be talked about. I think regardless of what area of the relationship it is….if something is not right then you both need to talk about it. If they are unwilling to discuss it privately then I would suggest counselling or something similar.
Post # 13
I would seek out counseling even if you have to go alone. Just for now. YOu can at least mark it off your list of “trying everything.”
Post # 14
@Frustrated_bee: I don’t understand why you would be so concerned with waiting until you’re married to have sex and then so easy to jump ship when it wasn’t what you were expecting… I’ve PMed you about this before and clearly you’re not interested in discussing it so just get Your separation – I think your mind is already made up…
Post # 15
@Frustrated_bee: I think a lack of intimacy is a likely a symptom of some other problem, some are manageable and temporary problems, others could be a sign that the relationship needs to end. I wouldn’t separate without knowing exactly what the problem is.
Post # 16
@Frustrated_bee: I’ve read your previous thread. I think it would be different if you had not had these issues right from the start. Everyone goes through dry spells but it seems like this has lasted the entire relationship. I am not a fan of waiting until marriage for sex except for religious reasons because the risk for unpleasant surprises becomes greater (there is a difference between a man who wants to wait to honor God and a man who wants to wait because he has a weak sex drive and/or really doesn’t care).
I wouldn’t separate right away but you really need to let him know that you regard this as a major issue and it needs to be fixed.